Three Little Problems

Yep, have sent a chapter and synopsis to the ed. No, not the NV entry as yet. This is my soldier story (though I'm thinking of losing the soldier part since it only adds to his character and doesn't directly relate to the story). I feel paranoid and sick about it naturally. The previous two ideas haven't gone down well so I have no idea whether this will fare any better. I have tried really hard to take what the ed's been saying to me on board so whether I've managed it will be anyone's guess.

You see, here are my problems:

1. I have been writing romances since I was 12. Now these were only for myself, not for publication. So I have had over 20 years of writing stories where I could do whatever the hell I wanted and that seemed to mostly be concerned with piling as much angst as I could into it. Hey, I didn't have to please anyone but myself so why not? Flashforward 28 years and I'm still trying to stop myself from piling on the angst. Fear of failure? Sure. Why not add fear of being vulnerable too? Oh yes, and also fear of not being wanted, hating to be protected and stick an unplanned pregnancy in there too. Enough conflict for ya?

2. I HATE being hit over the head with the obvious as a reader. QED, as a writer I am not obvious enough. This combined with a fear of my characters being too self aware, means sometimes the conflict isn't obvious in the first chapter. And neither is their motivation.

3. I came late to reading romance. I only started reading a lot of it 3 years ago. Up till then, the only romance I read was an M&B binge every 6 months or so. I've been trying to catch up on the genre but up until 3 years ago, I didn't even know a romance had to have an HEA, let alone heroic, aspirational, sympathetic characters.

So these three little problems of mine have all conspired against me. Not only do I over complicate my conflicts so it's not clear, I am also not obvious about them so readers (and editors!) don't know what motivates them. Ergo this makes them unsympathetic because if you don't know what motivates them, you can't relate to them. Add to that a tendency to want to break the 'romance' mould with my characters because I want to do something different (and not knowing what's 'acceptable' and what's not), and you have a recipe for disaster. And rejection.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it's taking me a VERY long time to both be aware of these problems and to overcome them. My latest sub I have tried hard to stick to one conflict for both my characters, made sure it's clear and have tried to follow it to its conclusion in the synop. I have also tried to make it more obvious in the first chapter. The thing I'm most worried about is my heroine. I've - again! - tried to make her different. I hope I haven't overstepped the mark. She's spiky and prickly, and kind of rude. There is a reason for this and I'd really like to think I got it across in that first chapter but...

Who knows? Only time will tell I guess. Anyway, it's back to NTAI for me! Where's everyone else at?

The Importance of Being Earnest (and Honest)

Sometimes this blog is a difficult thing. When I started it, I thought I'd just do random posts about how the writing was going and also - because I spent 10 years as a librarian and I'm firmly of the belief that knowledge is power - I wanted to share what I'd learned from the editor. From the blogs I'd already seen, not many people shared the info they got on their rejection letters so I thought I would, since the information in them was so helpful. I didn't quote the letters direct since I'm not in the business of quoting others without their permission, but I did post the gist of it.

At first this was easy. When I started submitting, I knew I would make mistakes and get rejected, and I had no problem admitting my mistakes and sharing them with people so that others might find it useful. Of course, that was then. Sharing the rejection on my revised full was pretty hard. And sharing the rejections subsequent to that has been harder still. Mainly because with all this editorial support, aren't I supposed to be getting better? Am I not learning anything?

Anyway, this is just to say that it's a very public journey I've chosen to take. And yes, it's my choice. And you should know that sometimes I hate posting my failures or mistakes up here. But I do because that's how I started and that's how I should continue. I have learned a lot and I know I still have a lot to learn, and I'm still a librarian inside, I still want to share my knowledge with those who might find it useful.

But the other thing is that I also share about how I feel about my mistakes and rejections. I know some people don't like this. It's uncomfortable. Hey, it's uncomfortable for me too. But I do it because I want people to know it's normal to feel angry, to feel sad, to feel disappointed when you get rejected or when you don't place in a contest. It's normal to cry. It's normal to want to give up. It's normal to feel jealous of those who have made it. It's normal to yell 'it's not fair'.
I have felt all of those things and probably will continue to do so. But you're allowed to feel that way, don't let anyone tell you can't. If you care about something, then you will feel crap when it doesn't happen.

I have had some lovely emails lately from people, telling me how much they appreciate my honesty on this blog. So I thought I should say that I shall continue as I have started, posting my failures and mistakes. And I'll continue to whine when I feel I'm not getting anywhere. And no doubt, I'll continue to say 'I give up' at least once a month. And if you find this uncomfortable, that's okay. You don't have to read. I'm doing it for those who feel they can't say it publically, or don't want to share, who think they're alone when they get that rejection and they feel like someone's cut out their heart with a spoon. Well, you're not alone. We ALL feel that way, no matter how many people pretend otherwise.

The truth? This blog, the people who read it, the commenters and the lurkers, and my CPs are the reason I'm still here. Yes, last week I wanted to give up. I was angry. I was disappointed. I felt ignored and I indulged myself with all those feelings. But I thought of all the people who have followed me on this journey and who are on their own roads, and I know I can't give up. I've got to keep going. So, having indulged my feelings thoroughly because that's how I deal with it, I'm putting them aside and getting on with it.

This may sound like a wah-wah, whatever post for all the battle hardened submitters and authors who have been doing this for years. Fair enough. Maybe after another few years I'll have developed the same attitude and got my hard shell. But until then, this post is really for the people who haven't been at this long and are struggling.

I pledge to you that I will continue to be honest with how I'm getting on. This will be hard for me but I'll do it. I won't criticise people or organisations, this is all about me, the drama queen writer. It's a hard, hard journey but I am not a hard person and sometimes, it's okay to admit that.

Sale Congratulations

Just interrupting the pity party to offer congrats to:

Amy Strnad for her sale to MH!! Yay, go Amy! She will now have to get herself a blog so we can all go comment. Hint, hint... :-)

Wendy Marcus for her sale to Medicals!! Go Wendy!

Well done ladies.

The whine will continue anon.

Dark Night of the Soul

Hey everyone, back again from holiday. But unfortunately coming back to a bit of a downer so excuse the ranty post. Heard from the ed while I was away and although it was a very nice, long email, it was full of all the things I'm doing wrong and not much about what I'm doing right. And actually, not sure there's anything I'm doing right at the moment. My major problem seems to be characters that aren't instantly understandable and relateable, and thus are unsympathetic. Big yays for me.

I seem to like characters that act too much like real people, with all their sad, stupid flaws, rather than aspirational characters that are flawed but ultimately act in more sympathetic ways than real people ever do. This is not bad, by the way, simply one of the requirements of the genre. Because, really, when you read romance, you do not want to read about everyday people being dumb. You want to read about fundatmentally good people who come to see the error of their ways and do the right thing in the end. Not that my characters don't do that, it's just they're not as instantly understandable as the category requires.

So, here I am, working on my synopsis for my next sub, wondering if I've made my characters too complicated again, whether they're instantly understandable, whether they're acting in extreme ways, is there too much sexual tension, is there not enough, is this even worth submitting because it's obviously a huge load of crap... Should I give up this stupid writing thing and take up macrame instead.

Sigh. I should add that in fact, there was one thing I'm okay at and that seems to be emotional scenes. Though since they don't tend to come along until a bit later in the story and as I've had two partials rejected, I haven't even had a chance to show those off of late either.

So there you have it. Welcome home, Jackie.

And no, there was no mention of my NV entry. Everyone else seemed to like it so I'm not sure what the problem with it was. No doubt something I haven't even scratched the surface of yet, that will lead to undiscovered new territories of rejection potential...

It's Not Over Yet

Thanks to the lovely Jo Dixon, I see that there are more chances to get a critique of your New Voices chapter. To enter the draw go here.

Also it looks as if the eds will be posting the names of authors they want to see more from in the next week. I'm hopeful IT Girl will be asked for though I haven't heard anything from the editor I'm working with so far. I do have another alternative to submit and - while I've been away - I've had another idea for a new story. Hehe.

Decided I'm also going to try something a bit different. My Frenchman, which was initially Modern Heat, I'm going to rewrite for Modern. It was always more Modern than MH anyway but think it might be good discipline to try a different line. I know, it's not that different but hey, baby steps.

So, what's everyone going to do with their NV chapters then?

Best Use of Neil Diamond In An Opening Chapter

Firstly, thanks all for your fantastic support of my New Voices chapter. The response to it has been unbelievably amazing and I'm so happy that so many people seemed to like it. Truly, I had no idea it would be so popular or that it would stay being so popular throughout the competition. That has been the best thing about this competition - having that wonderful reader feeback.

