In Which Jackie Drags Out Yet Another Tired Analogy

For the few people still reading this blog, I thought I'd vary my analogy today. I've given up supermarkets for the moment, since supermarkets imply movement. I'm going with quicksand today since there is absolutely no movement whatsoever. Plus I can also get in the whole 'journey to publication' thing since, apparently, it is a journey.  Except I guess that too is a misnomer since 'journeying' also implies movement. And I'm not moving. I'm stuck in the quicksand of waiting.

It's depressing. You can't do anything. You can't move forward and you can't even go back. Oh, you keep writing but you wonder what the point of it all is. You've got stacks of stories but why write more? No one's ever going to read anything you've written anyway, right?

Even your blog posts start sounding the same.

I'm not quite sure what to do really. The quicksand is steadily sucking all my enthusiasm for writing away and soon I'll have nothing left. The real world is calling and a job that actually pays money for hard work is seeming all the more attractive.



I thought this year I would start to get somewhere. I've had few modest successes and I think my writing is better than it's ever been. But now the successes haven't lead anywhere but into more quicksand, things are starting to feel like retread of last year. And the year before that. And the year before that.


So what's the point with continuing to standing here, stuck in the middle of a journey that isn't going anywhere?  Anyone got any sage advice for a quicksandee?

Supermarket Queues

So I'm at a packed supermarket and I'm trying to find a checkout that hasn't got fifty million people queued up and not having much luck. I can't use the 12 items or less checkout because I have more than 12 items and the self-serve checkout is a little bit new-fangled and freaky for me.

My heart is sinking cause I know I'm going to be in the supermarket FOREVER at this rate, and then I happen to see a checkout that only has one old lady in it. So I nip in behind her, looking at everyone else and feeling smug because I know I'm going to get out before them.

And then the old lady starts taking coupons out of her bag. And she's got a LOT of coupons. And then the other queues start going really fast and I realise, with another sinking sensation, that I have picked the wrong queue. *dramatic music*


Desperately I search for another queue that looks like it's going faster and get into that one. And it works. For a minute. But then the man in front of me pulls out something he has in his bag that he wants to return, and starts arguing with the checkout operator. Another wrong queue.

I skip to the next one but this one has a young woman who is trying to buy alcohol and has to have her ID checked and the operator clearly doesn't have the authority to authorise it and has called their superior. But their superior is currently arguing with the man who is still trying to return something.

I find another queue and this one looks like it's going fast, and I'm feeling once again so pleased with myself. But just as I start putting my shopping on the conveyor, the checkout operator slaps a 'checkout closed' sign down and goes off on her break.

So I whip in behind a mother and her kids and hey, she's got a LOT of shopping but there's no one else behind her, and it's going really well. Until her kids start playing up. And she starts arguing with the checkout operator about the specials. Then she realises she's forgotten to get something and heads off towards the shelves.

I am beginning to think I will never get out of this supermarket.

I try the queue with the man returning stuff but he's still arguing and now there's another checkout operator involved. Brieflly I consider the queue with the young woman buying alcohol but realise her operator is now the one involved with the man arguing. The mother still hasn't come back from the shelves and the old lady is still fumbling around in her bag for her coupons.

At this point I know that my fears are correct. There are no shortcuts. Some queues are faster and there's no rhyme or reason to them, they just are. If you're lucky you'll get a short queue. If you're not, you won't.

I go back to the queue with the old lady. And I wait. And wait. And wait.

That new-fangled self-serve checkout is starting to look better and better.

Valentine's Day in Limbo

Okay, so, since Elissa nailed shut the escape door in Unpublished Author Waiting Limbo, I am now trapped here. Which means you will all have to put up with me moaning about it until I manage to swim the lakes of fire, slay the two-headed dogs, manage to scale the nine hundred million mile high barbed-wire fence, and somehow unlock the fabulous double doors that lead to Published Author Waiting Limbo. So if you all get sick of me, blame her. ;-)

In the meantime, since it's Valentine's Day I am going to give all you wonderful blog friends a little gift for making Unpublished Author Waiting Limbo just a little more bearable (not to mention blocking all my cunning escape routes you evil wenches, hehe).

