Jackie Contemplates the Mountain

So. Um. Hi. My name is Jackie and I'm a wannbe writer. A romance writer.

Extremely brief history: I started pursuing publication seriously three years ago. Since then, after a brief blaze of glory and the odd flash of brilliance, it's since been a gentle (not) slide into relative obscurity. Yay me.

So here I am, in obscurity, back at square one.

It doesn't look much different since the last time, the couch in the corner is still there and no one's cleaned up the empty dutch courage glasses. The view out the window has changed though. Before, there was a whole lot of fog preventing me from seeing the route I have to take, but it's crystal clear now and boy, that's a bloody HUGE mountain just sitting there. To be honest, it's giving me the sh*ts. In fact, for the past week I've been seriously considering whether I can climb it again. Whether I want to even start climbing it again.

But you know, just because you get a rejection, it doesn't stop the ideas from coming. You can take the writer away from the writing etc, etc. I have been writing for thirty years and I'm not going to stop now.

Still.

It's a pretty big mountain.

I might just sit here and contemplate it for a while.

Someone pass me another glass of dutch courage.

Blog! The Decision!

Thanks everyone who left a comment regarding this blog. It means such a lot to know everyone still likes what I put out there and that I'm helpful in some way, even though at the moment I feel like the biggest fraud in the world.

So, I guess I'd like to say that I'm going to keep going with this blog. Yes, at times, especially the bad times, it's a drain and I wish I didn't have to say I failed. But I think on the whole, it's a 'good' pressure. It's certainly helped me to keep going this far so stopping now, when I probably need to keep going the most, seems shortsighted. Plus, I'm afraid I like all you guys (and lurkers!) far too much to give you up. And yes, I do like writing it! In fact far more than I ever thought I would. So, sorry, you're stuck with me. :-)

There is a couple of things I want to say though because I think I need to say them. Firstly, there may be people who read my blog and wonder at my intensity about this writing business. Yes, I'm an emotional person and I do have a fondness for the dramatic but that's not the sole reason I have found this so very hard. About 8 years ago I lost a family member and afterwards - as you do when this kind of thing happens - I thought to hell with a life half lived, I need to follow my dream, if nothing else to make the pointlessness of the loss mean something (sidenote: hey, conflict alert! Quick, someone nick that as a conflict because if you don't, I will! hehe) . Now, unfortunately with this kind of decision, the dream ends up meaning more than it perhaps should which makes its failure that much harder. I don't know whether I need to step back from this or not, but I have to say, it has driven me much further than I thought I would ever be prepared to go. Still trying to figure out if that's a good thing or not.

Secondly, the Hammer Pants ms. Why was it R'd? Well, its faults were many and myriad. But they all stemmed from the same thing, the thing I have ALWAYS struggled with: it's the conflict stupid. No, the ed didn't say that specifically but she did point out issues in the characters' backstory that I skated over, that I should have dealt with and - as is always the way - you go, 'of course!' Why didn't I do that?' And I didn't because I didn't know what those issues were. Why didn't I know? Because I hadn't ever got a handle on the conflict.

And herein lies the big problem with my writing. I have not 'got' conflict. I've done everything the eds suggested - character biographies, interviews, writing out aspects of their backstories. Everything. I tried SO hard. And I learned heaps in the process. But it didn't work because I have been starting out wrong every time. I still have not understood simple, deep conflict.
And this - I think - is where I am hampered by two things: 1) Up until 2 years ago, I didn't read romance. All I read were fantasy/SF and literary fiction. 2) I like to do things my own way and I like to be different.
Issue number one means I do not have a background in the conventions of genre fiction. I didn't even know what conflict was, let alone the fact that romance novels have to have an HEA. I didn't know that heroes and heroines have to be sympathetic and aspirational and flawed and all those other things, because they don't have to be in literary fiction.
Issue number two means that I want to be different. I didn't want to write those stock conflicts - woman loses father, then loses husband and so is wary of love for example. I wanted my conflicts to be different. But of course, since I had no idea about what conflict was - or rather, I'd grasped some aspects of it, but not others - I didn't know how to make them different. Lastly, I didn't really understand that there's a reason those conflicts pop up again and again - because they work! Duh.