But, of course, I did not final. And can I tell you now that I am NOT surprised in the slightest. I am not a new voice for them. I've already been a runner-up in one contest and I have been working with an editor for a while now so in many ways, I already have the prize (and the iPad!). So why did they encourage me to enter? Probably so they could see what readers thought of my voice. And the response has been yes, people like my voice so - as the wonderful Dr Jax told me - why would they choose me as a finalist? Better to give that place to someone totally new since they already have me. :-)

All that is supposition though. I am disappointed, yep, no denying it. But I do hope that I get some editorial response to It Girl. Because I do have story behind that first chapter, with actual, honest to God conflict and everything. Will keep you posted anyway. :-)

Big congrats to the finalists, especially Leah whom I met at RWAus. Great going girl! Hope it leads to big things for you.

As for me, I am awarding myself the prize for Best Use of Neil Diamond in an Opening Chapter. Because man, I earned it! :-)

Sexy Octopus

Yes, you heard. I said sexy octopus. Right now Hoo is over on the Sisters' site being Peek of the Week. So go say hello - if you can stop drooling over his knitted blue hotness long enough. ;-)

BTW, re New Voices, can I just send out a huge woohoo to the wonderful Lacey Devlin who has been a fabulous cheerleader for all NV entrants. She's got the Wall of Fame, the badges, the cheese. People, that lady's got everything. So big round of applause for her!
Oh and you can go check out her rocking chapter because I'm not sure that lovely lady is going to put herself on her own wall (though she should 'cause she rocks!).
Misbehaving with the Retail Magnate.

Three cheers for Lacey!

Stuck

Stuck in the mire of self doubt at the moment. Working on polishing up my next sub but am doubting basically everything about it. At least the thing I'm pretty sure I've got right is the emotional connection between my characters - at least, I think I have. Famous last words huh? And if that's not bad enough, I now have to write the suckopsis and that is filling me with gloom. The ed takes my synopses very seriously so it has to be right. Another reason to stress.

I think my process is not helping me sadly. I am a pantser. Yes, I do have a vague idea about plot and characters but often the characters don't settle for me until I'm halfway through the ms. Sometimes I'll write a quick and dirty draft, realise it's utter pants while I'm editing it and then figure out a better way for the plot to go. Sometimes this takes me through several drafts before I get it right. The problem with this of course is that if I am editing a ms I've already subbed the partial of, I can't go back and change those first three chapters, which is often the part of the ms that changes the most. This happened with the last sub. In the process of editing the story, I realised what was missing from those first three chapters and hoped I'd be asked for the rest so I could go back and change it to match the rest of the story. Sadly not.

Clearly, with a process like mine, I need to finish and edit the ms completely before I send a partial. Which makes it difficult because if you're asked to revise, revisions are much more easily incorporated into a draft than a finished, polished ms. Plus there's the whole worry about expending a lot of effort on an idea that won't work at all for the editor.

Of course, the ideal for me - since I find that I can't treat a partial in isolation from the rest of the ms - would be just to sub the full straight off. Cue hollow laughter. Yeah like that will happen. :-)

Anyway, how about the NV competition? So many great entries! Going to press ahead with IT Girl at least. It would be fabulous if she got through to the next round but if not, I'll sub her anyway. But first I have to write the whole thing so I can get to know her better. :-)

Extra Special Treat for Lovers of Modern Heat

Very excited to say that Natalie Anderson, Modern Heat writer extraordinaire and USA Today bestselling author, is guesting on the Sister's site, like, RIGHT NOW!

So if you want to hear about her favourite hero, her upcoming release, plus some hot writing tips, trot along to the Sisters site. And if that isn't enough to get you there, she's also going to be doing a giveaway for one lucky punter.

Go Natalie!

Putting the E Back Into S*x

Okay, so, I've got over my rejection. Actually I'm well over it. Much more so than the previous one. Odd considering how much time and effort I put into this story. And maybe that's part of it. I've learned SO much just in the writing of it that I didn't feel any of that effort was wasted. Certainly if I hadn't put my all into getting that submission right, I would not have been able to write IT Girl.

Bottom line though is that I didn't get it right. And I know why. To be honest, I suspected that I might not have pulled it off about a month after I'd sent it. Such a horrible feeling. But I really hoped I'd be given the opportunity to correct it...Sadly not. Oh well. I still think the story holds up and I do plan to rewrite it at some stage. You will not have seen the last of it!

Anyway, at least I now know the problem with one night stand stories. How to get that balance between sex and emotion. The partial was rejected because there was no emotional connection between the two characters, which made their romance unbelievable. This approach is okay for something like Blaze, but not so for MH (or any of the M&B lines probably). There HAS to be an emotional connection between the characters first. My thought was 'but if these two felt an emotional connection, they'd run a mile. And they weren't looking for one anyway'.
That is true. But here's the thing - only the reader needs to get a hint of it. The characters themselves don't need to know. Subconsciously they might feel 'something' is different about this person they've met, something that is totally unlike anything they've ever experienced but do you think they will admit it to themselves? No way. They'll explain away the feeling by saying to themselves 'it's just physical' or 'it's just that he's unbelievably arrogant' or that 'I don't like people who don't do what I want' or some other excuse to explain this weird intensity.
But the reader - who likes to know things the characters don't - will be going 'aha!'
And there you have that vital emotion. And that's what was missing from my partial.

Interestingly, none of the other mss I've got suffer from that so at least I don't have to go back and rewrite all of them!

Actually, now I think about it, that's why this R doesn't suck too badly. Because I know what the problem was and I can see it what I wrote. Which means I can fix it for next time.

And speaking of next time, yes, I have my next sub ready to go. Will get the eds thoughts on the premise first and if she's interested, it's gone!

Onwards and upwards, my friends. Gotta keep climbing that mountain. :-)

From High to Low

Lucky me, I got an R for the Never Ending Story this morning. And I'm really annoyed about it. I've worked for 11 months on that story with the editor. Got the synopsis reworked, the character bios, the partial rewritten twice, and to not even get a request for a full is just so disheartening. Makes me question whether I know what I'm doing at all. Whether what they want from me is impossible to do.

The response was lovely, don't get me wrong. Very encouraging. But the reason for the R was because it was too much about the sex. At least the partial was. Now, I can see what the ed means and while I was editing the story, I thought I would have to go back and layer in some more emotional stuff. But lowering the emphasis on the sex is easy, it's the conflict that matters. At least I thought that was the most important part. And it wasn't the conflict it was rejected for.

Problem is, in this story my characters don't want an emotional connection and will fight it. So for them, sex IS all it's about initially. In fact, they're determined to think it's just physical for as long as possible. Perhaps it's that approach that makes it not suitable. Then again, I've read lots of other one night stand stories in MH where it's all about the physical initially, and it seems to work for others.

Sigh. Anyway, the ed told me to put it aside for a while and come back to it later so I guess it's not a complete waste of time. But I am going to email her and ask her for clarification on the issue.

Right at the moment though, I feel as if I have to write an absolutely perfect, no revisions necessary kind of partial to even warrant being asked for more. Which is beyond irritating when the last requested full had no conflict, lots of stereotypes, pacing issues and all sorts of other problems that this one didn't have.

Okay, so thanks for letting me vent. Funnily enough I'm not as gutted as I thought I'd be. I'm just frustrated as to what it is they want from me. Oh well, good thing I have sub number eight waiting to go. :-)

Thank You Lovely Blog Friends

Today I am sending out HUGE thank yous to all of you who read my chapter in the New Voices comp. I know, there's still two weeks to go till we hear about the finalists but honestly, I'm so grateful that I almost don't care if I place or not (almost!). ;-)

To say I'm thrilled with how many people like it would be a massive understatement. Really, it doesn't get any better than having a whole bunch of people say 'yeah, we like what you've written'. Having had polarising comments in other competitions, I truly didn't expect so many people to enjoy it. I feel a bit like like Sally Field - 'You like me! You really like me!' :-)

I also wanted to say big kudos to all my fellow entrants. It's harsh out there and putting your work on the public stage for everyone to comment on is never easy. But if you've hit that submit button, shout it out with pride. Or if you're not the shouty kind of person, be quietly pleased with yourself. It takes guts to put yourself out there.

This year has been horribly frustrating for my writing. I've felt like I've been standing still and not going anywhere for a large proportion of it. And I have to say, if not for my lovely CPs and blog friends, I would have given this whole thing away. Truly, without your support, I probably wouldn't have written that chapter. So I've instructed Hoo to whip up a bunch of chocolate martinis to show my appreciation (there are a couple of virgin ones in there for those of you who prefer your chocolate unadulterated. Please help yourselves, you deserve it. :-)

Feeling Sick

You know that person who handles stress well? Who is always calm in a crisis? The one who everyone turns to when the pressure is on? I am not that person. I am the person running around like a decapitated chicken trying to squawk through its neck. Or the one quietly throwing up in the corner.
As you may have guessed, I have accidentally pushed the 'submit' button on my chapter. I swear I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. So now IT girl is out there all by herself. Luckily she has her hero to keep her company though, hehe.