Now, I'm not feeling very Valentiney since all I got this morning was a cup of coffee and a stale croissant. However, the day is still young(ish) and Dr Jax may yet redeem himself. So, to that end, please enjoy this small inspiration on me. Hoo is making cocktails (Sex on the Beach if you must know) so feel free to settle in. For those of you who have already seen it (and I'm sure most of you have, do indulge again. Personally I think you can never have too much of a good thing. Especially if that good thing is David Gandy wearing next to nothing.



And I think it decides the argument about white speedos quite conclusively. Yes, they are sexy.

Happy Freaking Valentine's everyone. :-)

The View from the Bar in Unpublished Author Waiting Limbo

There is a special place that all unpublished authors wanting to submit to a publisher evenutally congregate in. It's called Unpublished Author Waiting Limbo. It's really not either heaven or hell but I'm going to designate it hell and give it it's very own special circle because Unpubbed Author Waiting Limbo can be torture. And it's not because Unpubbed Author Waiting Limbo is full of devils with pitchforks and crows pecking your eyes out. It's actually quite a nice place. There are comfy couches and seats. Magazines to read. A little library of books. There's a bar and music. A nice fire going. It seems comfortable. But that's just on the outside. Inside, every single author is torturing themselves with "what's happening to my submission?" Because that's the problem with Unpubbed Author Waiting Limbo. You don't know. And when we don't know, our brain makes up all kinds of stories about what is happening with your sub. Maybe it's taking so long because the ed loves it and is getting a second opinion? Maybe it's taking so long because the ms has gone missing? Maybe it's taking so long because the ed hasn't got to it yet? Maybe she hates it and it's gone in the bin and I didn't get the rejection email?
There are thousands of stories in Upubbed Author Waiting Limbo, all happening inside the authors heads. The human brain abhors not knowing and so when we don't know what's happening, it just goes ahead and makes stuff up for us.

Yay for brains.

Anyway, my brain is a master of making stuff up for me in the absence of not knowing. Currently, I have three subs out. Sub number one has been gone four and a half months now and since I have been passed to a new editor, I fear my Unpubbed Author Waiting Limbo clock has been reset back to sub number two, which has been gone six weeks. Sub number 3 is SYTYCW and two weeks after everyone else has had responses, I am still waiting for mine. I do not know why I haven't heard but currently my brain is telling me they either never got my entry or they've lost it. This is making Unpubbed Author Waiting Limbo a very unpleasant place to be right now and I wish I wasn't here.

I've got quite familiar with Unpubbed Author Waiting Limbo. It's actually become like home. I'm starting to put up pictures and photos, put a nice rug down, got my special pillow. But you know, it's not really home. I see people who have been here less time than me get that magical response which fires them up to heaven or down to hell, and I am jealous. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to move on to Published Author Waiting Limbo which is just through the fabulous double doors down the end of the hallway. The doors that are guarded by two-headed dogs, a lake of fire, and a 900 million foot high barbed wire fence.

Some days I am okay with being in UnPubbed Author Waiting Limbo. I've got friends here and the vodka is cheap and plentiful. But today is not one of those days. There is a way out though. There's a small doorway behind the bar that will let you crawl to freedom and I'm sitting at the bar contemplating that doorway right now. It's in the opposite direction to Published Author Waiting Limbo of course but there aren't any two-headed dogs or lakes of fire or fences. Just five minutes walk and I can open it and be free of Unpubbed Author Waiting Limbo forever. And it's starting look very, very attractive.

Yes, I know the best way to handle it is to write, and yes, some days that's what I do. But Unpubbed Author Waiting Limbo wears you down. It can sap your creativity. And no matter how hard you try, you just can't get your brain to stop thinking about why you haven't heard yet and devising various hideous scenarios about how lame your sub is and how your email filter is somehow deleting every email that could possibly be from an editor.