Sigh. So if you take that, add the fear of making things too dark, and you have a recipe for disaster. It's very sad because my dear old Hammer Pants ms was something I wrote 18 months ago. The characters do have life and energy that my most recent stuff doesn't have, which just goes to show how horrible the last year or so has been for my writing. But the main thing Hammer Pants didn't have was conflict. And I knew that. I just wasn't expecting it to win that contest, and I wasn't expecting a request. And I panicked with the partial. But, to be fair, I think even if I hadn't panicked and took the time to do it properly, I STILL wouldn't have got the conflict right. Maybe I needed this rejection in order to learn what I still don't know.

There are those who say I probably shouldn't list my problems like this so publically. That editors/agents may read this and view it poorly. Well, that may be the case. And if there are editors/agents reading this, know that this is me making every effort I can to learn my craft in order to make better stories. But I also wanted to let you guys reading now know that even after working with an editor for so long, there are some things that still don't fall into place. Maybe if I'd fluked one right ms, I may have had the added pressure of having to do a second book in order to handle the conflict issue with more speed. But whatever the case, I didn't fluke it and my luck ran out.

Anyway, so where do I go from here? I don't know. I need to learn about conflict because I suspect my problems with it are not specific to Mills and Boon but to the whole romance genre, and in which case, my other mss will not fly anywhere.

Whatever the case, I have been ordered by Dr Jax to take two weeks off writing. This is a horrible thought, especially as two new ideas popped into my head just yesterday (yeah, can't stop the ideas!) but I'm going to do it. I'll let the ideas percolate and sit there. And maybe if I'm still excited by them, I'll go ahead and write them. But until then, it's no writing for me.

I've also decided to take a week off blogging/blog reading too so apologies if I don't visit you or leave comments. Know that I will be back soon once I've cleared my head and the grief of the lost opportunities isn't quite so raw.

And once again, thank you all so much for reading and for your support. You are all wonderful.

What To Do With This Blog?

Okay, well, here I am. And wondering what the next step is. At this point, you can pretty much take my advice with a whole salt pan because clearly, I do not know what I am doing with my writing.

Actually no, that's bollocks, I DO know what I am doing. I've learned HEAPS in the past year. But what is clear is that the way I am doing it is not right. They say one door shuts and another closes. :-)

Anyway, this does lead me to question whether I want to continue with this blog. And for that I need you blog readers. I pretty much need to know if this crap I spew is of worth to people.

So my questions to you are thus:

1. Do you want to keep reading this blog?
2. If so, what do you like about it that keeps you coming back?
3. Is anything I say worthwhile and useful to you, and now that the M&B door has shut pretty firmly in my face, are you still interested in where I go from here?

Rock Bottom

Well, they didn't the Hammer Pants. I was right all along. It was pants. And the even worse news? It's back to the slush for me.

There really isn't any further to fall right now.

So. Really. Where do I go from here? Where do I want to go from here? Am I any good at all? Or is the universe trying to tell me something and I've been too stupid to listen?

Unpublished! Why It's Awesome

I'm coming up to the mid-March you'll hear back deadline. And I've got that whole love/hate relationship thing going on with the Inbox of Doom. It's mostly hate at the moment, followed by brief, intense bouts of love. Such as waking to find there is NO email from the editor in the mornings - love that! And then, five minutes later, 'argh, there is NO email from the editor! argh! But I need to know!' etc. Hate that.

Anyway, pretty much convinced myself that my submissions totally suck. Both of them. No, truly. Don't get me wrong, I love my Hammer Pants ms. I love my hero who is soooo very bad and love my heroine who gives him what for. But since writing the Chessman, I have learned a whole lot more about letting my characters do what they will, and I'm not sure that has happened with MC Hammer Pants. I hate chapter 3 for example. I want to rewrite that completely and as for the rest of the ms... I'd like to think I've done okay for a full request but, fact is, I may have stuffed up again like I did with the previous ms and they won't want the rest. And I'll be kicked back to the slush.