I'm not much of a 'everyone go and read my wonderful chapter, and vote, rah, rah!' type of person and I didn't want to even do an announcement that I'd entered but I suppose I kind of have to now since silence on it is pointless, not to mention telling. So by all means, if you like a contemporary, Modern Heat type of story then go and read, you may like it (though it's not up on the site yet as of 12pm NZ time). In a vague attempt at anonymity (and because I don't want to jinx my prospective pen name) I haven't subbed under Jackie Ashenden. Yeah, I'm probably the only person to sub their entry under their own name because they want to protect their pen name. Duh!

Right, so I'm now feeling sick as to what people will think, just like everyone else who entered. It required a bit of fiddling and I hope I pulled it off. It won't be to everyone's tastes but that's something I can do nothing about. I also had some formatting issues that would have made it easier to read but the site wouldn't let me use another font. Hope the stop-gap I used works! Anyway, I know it's not perfect and I'm not going to read it EVER again because if I do, I'll spot a million things wrong with it. But that's the way of writing huh?

Wow, Jackie, excuses much?? I will say that I really enjoyed writing it and as a writer, that's the best you can get (apart from a sale of course!).

This morning I told my daughter what I was doing and then, in my overly dramatic way, I said, "Everyone will probably leave comments telling me how much it stank!"
"No mummy," says my daughter, "everyone will probably leave comments telling you how much it stinks."

Moral of the story? Never fish for compliments from a nine year old no matter how desperate you are. :-)

So c'mon, anyone else enter?

PS: The chapter is called Talking Dirty with the CEO. I am a title dunce so don't hold that against it. :-)

New Voices!

I have a short post over on the Sister's blog about the New Voices competition. Think I actually may have talked myself out of it! Anyway, there's cyber drinks for all those entering and hand holding if required. Hoo is buying the drinks and offering tentacles if you need something to squeeze while you hit that send button.

Meanwhile, I'll just sit here and contemplate my chapter a while longer....sure is looking shiny....

I Swear....

Was really hoping I'd at least get some sort of verdict before the NV competition starts but, well, whaddya know, still no verdict. I have to say I've kind of given up on this story. It's dragged on so long that I've already said goodbye to it in my mind. Oh, I'll be gutted if I get another rejection on a partial (though personally, if I do, I'll be really annoyed because I think the synopsis is the best I've ever done and there is a story worth looking at there) but maybe it will be for the best. I worked really hard on this, perhaps too hard. After so many rewrites and rejigs, perhaps the freshness is gone and it's better to let it go.

On the up side, I have decided to give myself some goals with all the unfinished stories, with the aim of finishing them so I can try my hand at something a bit different. So, lovely blog friends, I hereby solemnly swear, upon my honour, to God and the Queen, that I will finish my soldier story by the end of September. I will also endeavour to have a polished partial and synopsis of IT Girl, just in case I get a request from the NV competition. Because yes, I am throwing caution to the winds and will be entering. If nothing else, it'll at least feel like I'm doing something positive instead of just waiting around.

Okay, so those are my goals for this month and by putting them on the blog, I must achieve them or - sob - lose face. ;-)

What goals do other people have for the new month? Other than world domination and/or selling your first book for millions?

Bad Habits

September already and, hey, whaddya know, I STILL have had no word on my sub. First subbed the synopsis of this story in October last year so if I don't hear this month, it will mean a year's wait for a verdict on a partial. So all those of you who guessed dates for the Very Soon Sweepstake are all out except Susan - who guessed September the 12th. I suppose my update nearly two weeks ago was kind of a response but I think I'll hold out for a final answer. Whenever that will be.

So what else am I doing? Falling into bad habits actually. I'm a serial starter - fall in love with a new story, write like crazy, get to chapter 4/5 and then, when the going gets tough, I stop. It's weird. I know what the conflict is, I know how it should be resolved, I know what the characters need to learn and I know how they're going to change, so what's stopping me? It's the how all of the above happens, I think. They have that lovely first meeting, that first attraction, the acting (or not) on the attraction and the consequences of that, and then I sigh and stop and think 'so what do they do now?'. Either one of the characters has to do something in order to drive the story along. Something that is based on their conflict, that isn't external, and it's always this action that stumps me. Or at least, I have to go for a long walk or have a long shower to think about where to go from there. I tend to get overwhelmed by craft at this point, worrying about how I'm going to make it worse for him, and then how that will make him change, or what that teaches him about the heroine, etc, etc.

Which is why at this point the lure of the new story calls. I have five books all in various stages of 'done-ness' and I have not finished any of them. Definitely falling into bad habits again. Need to find some discipline from somewhere and finish at least one of them. There is probably the element of the VoD in here, telling me that they're all crap and none of them are worth working on. Stupid VoD.

Alright, so what do you guys reckon? Here are your choices: the soldier's story, the eco-warrior story (conflict STILL not sorted), my computer developer (actually she might be on hold), my geologist/reunion story, and lastly my new story which I'll call IT girl. My soldier is closest to being done with 27k on the clock. Any suggestions?

Extra special PS:
Maisey's second book, A Mistake, A Prince and a Pregnancy is out today! Big woots! Go read it, it's fab!

Angry Birds

Okay so no, haven't had any news since that email from the ed last week. And am feeling frustrated today. The progress of this story feels somewhat akin to Chinese Water Torture and I'm wondering whether in April, when they told me the story needed to be rewritten, I should have just accepted the story wasn't right and subbed something fresh. But no, I had to go and prove that I could rewrite if they wanted me to. Just to show them I could. And what did I do? I wrote a good first chapter - yeah, they liked it - but somehow, in chapters 2 and 3 I broke it. I really, really thought that whatever failings there might be with the partial, at least it would warrant a request for the rest of it. But not even that is forthcoming.

Eight months on since I first subbed the synopsis to this story and I really wish I hadn't bothered rewriting it. But because I did, I've just prolonged the agony by another four months. The VoD is, of course, telling me it's an R. The VoD is telling me I can't rewrite, and not only can I not write a story they'll want to buy, I'll NEVER write a story they'll want to buy.

Honestly, today is a 'why on earth am I bothering with this sh*t?' kind of day.

Anyway, why the Angry Birds? Okay, well, this morning as I checked the email on the iPad and realised that there was no email from the ed (again), in my frustration and in a desperate bid to NTAI, I started up a little app called Angry Birds. It's a game where you have to fire a little bird from a catapult at an edifice that protects a little pig. Your aim is to crumble the edifice and pop the pig. It's horribly addictive and quite ridiculous. Sometimes the edifices are complicated and it takes forever to pop all the pigs and complete the level. Very frustrating. You see where I'm going with this? Yes, this stupid publishing journey of mine is a lot like playing Angry Birds. No matter how complicated the edifice you have to collapse, no matter if you've popped all the pigs but one, no matter how close you are, you still fail the level. And so you have to try again if you want to complete the game.

So here I am, still trying to complete the game. And I'm going to pop all those pigs if it's the last thing I do.

The Terrified Optimist

I always thought I was a glass half empty kind of person. But just over the past couple of days, I've realised that in fact, I'm not. I'm not even a glass half full kind of person. I'm actually a glass overflowing with the sparkling Waters of Immortality kind of person. I am, deep down, an over the top, complete and utter instinctive optimist. Except the problem with my optimism is that I'm terrified of it. Why?

Because I've always been a person who has very high expectations and the problem with high expectations is that you are inevitably destined for disappointment. And I've had a lot of disappointments. So to help cope with my over the top optimism, I have developed the Voice of Doom (hmmm, could be a good conflict here. I could put this in a story. Can't switch the writer off eh?). So when I send off a sub, the over the top, incurable optimist inside me is going 'what if they like this so much, they ring me tomorrow and offer to buy it??'. But this is bad because this will never happen, so up pops the Voice of Doom with, 'Idiot. Don't even think that. You'll be lucky if they don't reject it.'. And experience has backed up the Voice of Doom so I listen to it. I'm afraid of thinking good things about my submissions in case I'll be disappointed. Because if you expect the worst, then when it comes it won't hurt, right?