Today, as I am waiting for some sort of SYTYCW news and failing to get any, is a day of no creativity or inspiration. It's a day of frustration. It's a day where I think I will NEVER escape this place. I will be here for ever and ever and ever. It's a day of thinking that it isn't worth it and that it would be so easy to end the torture and just walk out the doorway at the back of the bar.

And right at this moment I want to.

So You Think You Can Wait Part 2

I'm still in waiting room hell. Have heard nothing re SYTYCW this week. I'm almost wishing I'd got one of the Rs they sent out last week because then at least I'd know. But the worst part is that after waiting another week after everyone else, I STILL could get an R. Groan. Poor eds, they had flu and then a snow day, and no doubt are up to their eyeballs in lots of other stuff, but the timing sure does suck. At least I'm not the only one though. There are a bunch of us who haven't heard so that's something. Means I won't be getting too paranoid about whether they even received my entry!

Anyway, now I have to wait until NZ Tuesday before I find out anything. I know, drama queen right? Well, I'm afraid that's me. Drama queen extraordinaire. And when you know you're going to hear about a sub 'any day' you just can't just forget about it. At least, I can't. It has made writing this week very difficult (waking up at 5am every day to check your email gets a little tiring - and no, I didn't purposefully wake up at that time!). I've got 'waiting paralysis' basically. Plenty of stuff I should be getting on with but I keep coming up against the 'will they even want the rest of this?' barrier. Same with all my new ideas, especially since - when you're targeting Riva - you have no idea whether what they're looking for...

Well, that's my vent of the month. Anyone got any tips as to good distraction techniques?

So You Think You Can Wait

I still haven't heard re SYTYCW. If it wasn't for a bunch of other people who haven't heard either, I would be REALLY paranoid now that my entry was lost. It still could have been for all I know. Sigh. The most annoying thing of all is that now I have to wait until Tuesday NZ time which is aaaaages away! *whines*

I think I must be the only person (apart from Maisey) who hates weekends. :-)

Ah well, in lieu of news, have another round of drinks on Hoo. Elissa mentioned eye candy so here's a bit of David Gandy for you too. He's currently - or this picture in particular - the inspiration for my chess grandmaster. Now, look at that and tell me that's not sexxxayyy!

Still Waiting....

I'm still waiting to hear back re SYTYCW. It's like waiting for the firing squad to get to you. They've shot everyone else, there's only you left. Groan! And it's worse for me because normally my news comes while I'm sleeping due to the difference in time zones between the UK and NZ. Yay for sleeping! This time it looks like the news is coming from Toronto and the difference in time zones is different. I'm awake during their work hours and it's horrible! Wish I was still asleep.

Alright, so, while I am waiting, pull up a chair and share your SYTYCW stories. Got an R you want to vent about? Some feedback you can't understand? Still waiting like me? Share! I'll get Hoo to mix some drinks...

And while he's at it, check out the Sisters' blog and the awesome post Maisey has written re strengthening that first chapter.

Patience is a Virtue

The above picture is the sound of silence. Both in my house just now and also from the mighty offices in Richmond. I was actually feeling quite good about the silence (in both places) for a while but it's been 8 weeks since I sent in my chapter and synopsis and...well, getting a bit impatient now.

I know, I know. They're inundated with NV subs and no doubt with all the SYTYCW subs too, not to mention being snowed in - literally - so it's no wonder I haven't heard really. And what with polishing up the Hammer Pants and my SYTYCW sub too, hearing about my other sub is not really what I want right now...

Oh, okay, I tell a lie. I DO want to hear about it. I want them to ask for the next two chapters please. The timing would be terrible but hey, I could manage it! Unless it's a flat out R of course. But OTOH, at least I'd know.

So, how about it M&B? Can I find out before Xmas please? Pretty please?

......*more tumblweed rolls by*.........

Sigh.

