When You're Afraid of Your Own Story

Alrighty, I have now finished the partial requested by Mills and Boon, and also the full I need to send to to Carina. All I need to do is a final polish on both and then a synopses each. Easy.

Well, okay apart from actually writing the synopses.

And the HUGE subbing fear that is currently lurking around in my brain.

Yep, easy all right.

I think this might be a good time to remind myself of the speech Jane Porter gave at the close of the Romance Writers of Australia conference. She was incredibly inspirational and what she said really struck home to me at the time. She spoke about how long it too her to get published and the ups and downs of the industry. Then she then went on to describe a little incident with her son about how he was learning how to play baseball and how his coach was talking to him as he prepared to hit the ball, how the coach was telling him he owned the ball, this one was his, this one had his name written all over it, he could do it. The kid struck out about three times but the coach was constantly telling him how he could do it. How he could hit this one out of the park. And on the third time he did it.
She mentioned this in the context of how wonderful it is to have support when you're doing something hard, but I got something out of it that was a little different. Because it gelled with something else that someone had told me earlier on in the conference - that we are the experts in our stories. No one else knows our stories like we do. No one else knows our characters like we do.

And I thought to myself that yep, I'm that kid. I'm standing there with a bat in my hand. And that ball? That ball is my story and I've been afraid of it. Afraid I'll get it wrong somehow, that my characters will be wrong, that my conflict will be wrong, that my plot will be wrong. And for the past year, I've been kind of taking punts at the balls that keep being thrown at me, but I'm so afraid of them, I don't even try swinging. Because deep down, I'm not sure I can hit them.

I am not owning my stories. They are owning me.

Well, at the end of her speech, Jane spoke about not giving in to despair. That your journey is your own, it's not anyone else's. That all you've got is you - but that's the biggest strength there is.

And I thought 'yeah, she's bloody right'. I need to stop giving in to despair. Stop being afraid of my own stupid stories. Stop letting them own me. Because I am the expert here, not them. I write them, they don't write me. I own them. They're mine. And the more I own them, the greater the chance will be that I'll hit one of them out of the ballpark.

It may not be the ones I've just written. But one day, one of those stories will, literally, have my name written all over it.

So there, inspirational speech/pep talk/coach for the week. Just remind me of it when the time comes to hit send! :-)

The Importance of Being Nervous

Why am I nervous? Because I've heard from the editor that I've been working with and she's told me that she should be getting to my partial in the next couple of weeks. Argh!!! And I've gone from impatient waiting to nervous twitching instead. Perhaps it's nicer not knowing. Because when you don't know, you can entertain all kinds of wonderful thoughts such as they love it so much they want your full manuscript instantly. Or that they offer you a fifty book contract on the spot. Or just that they like it but they want you to change a few things. I'd be happy with anything that isn't a flat-out no at this stage. :-)

The problem is that I've learned heaps in the past six months. Especially the past three. Which means that the partial I sent three months ago is probably not the partial I would send now. Sigh. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I 'think' the conflict is okay - certainly the character biographies I sent through were approved of - so that should help, but ultimately you never know until the editor gives you the magic yes. I still like my partial, I still think it was good. There are things I would change now but that's just to do with pace. In spite of all of that, I may get the flat-out no. And in which case - here's the important thing - I do have another manuscript ready to go. I'm not giving up until I get the 'please do not submit to us again' letter*.

No retreat, no surrender right?

*Note: There is no such letter (that I know of). :-)

Chocks Away!

It's done. Cat and Sean are winging their way to London. Hope they like it over there. Hope the ed likes them. They're really a lovely couple. Much nicer now I know them properly. Sean has been re-alpha'd because the ed warned me not to make him too good. And Cat has been de-immatured.
They have issues though, issues they really need to work through, and I hope they get the chance for their HEA.

Seriously, one thing I'll say for this partial is that it's waaay better than the last one. At least, I think it is. And that's mainly because I know my characters a lot better. Those character bios were a godsend and I can't think why I didn't do them earlier. Maybe one day I won't need them but for now, until I get a handle on this conflict drama, I'll do one for each new story. Before I start writing.

Right, so now I can kick back and relax on the beach holiday we're going on tomorrow. For maybe five minutes. :-) Will get web withdrawal I'm sure of it - which is why I'll be visiting the local WIFI hotspot frequently. Am also taking my trusty laptop so I can rewrite the rest of Cat and Sean's story in the hope they'll want the rest of it. Nothing like starting 2010 with a bit of optimism!

Hope you all have a lovely week or two. Here's to NTAI!

Synopsis Sent

After two weeks of fiddling and rewriting, synopsis version 6 is on its way. Thanks to the wonderful Michelle Styles, I now have a story with potential, rather than severe flaws. Of course the editors at Mills and Boon may not agree but even if they don't, I have learned SO much about conflict and action/reaction in the course of the past two weeks that the next sub will be even better. And I like my story a whole lot more than the last one which is a good sign I hope.

So what have I learned?

1. The conflict and thus the story plays out in the action and reaction of the characters.
2. The conflict happens in the present.
3. Internal conflict need not be based on tragedy.
4. Internal conflict can be simple.
5. That action is not talking. Talking is talking.
6. That rewriting one's synopsis completely six times can be a good thing.
7. That one can have too many dinners in one's synopsis.
8. That chocolate is a vital ingredient to synopsis writing.
9. That banging one's head on the table after version 4 hurts.
10. That you still feel sick when you press send no matter how many times you have subbed.

Right, so now all I need to do is write the thing! And thanks to Janette, I have a title: The Art of Attraction. Not a millionaire or a defiant mistress in sight.

Now, on with the NTAI.