Which is why, when my CPs happen to tell me my latest chapter is great or that my idea for a new story is good, I go 'Thanks. I kind of like it. But I don't know whether the eds will like it or not'. That's the Voice of Doom talking down my OTT optimist who is bouncing around going, 'Yeah! I love it too! It's instant sale time!'. The VoD also fits in quite nicely with the Kiwi way of talking ourselves down all the time, so really, I can't win. The VoD wins every time.

Anyway, long way of saying the VoD was not helpful on Friday night when I received an email update from the ed about my partial. It wasn't a bad email but it wasn't a good email either. It was a 'something's not quite working with your partial and I'm getting a second opinion' email. The VoD immediately told me it was a rejection because the last time a second opinion was had, it was a rejection. And this time the OTT optimist is in the corner, lip wobbling, going 'what? How can something so brilliant not be working?'

Yeah, well, I don't know either. I thought I had done better than that but clearly not. Of course, since I subbed the partial, I've realised that there are pacing issues that need to be addressed and probably a bit more layering in needs to be done, but surely it's not that bad that it's another rejection? Does it have to be absolutely perfect and revision free in order to get a request for a full? And what about the synopsis? The last time I was asked for the full, I had a crap synopsis and a story with no internal conflict so does this mean my current sub is worse than that? Why is the ed being so hard on me?? Wahhh!!

*small violin plays tragic music*

You can hear the VoD assuming it's an R can't you? Fact is, it's an update, nothing more. It could mean an eventual R or it may be revisions. I won't know until I hear back. But I know I shouldn't compare this ms with ones that I've subbed before, or what happens with other people, but human nature being what it is, I do. And I wonder if I've really got what it takes after all.

I should probably stop before the VoD takes over completely but you should know that the OTT optimist hasn't been squashed utterly. As I went to the conference on Saturday morning wondering what on earth I was doing there since I clearly didn't have what it takes to be a proper author, a little voice inside of me was going 'oh well, better polish up Three Days in case it's an R. That has got to be the one'.

PS: in terms of the Very Soon Sweepstake, does this mean I've 'heard'? Or should it be in the final decision, whatever that may be?

Remembering the Affair to Remember - NZ Conference

Back from my conference marathon - the NZ conference has just finished and I'm now, officially, shattered. Think this conference was harder mainly due to the fact that I was the Registrar and was running around stressing that I had everything right. Was not helped by the fact that my useless spreadsheet skills had mucked up some of the pitch times... Argh!! Anyway, highlights...

Jane Porter gave a workshop on using your own experiences in your writing and also spoke on the importance of emotion in your stories. Weren't we lucky?? She is one fabulous woman, not to mention incredibly honest about her own life. I don't know if I'd be comfortable talking about my divorce with a bunch of strangers but she made everyone choke up when she did. I overcame my shyness to say hello (oh, okay, Maisey made me) but not enough to get her to hold Hoo while I took a photo. :-)

Another big highlight was the wonderful Natalie Anderson's workshop on writing great love scenes. Now, I like writing love scenes, I've been told I do them moderately well, and I thought I probably didn't need to learn anything about them. Oh the arrogance! Natalie gives great workshop and boy did I learn some things that although I kind of knew intellectually already, I suddenly 'got' in a way I hadn't before! Does that make sense? There was a particular piece of advice that clicked for me and that was about trying to think of one word that sums up the whole love scene. I over complicate things terribly so thinking of one word made it suddenly seem a whole lot simpler. And that word is the emotional underpinning for the scene itself. Your characters don't just involve their bodies in the scene, it's thinking of how they feel during it. It's not just about desire. Are they scared? Are they anxious? Are they relieved? And if so, how does this affect the way they make love? I've been struggling with my current WIP, wanting the love scene to go in a certain way and it's been difficult because I suddenly realised during Natalie's workshop that I'm forcing them to make love in a way they wouldn't because emotionally they're not ready for it. Woohoo! Of course, it means more rewriting but that's fine. Hehe.

What else? I met the very generous and lovely Rachel Bailey who gave me lots of fabulous encouragement and advice - can't wait to read her book! I also pitched to Dianne Moggy who told me to enter the story into the New Voices comp and was very encouraging about working with an editor.

There was heaps more but my brain has reached overload point and I probably need to go somewhere quiet and have a wee lie down (not to mention unpack my goodie bag!). :-)

More on Sydney

So, did I have any goss from the Aussie conference? Not as far as hot M&B goss goes and believe me, my ears did a lot of flapping. :-) Dianne Moggy, the Harlequin VP, gave a great talk about how well Harlequin was doing and did mention a new line that had a 'broader editorial direction' but there was no further info about that. I wondered if it was Riva she was talking about. Certainly the news I heard about Riva is that no one knows quite which direction it'll head in. Which, like I said in my previous post, is actually quite exciting. As far as I can tell, the same editorial guidelines remain in place but I reckon if you make sure your hero is alpha, your conflict is internal, and your story is character rather than plot driven, that does leave you with a lot to play with.

So what else? Editors were all saying 'we don't know quite what we want but we'll know it when we see it' which is - as always - very helpful! :-) The agents there made a good case for getting one. I wasn't thinking about an agent as Harlequin's contracts are all boilerplate but then again, an agent can help a little with nudging when you've been waiting a while. Very tempting to me at this particular point in time but from what I've heard, getting an agent is even harder than getting published so I don't know.

Went to a great discussion panel with lots of Blaze/Presents/Desire authors who were just a bunch of fabulous ladies. I asked a question about settings for Blaze and whether locations other than North America were acceptable and this seems to be okay, with the proviso that Blaze sells to a primarily North American market so nothing that's way too different. I also asked another question about acceptable language when it came to - ahem - love scenes. Seems to be what one author can get away with, another can't. All up to the editor I think. Best quote about that came from Sarah Mayberry who said that if you're going to use an expensive word then make it count!
Interesting since, in my opinion, MH heroes are supposed to be younger and I don't know about you, but all the young guys I know do not say, 'oh bother' when something isn't going their way. Even damn is waaaay too wussy. ;-)

I did get to speak to some other authors though, who were all without fail very, very lovely. One newly sold author had been writing and submitting for eleven years before she made her first sale this year. Each step on the request/revise process took six months. So I stopped whining pretty quickly. ;-) But her advice? Same advice as Hoo gives out and what I tell myself the times I'm not throwing myself on the ground in a tantrum - never, ever give up.
On that happy note, I leave you with a few more piccies:

Here we are in our finery for the cocktail evening. Becca, Rach and Janette are at the back while Miss Thing (moi) there is lolling at the front.


On the right is the Leah, Janette, Rach looking very glam, and some old biddy who decided to get in on the act. ;-)




And lastly, just in case you were thinking of giving up, here is Hoo. He's got a whip and he's not afraid to use it!

PS: No, no news!

Seednee!

Or Sudnuy (if you're a Kiwi). But, anyway, main thing is, after a fabulous week away in Australia, I'm back! Was hoping to post while I was away but was seriously hampered by the lack of decent wireless. What's up Australia? It's as bad as Kiwi-land and that's saying something. ;-)

Did lots of sightseeing stuff with the family (and that was very cool) but definitely the highlight was the RWAus conference in Sydney. And the best part of that was meeting up with two of my CPs, the wonderful and very talented Rachel Johns and Janette Radevski. Honestly, these are two fabulous women and meeting in real life was just such a wonderful thing. I also got to know some other extremely talented ladies such as Becca Heath and Leah Ashton, plus a whole lot of other wonderful women who write and love category. As you can see from the rather blurry photo of Janette, Rach and myself, many martinis were drunk... ;-)

The conference was also a fabulous opportunity to meet some truly wonderful authors. I got to speak to say hello to Kelly Hunter who is one of my favourite Modern Heats authors. I asked her what she thought about the changes coming up with the new Riva line and she thought it was exciting, a chance to do something really different. Scary, yes, for those of us who have followed the guidelines faithfully but personally I really like the thought of doing something different. It's certainly a challenge - one of the big things that most people at the conference agreed was that writing category was an artform.

And if course Hoo came too - he wouldn't miss it for the world. Here he is at the dinner with Oppo, who is a great friend of Becca's. Hoo and Oppo spent all night talking to each other - couldn't drag them away.

Lastly, because there is more but I'm tired and need to go to bed, I'll leave you with a wee pic of myself in my hastily pulled together cocktail evening costume. I'd heard the Aussies go all out and since Kiwis don't really do the dress-up thing much, I thought I'd better make an effort. So after a dash around Paddy's market, I threw together a look that was supposed to reflect Fantasy Island or your own private fantasy. I don't know quite what I was trying to achieve here - Debbie Harry crossed with Jackie Collins I think - but all were agreed that the wig was a hit. :-)
Anyway, more anon...