Aaaaanyway, I am having a lovely weekend of writing provided for me by the wonderful Dr Jax. He's taking the kids out so I can polish up my subs and get them away next week before we head away for a few days up north (where I have NO internet. Sniff). Hence the lovely sound of silence in my house.

So, anyone else waiting right now? How long as it been for you?

I Swear....

Was really hoping I'd at least get some sort of verdict before the NV competition starts but, well, whaddya know, still no verdict. I have to say I've kind of given up on this story. It's dragged on so long that I've already said goodbye to it in my mind. Oh, I'll be gutted if I get another rejection on a partial (though personally, if I do, I'll be really annoyed because I think the synopsis is the best I've ever done and there is a story worth looking at there) but maybe it will be for the best. I worked really hard on this, perhaps too hard. After so many rewrites and rejigs, perhaps the freshness is gone and it's better to let it go.

On the up side, I have decided to give myself some goals with all the unfinished stories, with the aim of finishing them so I can try my hand at something a bit different. So, lovely blog friends, I hereby solemnly swear, upon my honour, to God and the Queen, that I will finish my soldier story by the end of September. I will also endeavour to have a polished partial and synopsis of IT Girl, just in case I get a request from the NV competition. Because yes, I am throwing caution to the winds and will be entering. If nothing else, it'll at least feel like I'm doing something positive instead of just waiting around.

Okay, so those are my goals for this month and by putting them on the blog, I must achieve them or - sob - lose face. ;-)

What goals do other people have for the new month? Other than world domination and/or selling your first book for millions?

Very Soon Sweepstakes Update

The 'Very Soon' sweepstake is nearing the end of its first week and....sorry Janet who picked the 6th. No word for me this morning. :-( So, we'll be entering the second week on Monday so fingers crossed that one of you who picked this coming week will be right.

It's not the best week to be hearing to be honest. I leave for Sydney on Monday and I'm not sure I want to know while I'm on holiday/conference. Especially if I get an R. I kind of like to lick my wounds in private and I can see it putting a huge damper on my holiday. Wahhh, poor me. Dr Jax has promised to vet my email for me just in case and I will be complaining loudly and long to Rach and Janette (be warned guys!) so that helps too.

Anyway, I have no idea what the ed will actually say, but I have come to the conclusion that Modern Heat is one of the harder categories to break into. It's not a clear cut line like some of the others and I suspect, once the line changes to Riva and they see how its selling, the editorial direction may change. Not that I know or anything, just a suspicion. They have said they want 'different'. But what is 'different'? I think the New Voices comp is an indication that they themselves don't really know until they see it. They want public input from readers about people's chapters which I guess means that they want to see what kind of stories resonate with people and which won't. Scary huh?

Well, if there's one thing that I think matters with category as it is now, it's voice. There's not much in the way of originality in plotlines in romance but the way you CAN make it original is the way you write. And of course, including what the eds have recommended like new spins on old conflicts, 21st century issues, etc , etc. The trick is to do all that within the category guidelines. Who said writing category was easy again??

Bad Romance

I know it's a Lady Gaga song but hey, it's just crying out to be used as a blog post title too. ;-) And hey, my writing is all crap at the moment so it's a fitting title. Anyway, I've been slack on the blog front. Mainly due to the massive plunge into 'why do I bother' territory. Been 11 weeks now since I sent off my two chapters. Not very long really (you really know you're a writer when 11 weeks becomes 'not very long'). I kind of hoped I'd hear sooner because two chapters isn't even a full partial but....well....not as the case may be. Still, I did email her to ask about the New Voices comp and whether I should enter and she did reply. Apparently the experience should be fun and I should give it a go. I don't know if will yet. Depends on how much of a masochist I am and considering my feelings about writing at the moment, I'm thinking not. But, well, you know me, up and down ALL the time so by September I may be feeling entirely differently.

Oh and the ed told I would be hearing 'very soon' about my sub.

Anyone want to take a bet on how long 'very soon' is?