The Rebound Submission

Yes, that's exactly what my rejected sub was. I had the rejection on the revised full and then, so desperate to submit again was I, that I quickly fiddled with a new story and sent it away without thinking it through properly. Or rather, I over-thought it. I was trying so hard to get it right that in the end I got nothing right, even the stuff I normally do well.

So it's back to the drawing board. Somehow I've now managed to overboard with internal conflict and have to bring it back to the middle ground. Hard? You betcha. But I have been slowly learning even more. Especially about the dangers of too much sex in Modern Heat! Is that even possible? Oh yeah! I tried to do a one night stand story but even as I was writing it, I found myself inventing ways to get my heroine to go through with it. And that should have been my first indication that all was not right in the world of my characters. Again I was trying to make my heroine do something she actually wouldn't by adding all this stuff to make her to do it! Argh! In the end it wasn't convincing and to add insult to injury, the driving force behind the one night stand was only sexual tension. There was not enough conflict! Apparently the sex arises from the emotional conflict, NOT the other way round!

So many things to keep in mind. But this time I am going to make sure I get it right. I am not going to panic-sub. I am going to spend time really thinking through my new synopsis. And hey, I'm already doing better with that on the sex front - so busy working out the emotional conflict between my h&h, that I forgot to put in a love scene!

The Hook - Vital Plot Element or Unnecessary Complication?

Okay, you'll all be pleased to know that I'm done with the crows (until I hear from the eds I guess but NTAI!). My poor climber has been left to languish at a crucial moment so I should probably get back to him and give him his HEA. However, my sticking point is my plot. I have a fake engagement hook in the middle of it and though it stems from actions the characters themselves take, I'm wondering if it's a tad unbelievable. It's purpose is mainly to force the h&h together and maybe to deepen his conflict a bit but I'm still doubtful about it. Do they really need something to force them together? Can't they just be together because they're having a hot affair? I'm at 44k already and the black moment isn't coming for a wee while yet, so maybe my fake engagement is just an unnecessary complication...

The other thing I'm having doubts about is my timeline. Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else think that two weeks is an awfully short time to fall in love? Or is it just the nature of the genre and two weeks is fine and I'm being overly picky?
I don't know. Until I get over these stumbling blocks, I'm not sure I can finish the WIP. Might just wait until I hear back about whether the story is a goer or not.

Anyway, in the meantime, I have gone back to rewriting my Feel the Heat entry. It's so much better now I've got the conflict sorted! Since the editorial assistant asked me about it, I think I might submit that one next should the other one not succeed.

Ah conflict, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways....

Submission Doubt

I've put up my scarecrow again because I've got submission doubt and need something to scare away the crows.
These are particularly ornery ones I have to say. It wasn't so bad the first time around because I was just so pleased to have had a full request. And true, the first lot of revisions were pretty intense but then, woohoo, I'd made it to the full-with-revisions stage and that was a great achievement.

But now I'm starting over and I'm wondering if I can do it again. Published authors must get this when it's time to submit that second book and you have to prove that the first one was more than a fluke. Obviously I'm not at that stage yet but the full-with-revisions is a pretty high benchmark to have to repeat. What if I can't? What if they don't like the story? I think it's better than my rejected manuscript - I've learned so much since then - but what if I've missed something vital?

Well, as Michelle S told me, the only thing I can control is the writing. I have to trust that it's a good story and hope that they'll want to see the rest of it. So I shall, which is why I'm continuing with writing the rest of it. And if it isn't then ONE of my stories will get there. I'm damn well going to make certain of it.

I'd just like to say a big thanks at this point to all the lovely people who visit my sorry blog, and to all the other lovely people on the eHarlequin and Mills and Boon forums who have wished me luck. You guys are the best. Determination gets you a long way in this business but it certainly helps having other people being determined with you. So, thanks.

Anyway, I have had confirmation that my partial was received so it's on with the waiting. And the NTAI. :-)

PS. Did you know that the guidelines for Mills and Boon have been updated? Here they are here.

Sent

I've done it. Sent in my new sub last night. Was going to ship it around a few more people to read but, well, simply couldn't face fiddling with it any more and thought I'd just send it and forget it (sorry guys!).

Haven't heard whether Anna received it or not. I hope she lets me know since the last time I did this, she didn't actually get it! Oh well, will follow up on Friday if I don't hear.

So now it's time to NTAI and rewrite the rest of the manuscript!

Moving On - The Next Sub

I'm posting quick smart because I don't want my rejection post to be the first thing people see on my blog. It's been a hell of a process but it's done now and I'm moving on. And what better news to move on with than an email from Anna. After telling her that I had four manuscripts ready(ish), she told me to send her partials of the two I thought were strongest. Two!! Yay.

So now all I have to do is choose the two strongest. Not so yay because which one do I go for? One of them the conflict is still niggling at me so probably not that. It's another classic case of me having a set-up without really thinking through the internal conflict. However, the other three are all potentials. They are all very simple stories in that that there is no immediate, gimmicky set-up. The emphasis is entirely on the internal conflict. I've also steered clear of the stereotype trap I fell into with the previous stories in that they're fully rounded characters and not just a bunch of character quirks. At least, I hope I have.

But you know, it's funny. I was running through one of the stories with my husband last night and he said 'wow, you really problems with your heroines don't you?'. And I thought no I don't! Surely not. But he's right. My heroes conflicts are all clear cut, I find them simple to write. But my heroines always seem to take me ages to figure out. I wondered if it was because men just aren't that complicated - at least, that's what I told my husband - but actually, I think it's because my heroes are more important to me. I love writing them. And my heroines tend to suffer because they're just a foil for my amazing guy. Which was why my manuscript was rejected. The second half of the book was great, Anna told me, because it was all about my hero. The first half was about my heroine and just didn't work.

So, the next submission will have to concentrate on getting my heroine right. Argh! Choices, choices... :-)