Very Soon Sweepstakes Update

The 'Very Soon' sweepstake is nearing the end of its first week and....sorry Janet who picked the 6th. No word for me this morning. :-( So, we'll be entering the second week on Monday so fingers crossed that one of you who picked this coming week will be right.

It's not the best week to be hearing to be honest. I leave for Sydney on Monday and I'm not sure I want to know while I'm on holiday/conference. Especially if I get an R. I kind of like to lick my wounds in private and I can see it putting a huge damper on my holiday. Wahhh, poor me. Dr Jax has promised to vet my email for me just in case and I will be complaining loudly and long to Rach and Janette (be warned guys!) so that helps too.

Anyway, I have no idea what the ed will actually say, but I have come to the conclusion that Modern Heat is one of the harder categories to break into. It's not a clear cut line like some of the others and I suspect, once the line changes to Riva and they see how its selling, the editorial direction may change. Not that I know or anything, just a suspicion. They have said they want 'different'. But what is 'different'? I think the New Voices comp is an indication that they themselves don't really know until they see it. They want public input from readers about people's chapters which I guess means that they want to see what kind of stories resonate with people and which won't. Scary huh?

Well, if there's one thing that I think matters with category as it is now, it's voice. There's not much in the way of originality in plotlines in romance but the way you CAN make it original is the way you write. And of course, including what the eds have recommended like new spins on old conflicts, 21st century issues, etc , etc. The trick is to do all that within the category guidelines. Who said writing category was easy again??

POTW - Angry Young Man

Marlon Brando. At Seven Sassy Sisters. Nuff said.

How Soon Is Now (Including Hot Love Scenes)

Getting a real theme going here with song titles as blog posts. And today's is courtesy of one of my fave late 80s, early 90s bands, The Smiths. Thanks Morrissey. It occurred to me because now is not soon. And 'very soon' is not now. So sadly Lacey, you're out of the running. :-)

But the rest of you are still in there. Better think of a prize!

Alrighty, so, what's happening writing-wise? I'm still writing my soldier story and liking it very much. Though I have to say, the love scene is in its second iteration which is a bit weird for me. Usually I try and get down that first draft as fast as possible because if I fiddle with it too much, I never finish it. So if something's not going right, I skip it and go onto the next scene. But I simply couldn't go any further until I'd got this at least semi-right because it does set the emotional tone for the rest of the book. And, yes, okay, I confess, I really, really like writing love scenes. There's something delicious (not to mention hot) about making your characters vulnerable to each other and seeing how each of them deals with that vulnerability.

And speaking of love scenes, here's something to make you jealous. I'm lucky enough to be going to a session at the RWNZ Conference,taken by the fabulously talented Natalie Anderson with tips on writing hot. Now if you've ever read any of Natalie's Modern Heat, then you'll understand why this woman knows what she's talking about. She can write hot like damn and woah. Can't wait to try out some tips on my characters! Hehe.

Anyway, the thing about love scenes is that they are relative. One woman's phwoar is another's ewww. I know this is a terribly personal question but what do you like in a love scene? No, not the details, but in general. Does lots of talking turn you off? Or do you prefer joking around? Do you even like reading them or skip them entirely? Me, I like lots and lots of sexual tension initially, then a really hot scene - not too short please! Oh and it must be sensual. Can't get into it at all if all five senses are not being utilised... ;-)

Bad Romance

I know it's a Lady Gaga song but hey, it's just crying out to be used as a blog post title too. ;-) And hey, my writing is all crap at the moment so it's a fitting title. Anyway, I've been slack on the blog front. Mainly due to the massive plunge into 'why do I bother' territory. Been 11 weeks now since I sent off my two chapters. Not very long really (you really know you're a writer when 11 weeks becomes 'not very long'). I kind of hoped I'd hear sooner because two chapters isn't even a full partial but....well....not as the case may be. Still, I did email her to ask about the New Voices comp and whether I should enter and she did reply. Apparently the experience should be fun and I should give it a go. I don't know if will yet. Depends on how much of a masochist I am and considering my feelings about writing at the moment, I'm thinking not. But, well, you know me, up and down ALL the time so by September I may be feeling entirely differently.

Oh and the ed told I would be hearing 'very soon' about my sub.

Anyone want to take a bet on how long 'very soon' is?

In fact, I think I might run a wee sweepstake to help with the NTAI. Post how long you think 'very soon' is and the person who guesses the closest to when I hear back will win a prize. Don't know what that prize may be - probably a book or something. Oh and depending on how long 'very soon' is, you may be waiting a while to hear who wins...;-)

Note: Yes, I'm complaining. Yes, I know I should be patient. But a little vent now and then doesn't hurt. I'm even feeling better now for having done this blog post.

Demotivation

Not much happening here. Again. I'm extraordinarily demotivated today, hence the demotivator above.

Still, I started a new story - bad me - 'cause I was thinking about the New Voices competition but the ed told me not to enter the last one so I'm wondering whether it's the same deal this time round. Then again, apart from the Feel the Heat comp, I haven't had much luck with any other competitions I've entered so I'm wondering if I really need something else to depress myself with. Probably not.

On the other hand there is the brand new iPad. And can I tell you it's the perfect NTAI device. As long as you don't put it down. But that's okay cause after buying the Plants vs Zombies game, I actually haven't put it down. Or even thought about waiting. Until I realised I had to do a blog post of course. Sigh.

Been trying to be good and think of other things. Like the Aussie conference in two weeks which I will be going to for the first time. Yay! Get to meet my great non-Sister CPs and buddies Rach and Janette!! Woohoo. And then there will be the RWNZ conference that week after that which will be heaps of fun too.

And that's about the size of it. Who else is entering the competition then?

The iPad and NTAI

I did a little post about NTAI and the iPad on the Sisters' blog if you want to know about how I'm coping with my wait on the NES. And yes, still waiting. :-)

www.sevensassysisters.com

I Am Not a Number - Or Collection of Character Traits!

Another slow news day in Jackie land. To NTAI, I'm concentrating on thinking about the iPad which is finally being released in NZ on Friday. And yes, I'm going to get one. I'm such a gadget girl, I can't help myself. iPad wins over shoes any day in my book.

Anyway, on the writing front, after a great virtual coversation with the talented Lacey, I got to thinking about characters and character sheets. Now, the ed I'm working with sent me quite a good one that provided me with a great starting point. And not just favourite foods and things but questions like; Why is the hero the best person for the heroine? Why is he the worst? What's good about him? What's bad? What does the heroine like about him? What doesn't she like? etc etc. All good material. But there can be a problem with character sheets in that if you're not careful, you'll end up with a character who is just a bunch of traits, not an actual person.

For example, you might have given your heroine a shy trait but decided she's also going to be an actor. Now this may be what you'd plotted out for your story, but would a shy person really choose acting as a profession? And here's where you have to think deeper - perhaps they would, perhaps she's very shy and by choosing acting, she's trying to prove something to herself. What is she trying to prove? Who is she trying to prove it to? How does her shyness impact on the story? In other words, is it part of her character or have you given her that trait because it makes a scene work better?

In essence, every trait you give them is a building block constructing the kind of person they are. And all the building blocks work together, you can't treat them in isolation. I've done the old 'quick, my heroine needs to be stroppy in this scene' trick where I suddenly give my previously quiet, shy heroine a 'take no crap' trait. And then find that to get her to act like this, I have to add a whole lot of things in order to get the desired response from her. Can you say 'making my characters move to fit the plot'? :-) This is where consistency comes into it because you can't just add a character trait for one scene and then never have it appear again. For the shy heroine, you have to ask yourself is shyness part of who she is? Is it central to the story? Is it part of what she needs to change about herself? Is it really necessary for her to be shy?

I think that while character sheets are a good place to start, there comes a time when you need to look at all the traits, likes/dislikes, family background etc, and figure how they all work together in order to make this person come alive. Have you added things just for the sake of it? How will an impatient heroine act? Does this affect your story? How has her impatience affected her life? Is her impatience a flaw that may cost her the hero? Does she overcome it or learn to deal with it? Or have you just added it so she catches the bus an hour earlier and so meets the hero?

Anyway, the character sheets have been great in that they get me thinking about the character before I start writing and now I'm much better at constructing an actual person with a background instead of the cardboard cutouts I used write. But now I don't use them so much as writing a brief bio that I add to as I get to know the character better. Anyone else find them useful?

BTW: If you're wanting more insight into conflict, Kate Walker is doing a great Q&A on her blog.

Oops I Did It Again

If you're here wanting a dose of Brittney, then pop back to Google again - ain't no Brittney on this blog. However, if you're here with romance writing in mind and feeling like you keep making the same mistakes over and over again then join the club 'cause that's exactly where I am now.