In fact, I think I might run a wee sweepstake to help with the NTAI. Post how long you think 'very soon' is and the person who guesses the closest to when I hear back will win a prize. Don't know what that prize may be - probably a book or something. Oh and depending on how long 'very soon' is, you may be waiting a while to hear who wins...;-)

Note: Yes, I'm complaining. Yes, I know I should be patient. But a little vent now and then doesn't hurt. I'm even feeling better now for having done this blog post.

Demotivation

Not much happening here. Again. I'm extraordinarily demotivated today, hence the demotivator above.

Still, I started a new story - bad me - 'cause I was thinking about the New Voices competition but the ed told me not to enter the last one so I'm wondering whether it's the same deal this time round. Then again, apart from the Feel the Heat comp, I haven't had much luck with any other competitions I've entered so I'm wondering if I really need something else to depress myself with. Probably not.

On the other hand there is the brand new iPad. And can I tell you it's the perfect NTAI device. As long as you don't put it down. But that's okay cause after buying the Plants vs Zombies game, I actually haven't put it down. Or even thought about waiting. Until I realised I had to do a blog post of course. Sigh.

Been trying to be good and think of other things. Like the Aussie conference in two weeks which I will be going to for the first time. Yay! Get to meet my great non-Sister CPs and buddies Rach and Janette!! Woohoo. And then there will be the RWNZ conference that week after that which will be heaps of fun too.

And that's about the size of it. Who else is entering the competition then?

One Percent

Another slow news day in Jackie land. Or should I say another day of stressing out about the NES (Never Ending Story). I should be consoling myself with another WIP but that well seems to have dried up. I've hit the wall in other words. And as such, the question needs to be asked - how long do I keep going?

I haven't been submitting long (or at least, not long in this business) - over two years. I'm on my 6th submission, including 2 contest entries. I have lots of ideas still and lots of mss that need finishing. But I'm not sure how much emotional energy I have left. And that's the killer really. A nice analogy that I've heard from Dr Jax is what they say about anaesthetists - the job is 99% boredom, 1% sheer terror. That sums up for me quite nicely what happens with unpublished writers too. A large percentage of the time is waiting and then there's that horrible moment when you can see the email in your inbox - that's the 1% of sheer terror right there.

I've tried to explain that 1% to Dr Jax and he hasn't really understood. Until last night. He's a Dutch supporter for the World Cup and was stressing about the semi-final big time. And so I told him that that's how I feel EVERY morning I download my email. He said, "God, how you do stand it?" And you know what? I don't know how I stand it. Cause it's getting pretty boring feeling like that I can tell you.

I don't know what I'll do if this ms is rejected. I have another ready to go but at this stage, I'm not sure I have enough emotional reserves left to bear the sub process all over again. And this isn't just me I'm thinking about here either, this includes the family and friends and CPs who have to deal with me during this process. I'm not easy to say the least. Think the Incredible Hulk - you wouldn't like me when I'm waiting on a submission. :-)

Well, I always knew this was hard and maybe if I hadn't had all that early success, I may have been better equipped for the long haul. There's definitely something to be said for a slow building success. I started out with a blaze of glory, only to fizzle out. Which is when you start to question yourself and everything you do.

So what do you do when you hit the wall? What will be your limit? When will you say enough's enough? I always thought my answer will be never. But never is looking like an awfully long time right now.

The Never Ending Story

It would have been nice to start the weekend off with some news - but I don't have any news. Sigh. I guess me having to update the synopsis has put a spanner in the works. I was really, really hoping that it wouldn't but maybe the day she'd set aside for my partial was the day she didn't have the updated synopsis and so chapters 2 - 3 remain unread. Deeper sigh.