Doubt is vile.

So to pass the time in Unpublished Author Hell and distract myself from my submission doubt, I've decided to list all the positive things about still being unpublished.

1. I can write what I want.
2. I can write when I want.
3. I have NO deadlines.
4. I don't care what my readers think about my story because I have no readers.
5. I can write a story with characters who don't have to be sympathetic/aspirational/original/flawed. Or not.
6. I can have has much external conflict as I like. And aliens. And guns. And pirates. And a little pink pig called Mavis (and she can be the freaking heroine!).
7. I can have no conflict at all if I want and the story can be two pages long.
8. I can stop writing forever and take up morris dancing instead and no one would care.
9. I can toss my WIP in the bin and it wouldn't matter.
10. I don't have to obssess about whether my book is outselling other people's or worry about royalties or marketing or whether I have enough ideas for another book or whether my second book will be as good as my first or whether I'll be a one hit wonder or whether I'll even sell another book ever again.

Oh and here is a link about why being unpublished is awesome (if you can't handle teh swearz, then don't click it).

Any other currently unpublished peoples out there who can think of some reason why this isn't a bad state to be in? Gotta take the positives where we can huh?





PS. Okay, I'm totally lying, you know that, right? Here's why I'm actually desperate to be published...

Ten Ways to Make Your Heroine Suffer - plus some Pimpin'

Right, I thought I'd do a companion piece to my hero torture list since fair's fair, turnabout etc. Time for the heroine to get her turn. Now, I do find writing teh ladeez a tad difficult - women are so complicated! - so if anyone wants to add to the list or disagree, feel free! And remember this is just a few things you can do to make your characters suffer. The ways are as endless and varied as the conflict... hehe...

1. Give her a hero who is the antithesis of everything she believes in. (He's arrogant and uncaring. I hate him).
2. Make him absolutely physically irresistable to her. (But man, he's soooo hot! Hateful male)
3. Give him one (or more) qualities that she can't help but admire (He's so arrogant! But...he really loves puppies and I can't but like a man who loves puppies).
4.Make him get in the way of her goal. (I want to be head of the corporation? Why is he so determined to stop me? Hateful male!)
5. Have him do something for her that changes the way she thinks about him. (Oh he's such an arrogant SOB. I hate him! But then, he donated all that money to the puppy shelter to keep it running...)
6. Make her fall in love with him. (I hate him so much! But the puppies...wait!...No!....I can't!....Noooooooo!!!)
7. Have him refuse to talk about his feelings (Why doesn't he want to talk about this? I can't understand it. Doesn't he know how important it is?? Hateful male).
8. Have him do something that makes her think he hasn't changed after all (he's completely destroyed my chances of promotion! Why would he do that?? Why do I STILL love him! Hateful male etc..)
9. Get her to make her declaration of love to him only to have it come flying back at her - because of course, it's all got to be on her terms. (He didn't want my ultimatum that I'll marry him only if he stops standing in my way of promotion? What? Why not? Hateful, arrogant male. Why do I still love him? Why???)
10. Make her realise that he isn't the only one who needs to change if she wants to be with him. (Wait! Is being with him more important than being the head of the corporation....? Why do I need to be head of the corporation anyway? I just want to be with him and the puppies! Uh oh...)

If you want to go get some awesome examples of both hero and heroine torture, then go no further than the fabulous Natalie Anderson. I'm doing a bit of pimping for her since she's a fellow Kiwi and her latest release kept me up till 12.30am last night! The End to Faking It was a really emotional, intense, sexy read and I just loved it. Anyway, if you want to go get it, you can from the M&B site or go to Nat's page on FB where she is doing an excellent giveaway. Cue the 'free stuff' woot! Details here.

And of course, if you're of a Modern bent, then Ms Maisey Yates is also a great torturer past compare. Marriage Made on Paper is now out and for really great hero torture, you can't go past The Inherited Bride.

So, anyone have any more handy tips for heroine torture?