My soldier story, for which I have abandoned the other WIPs, is giving me gip. The first inkling I had that perhaps things were not all quiet on the Western Front was when I was brainstorming a couple of ideas to throw my hero and heroine together, one of the crit group wondered what was wrong with the lead characters thinking each other was hot and hooking up. And I thought, 'yeah, what's wrong with that?', at the same time as thinking about complex reasons for my heroine to contact the hero again. Groan.

I guess I should be glad my instincts were right - something wasn't working but I couldn't figure out what the problem was. And then after a chat with Dr Jax who is the canary in the coal mine when it comes to me overcomplicating stuff, I figured out that - yep, you guessed it - I was overcomplicating stuff. Making them too self aware. AGAIN!! Argh!!!

Fact is they don't need complicated reasons to hook up with each other. Okay, so they don't want a relationship, they don't want to fall in love, but falling in love and relationships are not the first thing they think of when they meet. All they're thinking is 'hey, you're hot, I want to see you again'. It doesn't matter if there aren't concrete reasons for them to do so, as long as the characters can justify it to themselves. The reader knows the real reason - they're attracted to each other. So my heroine Niamh doesn't need heaps of external conflict in order to get her to ask the hero to be her date, all she needs is to be able to justify it to herself. She may not want to acknowledge the real reason, that she's attracted to him and wants to spend time with him, but she can tell herself she's asking him because she hates going alone to these things. Or that his presence will stop someone hitting on her or whatever. As long as her justifications are within keeping of her character, then that's all you need.

Sigh. I don't know why I keep doing this. I guess my problem is that subconsciously I'm thinking that being attracted to someone is waaaay too simple a reason and so I have to add all these other reasons in there. In the same way I overcomplicate my conflict because I think that falling in love is too simplistic a way to solve all their problems. Thing is, it doesn't solve everything. But this is category and for the characters, in that moment in time, it does solve the the conflict that you've given them. There simply isn't the word space to explore other tangents or strands to the conflict.

Ah well, at least I've sorted it out now before I've written more than two chapters. Anyone else have mistakes they keep making? I hope I'm not the only one!

The Glory of the 80s

I'm over at the Sisters blog today with my very own Peek of the Week. It's a theme so prepare yourselves for...

Peeks of the 80s!

It's a festival of hair folks so you have been warned.

Here's a Johnny Depp teaser anyway...

Don't Call Me Baby

Well, feeling very jealous about all the conference stuff going on. What with RNA and then RWA, little ole NZ is feeling very far away from everything! Luckily next month there will be the RWAus Conference in Sydney, which I am attending for the first time. Be so cool to see my CPs Rach and Janette in real life instead of just via email. I'll probably get all tongue tied and won't know what to say! Anyway, the week after that we have the RWNZ Conference here in Auckland and that will be way cool too. So I guess I shouldn't feel left out. Anyway, will be blog stalking for gossip from those who attended RNA so I hope some of you guys will be posting updates!

But news on the writing front? Nada. I am instead working on my next sub which is, I have to say, one of my favourite stories. Yes, it's been in a constant state of rewriting ever since I first wrote it for NaNo in 2008, but it finally is starting to look more and more like the story it should have been in the first place. That doesn't mean, of course, that it'll be accepted, but I really hope it will be! I've also started another story and I have to say, I've forsaken my other wips for this one because I LOVE my hero. He's an ex-soldier and woah is he hot. At least I think so. He's alpha (natch), very protective, and - on the surface - laid back. But of course the heroine is going to get under his skin something chronic and then it'll be no more Mr Nice Guy. Hehe.
Now all I have to do is think up a plot!

Anyway - the real point of my post guys - in my blog perambulations recently, I came across a post about pet-names (can't remember where sorry!). It was really interesting seeing what people's favourites were and what were their irritants. Interesting because I've realised that in every one of my stories, my hero has a pet name for the heroine. Now, I'm a fan because they can be very useful, epsecially for the purposes of riling said heroine. They can be first used ironically, if it's that kind of story, or they can be used to expose deeper feeling in quite a subtle way, ie the hero calling her by an endearment can reveal quite a lot about their feelings for each other - especially if this is unspoken in most other ways. Even more interestingly, I've realised that my heroines don't reciprocate. Which I'm going to remedy for my soldier hero - have the perfect name for him. One he won't like at all. Heehee!

So pet names: love 'em? Hate 'em? What don't you like?? For myself, I'm not a fan of baby or babe. I don't know why, it just feels too casual. It's not even about the infantilising aspect of it either, because I read a great story by Trish Wylie where the hero calls the heroine 'little girl' and I found that very sexy!

*the book is One Night with the Rebel Billionaire and it's great!

Drama Queen Gets Well Deserved Slap Round the Head

Ahem. Have to apologise for the whine-fest that was the last post. My only excuse is that I was feeling particularly low and was kind of daring the universe to see what would happen if I gave up. And the universe responded with a stop whining, pull yourself together and get on with it message. Thanks heaps guys. This blog and all the people who read it (lurkers and commenters alike) plays a huge part in keeping me going when things get difficult (CPs too!). Those comments help me put things in persepective, get me out of the hole. And yeah, tough love is GOOD (thank you Julie Cohen!). I need tough. Because this is hard and no place for wusses. It's like a never ending World Cup tournament where you're North Korea, playing every team in creation, in the hope of getting through to the finals. And where every game ends with penalty shoot-outs! (sorry, blame the World Cup madness for that particular analogy!). Oh and as for the trying for two years comment - PATHETIC!! Some people have been trying for 20!!

Anyway, I'm a Kiwi and Kiwis are bl**dy tough. Wussy talk about giving up is NOT the Kiwi way (thank you Kerrin!). Real Kiwis stop complaining, put their big girl panties on, and get stuck in. So that's what I'm going to do. I'll stop obsessing over the NES (Natalie, I'm trying to forget about it!) and get stuck in with finishing all the WIPs I've got lying around.

So, to get the positive vibes rolling, I'm going to ignore the things I have problems with in my writing, and list two good things about it:
1. I write kick-ass dialogue.
2. I can write smoking hot love scenes.

What about you guys? Tell me two good things that you're good at - and it's writing here folks. I don't want to hear about how great you are at vacuuming.

Note: I'm not giving up whining forever though, okay? I still reserve the right to whine a little when the occasion demands. All those who aren't comfortable with it, look away. ;-)

One Percent

Another slow news day in Jackie land. Or should I say another day of stressing out about the NES (Never Ending Story). I should be consoling myself with another WIP but that well seems to have dried up. I've hit the wall in other words. And as such, the question needs to be asked - how long do I keep going?

I haven't been submitting long (or at least, not long in this business) - over two years. I'm on my 6th submission, including 2 contest entries. I have lots of ideas still and lots of mss that need finishing. But I'm not sure how much emotional energy I have left. And that's the killer really. A nice analogy that I've heard from Dr Jax is what they say about anaesthetists - the job is 99% boredom, 1% sheer terror. That sums up for me quite nicely what happens with unpublished writers too. A large percentage of the time is waiting and then there's that horrible moment when you can see the email in your inbox - that's the 1% of sheer terror right there.

I've tried to explain that 1% to Dr Jax and he hasn't really understood. Until last night. He's a Dutch supporter for the World Cup and was stressing about the semi-final big time. And so I told him that that's how I feel EVERY morning I download my email. He said, "God, how you do stand it?" And you know what? I don't know how I stand it. Cause it's getting pretty boring feeling like that I can tell you.

I don't know what I'll do if this ms is rejected. I have another ready to go but at this stage, I'm not sure I have enough emotional reserves left to bear the sub process all over again. And this isn't just me I'm thinking about here either, this includes the family and friends and CPs who have to deal with me during this process. I'm not easy to say the least. Think the Incredible Hulk - you wouldn't like me when I'm waiting on a submission. :-)

Well, I always knew this was hard and maybe if I hadn't had all that early success, I may have been better equipped for the long haul. There's definitely something to be said for a slow building success. I started out with a blaze of glory, only to fizzle out. Which is when you start to question yourself and everything you do.

So what do you do when you hit the wall? What will be your limit? When will you say enough's enough? I always thought my answer will be never. But never is looking like an awfully long time right now.

The Never Ending Story

It would have been nice to start the weekend off with some news - but I don't have any news. Sigh. I guess me having to update the synopsis has put a spanner in the works. I was really, really hoping that it wouldn't but maybe the day she'd set aside for my partial was the day she didn't have the updated synopsis and so chapters 2 - 3 remain unread. Deeper sigh.