This story is something I really wondering if I'm doing myself any favours with. It all started back in October 2009 when I suggested I send the ed the synopsis for approval first. This was for a story I'd initially written (twice) in 2008. She agreed and so I spent a week trying to get it right. Rewrote the synopsis 6 times. Sent it in. Ed said 'back to the drawing board I'm afraid'. This is now November. She suggested I send her some character bios. So I did. December she said they looked good, could she now see the first three chapters and a synopsis. Happy me. I wrote them and sent them at the very beginning of January. Cue four months waiting. April, the ed suggested substantial rewriting. Big wahs from me. Then she suggested she look at my first chapter first. Slightly happier me. I rewrote the partial but after having had it critiqued, realised I'd done a crap job so I rewrote it again (5th time all up). Sent in my first chapter. Ed liked it! Very, very happy me. Send the other two, she said. So I did. Six weeks later she'll get back to me by the end of this week. Um, story is different now, says I. Would you like an updated synopsis? Yes, indeed, says the ed. Tears, tantrums, loud complaints of giving up, wailings and gnashings of teeth later, I rewrote the synopsis (number 7). Thumbs down after a critique. More wailings, tearings of hair, blood on the keyboard. Rewrite again (number 8) and sent it.

Silence.

So there you have it, the story of the of the Never Ending Story. Have I been an idiot for pushing this story so hard? Should I have told the ed to forget it in April and sent her something new? Will I even get to send the rest after nine months of it sitting at the partial stage? Am I, in fact, any good at writing at all or am I deluding myself that I can do this?

Sigh. I am pushing it I guess because I want to show them I can rewrite if necessary. Or maybe all I've shown them is what a huge mess I've made of it.

I guess the problem has been that I have a strong voice that needs to be reined in sometimes. And the other - I've finally figured out - is that I am trying to fit single title conflict into a category book. What I mean by that is that I overcomplicate by conflicts. They never just have one strand, they're always multi-faceted. Not good for a category length novel. I've also realised that the reason I give them complex conflict is that I feel that falling in love solving their problems makes it too simple. So I give them more problems. And so overcomplicate. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I know, these are love stories. Fantasies. Of course falling in love doesn't solve all their problems. At least, it may not solve all of them, just the main one you've given them at the beginning of the book. Ah well, at least I know now.

Alright, so seeing as I have no news on the Never Ending Story, does anyone have any good goss instead?

Just Hanging Around

Nothing new to report here. Just twiddling my thumbs. Actually that's a lie, I started a new story. Bad, bad Jackie. I have two stories at the partial stage and one with a first chapter done so those really need finishing - I shouldn't be starting a new one! But y'know, when the new story bug hits, ya just gotta go with it.

I haven't written a linked story before but I got kind of inspired after Maisey wrote one. In my current wip my hero has a younger sister. She appeared in an earlier iteration of this story so I know her quite well - she's an unusual sort of girl. Anyway, in the wip, her part is reduced to a phone call so I was kind of feeling a bit sorry we don't see more of her, and when Maisey wrote a story concerning a younger sister I thought why not? But I'll have to get rid of some things first - she's 18 in the wip so I'll have to advance time for her (as you do when you are the god of your character's world), and she has a blue mohawk and an eyebrow piercing so I'll have to get rid of those as well. She can keep playing drums for a gothic metal band though and she's definitely keeping her talent with the violin too. This all could mean she's a tad too quirky but hey, will give it a go and see what happens. Interesting to create a story out of a past that's already set and unchangable. And interesting creating a hero for someone whose character can't be altered too much. I usually create both in tandem with each other so this is a new experience. But a good one. Now all I have to do is think of a plot! ;-)

In the meantime I have been award the Honest Scrap Award by the lovely Kerrin. I have to list ten things you may not know about me. So here they are:

1. I did fencing at university. Once. After a long afternoon at the pub.
2. I love poetry, especially ee cummings and TS Eliot.
3. I have a BA in English (no I do NOT plan to be a teacher - not that there is anything wrong with that).
4. I wrote my first romance when I was 13. The heroine was called Patricia and the hero was married to her sister. It was full of the kind of angst and torture that only 13 year old girls can possibly imagine or indeed be interested in.
5. I once entered a singing competition. The other contestants wore evening gowns. I wore Doc Martens and leggings. I did not win.
6. I got engaged in Prague, on the banks of the river. A saxophone was playing 'Autumn Leaves' nearby and afterwards we went to an ice hockey game to celebrate.
7. When I'm not reading romance, I'm reading SF and fantasy, especially anything by Iain M Banks.
8. I hated Titanic and also Twilight (don't shoot me).
9. I loved Star Wars (but only the first trilogy).
10. My plans for world domination are proceeding nicely.