My Heroine Hell

So there I was, whipping along with the Chessman, 15k in three days and thinking "I SO rock at this writing thing" etc, etc, when suddenly, at 39k, everything came to a crashing halt. And the problem? My heroine. As you who read this blog know, heroines make me want to tear my hair out. They have to be sympathetic yet flawed. Not so different that the reader can't identify with them, but different enough to stand out from all the other heroines in this world. They have to be aspirational. They have to be someone the reader can imagine being. They have to be strong. They have to be simple (for category, their motivations etc must be simple) and yet more complex than a stereotype. Oh and yes, they have to be original.

Easiest thing in the world. Not.

So, the problem of my heroine was this - I kind of knew bits of her, but there was an element that I was missing that would have solidified her on the page and in my head. Do you know what I mean? It's hard to describe. But the essence was that I realised that all she was doing was reacting to the hero. He'd do something, she'd react. And the problem with that is she wasn't actually taking charge of the plot. It was all being driven by him. Why by him? It's not just because he's an alpha. It's because I knew him. I know what he'd do in a situation, I know his conflict, I know his feelings about things. And so because I didn't really know her, he was taking over, the dear, sweet, darling man (yeah, baby, it's all about the hero).

Now, normally when this happens, I push through and finish the thing and then go back and fix the problem, but this time I figured I really had to stop and do something about my heroine. My black moment wasn't going to work, let alone the HEA, if I didn't know who the hell she was. So I had to figure her out which - as you all know - is not easy.

After much hair pulling, I think the reason why I couldn't get a handle on her is that my initial idea of her was actually too difficult pull off. She was a drifter, someone without any idea of what she wanted to do. She was goalless. The problem with a heroine like that is if she doesn't know what she's doing with her life or what she wants, then neither does the reader. And that's not particularly aspirational or sympathetic. It also plays merry hell with the pace. I'm not saying you can't have a character like this, it's just hard work. And God knows, getting this stuff right is hard enough without giving yourself a difficult character to pull off. Keep it simple stupid. :-)

So, figuring out characters... For me, I have write the whole first draft before I know them. Character interviews, all that kind of stuff doesn't work. It's not until I'm writing that I figure it out. Oh and discussing ideas with the CPs helps a treat too. And all it'll take for me is one suggestion and then suddenly it'll come right (like it did in this instance).

What about you guys? How do you figure out yours? Do you have to write the whole thing first and get to know them as you go along? Or do you know everything before you write?

Oh and my heroine? Yep, figured her out finally. She's a passionate artist who draws graphic novels. And no, they are NOT cartoons...

Attack of the Killer Blahs or I Suck

Blah. Such a great word. Sums up so many things in such a short space. Also correctly and precisely describes my feelings about the tsunami of submission doubt that has dumped itself on my head. I'm at the point where you know you're going to hear back soonish and am trying to resist the lure of re-reading my subs to check things. Re-reading does one of two things: 1. It plunges me into the depths of despair since the sub was obviously crap and why on earth did I think it was any good in the first place? Or 2. It makes me feel incredibly satisfied since the sub is clearly excellent and I will instantly get a contract and why are they taking so long?

Neither of these options are useful, espcially when the last time I settled on option 2 I got a form R. What also doesn't help is the fact that the Hammer Pants ms is now different to the synopsis I sent in. Now apparently this doesn't matter too much since eds know synopses change etc, etc. Well, can I say now that that is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Your synopsis does matter. It matters a lot. And my synopses usually aren't that great in the first place. Why is it you only see such things AFTER the sub has gone? Blah, I say.

Anyway, one thing that isn't blah is The Chessman. If you will note the word meter at the right hand side of the screen, you will see that it has climbed appreciably. Basically in the past three days I have written 15k. Yes, I will be smug a moment since this is the only thing that seems to be doing well. In fact, I'm amazed at how fast the thing is going down. I think there is a reason for it but I might save that for another blog post. Especially as the reason its going down fast is another reason to be down about my Hammer Pants. Argh!

So what do you do when you have a blah moment? Shop? Drink? Eat? Hug random strangers? All four at once?

PS. Big congrats to Leah Ashton who sold her NV book. Good for you, Leah!