This story is something I really wondering if I'm doing myself any favours with. It all started back in October 2009 when I suggested I send the ed the synopsis for approval first. This was for a story I'd initially written (twice) in 2008. She agreed and so I spent a week trying to get it right. Rewrote the synopsis 6 times. Sent it in. Ed said 'back to the drawing board I'm afraid'. This is now November. She suggested I send her some character bios. So I did. December she said they looked good, could she now see the first three chapters and a synopsis. Happy me. I wrote them and sent them at the very beginning of January. Cue four months waiting. April, the ed suggested substantial rewriting. Big wahs from me. Then she suggested she look at my first chapter first. Slightly happier me. I rewrote the partial but after having had it critiqued, realised I'd done a crap job so I rewrote it again (5th time all up). Sent in my first chapter. Ed liked it! Very, very happy me. Send the other two, she said. So I did. Six weeks later she'll get back to me by the end of this week. Um, story is different now, says I. Would you like an updated synopsis? Yes, indeed, says the ed. Tears, tantrums, loud complaints of giving up, wailings and gnashings of teeth later, I rewrote the synopsis (number 7). Thumbs down after a critique. More wailings, tearings of hair, blood on the keyboard. Rewrite again (number 8) and sent it.

Silence.

So there you have it, the story of the of the Never Ending Story. Have I been an idiot for pushing this story so hard? Should I have told the ed to forget it in April and sent her something new? Will I even get to send the rest after nine months of it sitting at the partial stage? Am I, in fact, any good at writing at all or am I deluding myself that I can do this?

Sigh. I am pushing it I guess because I want to show them I can rewrite if necessary. Or maybe all I've shown them is what a huge mess I've made of it.

I guess the problem has been that I have a strong voice that needs to be reined in sometimes. And the other - I've finally figured out - is that I am trying to fit single title conflict into a category book. What I mean by that is that I overcomplicate by conflicts. They never just have one strand, they're always multi-faceted. Not good for a category length novel. I've also realised that the reason I give them complex conflict is that I feel that falling in love solving their problems makes it too simple. So I give them more problems. And so overcomplicate. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I know, these are love stories. Fantasies. Of course falling in love doesn't solve all their problems. At least, it may not solve all of them, just the main one you've given them at the beginning of the book. Ah well, at least I know now.

Alright, so seeing as I have no news on the Never Ending Story, does anyone have any good goss instead?

Synopsophobia

The ed has let me know that she'll get to my chapters by the end of the week. Big yays! However, when I let her know that my synopsis is now no longer quite so correct, she requested an updated one. Not so big yays. Was this a stupid move on my part? At the moment, currently wrestling with giving her an updated one, I'm thinking that's a resounding yes! Sigh.

The main problem is that it seems to be the general consensus that the partial is more important than the synopsis. Naturally the eds want to know you have a decent story but everyone says that eds understand it can change and are a little bit willing to let things go in this area. Maybe I'm wrong but after having my previous synopsis picked to shreds, I can say that some eds pay more attention to synopses than others. And since that appears to be the case here, I need to make sure my synopsis is as good as I can get it - can't risk her not wanting to see the rest due to doing a crappy job.

Which brings me to my other main problem - I'm not very good at them. A while ago I thought I had the knack - until the ed picked it apart and I realised I didn't. It's so annoying. I know the story so well that I keep trying to include every emotional permutation, overcomplicating things, focussing on the wrong reactions, all sorts of irritating stuff. I know what you need to have in them, I'm just so paranoid about not doing a good enough job that I'm probably over compensating. Definitely a huge case of synopsophobia. I'm telling myself that the pain I'm suffering now will be worth it in the long run and that it will only benefit my story, but sadly that's not much help now.

Anyway, in much happier news, the release date of MaiseyYates' fabulous debut book for Presents/Modern is imminent and the Sisters are having a party. So do pop over for some champagne. In fact, if you love ebooks then His Virgin Acquisition will be available on the M&B site from Thursday, a whole month early! Super big yays for Maisey! You rock girl. Want to write my synopsis for me?? :-)

Missing Something Vital - The Romance!

I've been doing major edits on the wip and after a while I got to thinking that I was missing something. And you know what it was? I forgot the romance. So tied up with making sure there's conflict and tension and whatnot, that I forgot I was writing a romance and these two people have to fall in love! Argh!! Lots of argument. Lots of love scenes. But where was the swoony falling in love bit??
Doh.

Maisey's just done a lovely post about the small moments between the hero and heroine, about those moments of connection. And you need them because otherwise how will we ever get emotionally involved? Why will the black moment be so terrible? Because we can see these two people falling for each other and we know they're made for each other and yet they can't see it yet. But first we have to show the reader these two are made for each other. And that they are falling in love even if they don't realise it themselves.

I reckon that's sometimes what I have problems with. I think that if I create these moments between my characters, they will somehow know what the reader and I know, that it means luuuurve. And then that upsets all my plans because they will run a mile. But you know, just because you have a nice moment with someone doesn't mean you're instantly in love. No, you just think 'wow, what a cool guy'. It's really the build up of all these moments that leads to the realisation - unless you're writing a love at first sight story of course.

Anyway, have given them their moment of connection. And hopefully kept the significance of it from them. Actually, don't know why I'm worried about them finding out. They're both experts at lying to themselves and they continue to do so right up until the end.

So has this happened to anyone else? Got so caught up in conflict and tension on every page that you forget you're writing a romance??

Just Hanging Around

Nothing new to report here. Just twiddling my thumbs. Actually that's a lie, I started a new story. Bad, bad Jackie. I have two stories at the partial stage and one with a first chapter done so those really need finishing - I shouldn't be starting a new one! But y'know, when the new story bug hits, ya just gotta go with it.

I haven't written a linked story before but I got kind of inspired after Maisey wrote one. In my current wip my hero has a younger sister. She appeared in an earlier iteration of this story so I know her quite well - she's an unusual sort of girl. Anyway, in the wip, her part is reduced to a phone call so I was kind of feeling a bit sorry we don't see more of her, and when Maisey wrote a story concerning a younger sister I thought why not? But I'll have to get rid of some things first - she's 18 in the wip so I'll have to advance time for her (as you do when you are the god of your character's world), and she has a blue mohawk and an eyebrow piercing so I'll have to get rid of those as well. She can keep playing drums for a gothic metal band though and she's definitely keeping her talent with the violin too. This all could mean she's a tad too quirky but hey, will give it a go and see what happens. Interesting to create a story out of a past that's already set and unchangable. And interesting creating a hero for someone whose character can't be altered too much. I usually create both in tandem with each other so this is a new experience. But a good one. Now all I have to do is think of a plot! ;-)

In the meantime I have been award the Honest Scrap Award by the lovely Kerrin. I have to list ten things you may not know about me. So here they are:

1. I did fencing at university. Once. After a long afternoon at the pub.
2. I love poetry, especially ee cummings and TS Eliot.
3. I have a BA in English (no I do NOT plan to be a teacher - not that there is anything wrong with that).
4. I wrote my first romance when I was 13. The heroine was called Patricia and the hero was married to her sister. It was full of the kind of angst and torture that only 13 year old girls can possibly imagine or indeed be interested in.
5. I once entered a singing competition. The other contestants wore evening gowns. I wore Doc Martens and leggings. I did not win.
6. I got engaged in Prague, on the banks of the river. A saxophone was playing 'Autumn Leaves' nearby and afterwards we went to an ice hockey game to celebrate.
7. When I'm not reading romance, I'm reading SF and fantasy, especially anything by Iain M Banks.
8. I hated Titanic and also Twilight (don't shoot me).
9. I loved Star Wars (but only the first trilogy).
10. My plans for world domination are proceeding nicely.

I have to nominate some bloggers for this award but I think it's been around a bit so I'm going to pike out and say that if you haven't done it yet, it's your turn! :-)

Round One Edit Complete

Okay, so I've finished the first edit of my wip. Still no word from the ed on whether she likes chapters 2 and 3. I had planned not to touch it until I heard from her but couldn't keep away. Anyway, it's done now and it's in better shape than the first time round. Wondering if I've over complicated things again with the resolution but won't think about that till the second round of edits. I'm kind of tempted to polish it up but I have no idea whether the ed will want more or, if she does want more, whether she'll get me to change it again so there's kind of no point in many ways.

This story has been a nightmare to rewrite actually. It's currently in its 5th iteration and I'm so close to the characters, that whole gentle reveal thing has been really hard. Plus the fact that having no external conflict at all, the reason the two stay together in the book is all down to their choice and if they realise they're falling for each other they would run a mile! So I have to keep them lying to themselves about what they're feeling which makes for a slow build book. They don't know they're falling for each other and keep telling themselves everything's okay - until right at the end when it blows up in their faces. Don't know if that's right but that's the way it's played out. And I've realised I've got quite a few love scenes in there. Ah well, the attraction between them is the excuse they use to stay together so it's a large part of the story. And each scene does forward the conflict - I hope!