I have to nominate some bloggers for this award but I think it's been around a bit so I'm going to pike out and say that if you haven't done it yet, it's your turn! :-)

Too Many Eggs and Not Enough Baskets

I'm wondering about eggs. And baskets. And wondering if I've got too many in one place with the whole Modern Heat thing. Because that's the only line I'm targetting at the moment. Mainly because I really, really wanted to get a handle on it and doing anything else felt like changing my focus. Yeah, I'm a little bit obsessive like that.

The problem though is, yep, you guessed it, wait times. I have been inching forward, it's true. And I do feel like I'm making some progress. But it's by slow increments. And I'm such an imptatient little person that it's doing my head in. The ed has chapters 2 and 3 and my synopsis but I haven't received any answer on this yet. It hasn't been long so I shouldn't complain. But I've finished rewriting my story now and once again I am waiting.

And this time I'm wondering if I should do something different, branch out. Even - shock, horror! - try a different publisher. Thing is, I like writing Modern Heat. Even if I wasn't writing to the guidelines, my stories would still be very Modern/Modern Heat. Perhaps they'd be longer and the language would be stronger (let's face it, alphas probably wouldn't say 'god' or 'hell' or 'insert appropriate mild curse here' ALL the time) but they'd still be essentially character driven because that's what I like to write.

Still, maybe it's worth thinking about. Be nice to have more than one submission out there, I have to say. Challenge myself too. Although I do feel I'm being challenged enough in getting MH right!

Anyone else out there targetting different publishers? What do you reckon? Worth a crack?

Climbing Everest

I've been thinking about how tough this business is the past couple weeks - while I've been waiting unsurprisingly - and wondering at what point people give up. Is it worth the constant feeling of impatience? The feeling of sickness when you download your email in the morning? The disappointment when there is no answer yet again? And then building up to it all over again the next day?
This morning I was doubting it was worth it. Because surely all this stress and doubt isn't good for you. It's certainly been a killer for my inspiration and creativity.

And then also this morning, as I was trying to figure out whether to keep going or not, I happened to have a good talk to a very wise friend of mine. This friend does a lot of hiking and climbing and he told me about a NZ climber he knew who nearly got to the top of Everest but experienced a disaster when a storm hit him and his climbing partner. His partner died and he lost all half his foot and lots of fingers to frostbite. Apparently this climber, after coming back down from Everest, descended into bad depression, alcoholism and nearly took his own life. But he was a strong guy and pulled himself back from the edge, got fit again, and went back to climbing mountains because that's what he loved to do. This is, I know, in no way, shape or form akin to writing. I'm not going to die if I don't get published and I certainly won't lose a limb waiting in the slush (except my mind maybe!). But it struck a chord with me because this journey certainly feels, in many ways, like climbing Everest. What makes it worse is that I nearly got to the top once, only to be turned back before summitting. And the hell of it is, when you get turned back, you know that the only way to get back up there is by climbing the whole bl**dy thing again. There are no quick routes. There is no helicopter to get you part way up. You've got to start climbing - again! - from the very bottom.

The thing about this NZ climber that really struck me though - and this is true for most climbers - was his mental toughness. He lost so much and yet pulled himself out of the darkness and got back out there because climbing is what he loved to do. How much discipline and determination would that take?
My point with this is that if this is what I want, I'm going to have to cultivate a bit of mental toughness myself. And I have to remind myself that the thing about climbing Everest is that with every ascent, you learn more about the route you're climbing, the weather, the dangers, and perhaps a few good handholds here and there. You're more prepared for the journey. And you're more determined - you're not going to let that mountain beat you. It's that preparation and that determination that will - hopefully - get you to the top.

Getting published has been a dream since I was little, and it's been two years since I've been actively pursuing this dream. And it's hard work. Really hard work. Everest is the world's highest mountain and it's a b*tch to climb. I've had to start from the bottom five times - and it's worse now than it was because now I know how hard it is and how long it takes. But I am tough. I will keep climbing. And I really hope that the view from the summit is worth it.

Alrighty, that was a very long-winded analogy wasn't it? Don't mind me, this is an extended pep-talk to myself but if it helps any of you then that's all good. If anyone else is climbing Everest and needs a hand, I'm here. I've got ropes, oxygen for when we get really high, and lots of freeze-dried food.

Oh, and lots of chocolate. :-)

Nothing to Say

I keep delaying my posts in the hope that I have something to tell you.

But I have nothing to tell you.

So to keep me going and to keep the crows at bay, here is Jean Claude Van Damme with my own personal mantra.




Maybe it'll be this week.

Jackie Ashenden and the Inbox of Doom

After nearly two weeks of waiting by the Inbox of Doom, nothing. I was kind of hoping not to post until I had news to relate but, sadly, I have no news to relate. No boulders falling from the sky. No snakes. No flaming arrows flying at my head. No jewels waiting on the head of a statue deep in the bowels of the temple...
Okay, enough Indiana Jonesing. I suppose the week isn't over yet so I shouldn't count my chickens but I'm still feeling like it won't be this week. Time in editorland passes differently to time out here in unpublished authorland. And justifiably so. Editors have many published authors to deal with as well as sifting through the slush. I, on the other hand, only have one ms to think about and lots of time to do it in. Four months certainly gives you a perspective on what you've done and I've learned quite a lot in the past four months. I would not have written the partial now like I did back in January. However, the main thing about this sub is that I still think the conflict holds up. Certainly didn't feel that way about my last submission. But my thoughts on the subject don't count. It's whether the ed feels the same that matters.

Anyway, until I hear there's nothing much else to do but write, write, write. It IS the best way to forget about a sub. In the four months of my wait I've already polished up another ms, written the first draft of a second and written the first chapers of mss number 3 and 4. So I should have a nice tidy stack of mss ready to go by the time I hear back.

Guess this means that should there be an R destined for me, I won't be giving up. Feel free to remind me of this the next time an R comes along...;-)

So, in the interests of NTAI, here's a situation for you: One love scene. One heroine. One catsuit. Boots. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get the heroine out of the catsuit without removing her boots. Discuss.

And when you've figured it out, let me know cos it's doing my head in. ;-)

The Importance of Being Nervous

Why am I nervous? Because I've heard from the editor that I've been working with and she's told me that she should be getting to my partial in the next couple of weeks. Argh!!! And I've gone from impatient waiting to nervous twitching instead. Perhaps it's nicer not knowing. Because when you don't know, you can entertain all kinds of wonderful thoughts such as they love it so much they want your full manuscript instantly. Or that they offer you a fifty book contract on the spot. Or just that they like it but they want you to change a few things. I'd be happy with anything that isn't a flat-out no at this stage. :-)

The problem is that I've learned heaps in the past six months. Especially the past three. Which means that the partial I sent three months ago is probably not the partial I would send now. Sigh. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I 'think' the conflict is okay - certainly the character biographies I sent through were approved of - so that should help, but ultimately you never know until the editor gives you the magic yes. I still like my partial, I still think it was good. There are things I would change now but that's just to do with pace. In spite of all of that, I may get the flat-out no. And in which case - here's the important thing - I do have another manuscript ready to go. I'm not giving up until I get the 'please do not submit to us again' letter*.

No retreat, no surrender right?

*Note: There is no such letter (that I know of). :-)