Good news for the first edit though is that I cried a little at the end. Always a sign that you've written something emotional! I didn't in the first draft - first time ever - so I knew I'd have to go back and ramp everything up. So big yays for tears! Anyone else cry when they write their happy endings?

Right, nothing to do now but wait until I hear back from the ed - whenever that will be. Oh and I'm doing a writing tip on the Sisters' blog today too. Will go up UK time. I'm thinking I might do a little something on dialogue...

The Dance of the Seven Veils

Aren't you guys fabulous? I got some great comments about the whole digging deep deal last post - really set off lots of lightbulbs for me, especially with the WIP I'm going to be subbing next. So big cheers and thanks to you all for commenting!

Anyway, that digging deep post really set me thinking about the problems I'm having with this current WIP. I know these characters so well now that I am forgetting the reader doesn't. Remember the hero burning his toast? And the digging deep we did below the surface? We found out his real fear is that he's inherently unlovable. Now the thing is, he doesn't know that in chapter 1. In fact, in chapter 1, he's fine. His life is great. It takes the whole book for him to realise that he's not fine and it's not until right at the very end that he understands why he isn't.
Make sense?

Well, imagine my burnt toast hero thinking he's not lovable in chapter 1 and that's pretty much sums up my problem with my wip. I'm revealing my characters too early. I don't have much in the way of external conflict - okay ANY external conflict - so I really wanted to get to the heart of their problems, get that conflict down on the page. I had my heroine - who doesn't want a relationship - freaking out in day two of them seeing each other. But come on, really? She's having a nice time with him sure but would she really be feeling worried? Just because you're having a nice time with a guy doesn't mean love, marriage and babies is on the cards. Especially if that's not what you want. Besides, as far as she's concerned she's having a holiday romance, there's no way she'd want anymore so freaking out about enjoying herself the second time she sees him is a bit odd wouldn't you say?

Bascially what I did was dig too deep, too early (made her too self aware if you like). Sure, you need to let the reader know she's enjoying herself, and maybe hint a little that she hasn't had so much fun with a guy for a long time (cos this is special yes?) but save the freaking out for when she really needs it.

Which brings me to my blog title. Without mentioning stripper poles and pasties, I went for the tasteful option and thought about it in terms of veils. You need to reveal your characters conflict slowly. Like the dance of the seven veils, you drop one veil at a time. Mine didn't want to do that, they wanted to drop three. Hey, my heroine went for broke and threw them ALL off, the silly girl! Anyway, slow is what you want so that by the end of the book, all the veils are down and we can see what's at the heart of the problem for these characters.

Other people have other ways of saying this. Kate Walker I think calls it the layers of the onion. I quite like the veil analogy because it's also how the characters reveal themselves to each other as well as the reader. Slowly, as trust grows between them, they allow another veil to drop, letting the other person see a deeper part of them. Not having conversations about how they hated their parents in chapter two after they've only just met (Jackie, take a bow!).

Anyway, that's just my take on it. The speed at which your dance progresses really depends on the story though. Sometimes it'll be fast, sometimes it won't. But what you don't want to is have naked characters half-way through the story because then there won't be enough conflict to get you to the end and you'll be forced to throw in a car chase or something.

So, anyone have problems with their characters throwing off veils willy nilly or is it just me?

Digging Deep - What the $@&! Does That Mean??

It is a question that has mystified the ages - what on earth do they mean by digging deep? Well, giving you a giant hint here: it's got nothing whatsoever to do with mining. Or drain laying. :-)
Now, in my journeying through the murky, disgusting swamp they call conflict, I received some valuable advice from a fellow traveller that really prompted a fantastic lightbulb moment for me about the whole digging deep thing. This may be painfully obvious to some of you but I gotta tell you, it wasn't something I had ever thought of objectively until a couple of months ago.

Right so, digging deep. What does it mean in terms of your characters? It really means examining their emotional reactions and not just the surface emotion. It's all about what's going on underneath the surface. Like an iceberg you may see the tip of it sticking out of the water but there's a giant continent sized lump of ice going on beneath the water that you may not have noticed.
For example, let's say our hero makes our heroine some toast but he burns it. Let's do some digging into his reaction to this. How does he feel about burning the toast? Maybe he's a perfectionist and feels angry that he burned it. Dig a little deeper - why is he a perfectionist? He's a perfectionist because his father was careless, broke things, lost money, didn't seem to care etc. So the hero has decided he's never going to be his Dad and he's going to make sure he does things right. But he's burned the toast which means he's been careless like his Dad, something he's sworn never to be, hence he's angry. Do some more digging - maybe he also feels guilty that by burning the toast he let the heroine down and that is also a part of his anger. Dig some more - why does he feel guilty about letting the heroine down? Perhaps because his father was so careless he let the hero down often and so the hero knows what it feels like to be let down and he doesn't want the heroine to experience that too. Deeper - why does he not want to be careless like his father? How did having a careless father make him feel? Well, it made him feel bad and he doesn't want to feel bad. We can go deeper - why did it make him feel bad? Perhaps he felt bad because he's secretly afraid that his father was careless and let him down because he just didn't care enough about the hero. And if that's true, then how does that make the hero feel about himself? Is the truth, the hero's deepest, most secret fear, really that because his father didn't seem to care about him, he's not worth loving?

Okay, so that's pretty much as deep as it gets: how does the character view themselves? Now obviously this hero doesn't going around thinking he's unlovable. That's what he's afraid of. So he'll do anything and everything to avoid having to test that fear, to make himself feel good about himself. And - in this example - he does that by being a perfectionist. In his mind, if he does everything right, takes care with everything he does, no one will ever have cause to think he's unlovable. Until he burns the toast of course.

Right, so the toast example may be a little silly. I have another example from one of my WIPs. One I just had a brainwave on due to the whole digging deep thing. I have a heroine who is in love with her best friend and has been for years. So far, her black moment has consisted of her realising he will never love her back so she tells him to get lost because it's easier than being rejected. But I'm missing one vital thing that will make this black moment even more emotional. Why does she think he'll reject her? Okay, so he doesn't want a relationship and has made that very clear. But still, what stops her from saying it? Why is rejection so hard? The answer is really very simple. She scared of being rejected because if he rejects her, it'll confirm what's she's always been afraid of facing - that she's not good enough for him. And that's at the heart of her conflict: she's afraid she's not worthy of love.
Now doesn't that pack way more of an emotional punch than simply being scared of rejection?

So, next time you're puzzling out about digging deep, think about your conflict and go right to the heart of the character first. Ask yourself how they view themselves. Not the 'hey, I'm a hugely successful billionaire, there's nothing wrong with me' surface. That's the tip of the iceberg. What's going on beneath that surface? What are they secretly afraid of finding out about themselves? And if they're not scared, then either you haven't gone deep enough or you need to give them some more conflict.

Anyone have any other thoughts on this? I'm still figuring this stuff out so if anyone has anymore lightbulbs, do share!

BTW, sometimes burnt toast is just burnt toast. ;-)

Post Birthday Blues

Took a short blog hiatus over the weekend. Had a fantastic birthday where Dr Jax whisked me away to our wonderful capital city - Wellington - for a weekend of a swish hotel, fine champagne, nice food and, best of all, no kids! My birthday present was a lovely bit of bling, something that surprised me because I'm not a blingy type of girl and yet I found myself choosing a rather gorgeous bit of sparkle. Poor Dr Jax hasn't quite recovered from the cost I fear. ;-) Also took lots of scene-setting pics since - happily - Wellington is also the setting for a new WIP. Even found my hero's apartment overlooking the waterfront! All good.

But now I'm feeling blah. Post birthday blues maybe. Now the fun of the birthday is over, I have more angst and waiting to look forward to. Do we ever get over our need for reassurance do you think? In a normal job we'd have performance appraisals, we'd have a boss to ask about whether we're performing our jobs adquately, we'd have promotions, we'd have a wage! But with writing for publication we don't get any of that. We get silence. Sometimes we'll get encouragement in the form of a letter asking for more work but more often than not we get a rejection. It's a little bit soul destroying after a while.

I guess this qualifies as my vent of the month. I was hoping to save it until further on but what the hey! Anyway, am doubting my submission, doubting the rest of the manuscript - which is complete pants let me tell you, doubting pretty much everything. Don't have any emotional reserves left to deal with the long wait. My mojo has packed her bags and gone on a long holiday into the bargain. Boring huh? Perhaps I need some more NTAI shoes...

On the up side, I have lovely CPs who deal patiently with my constant need for reassurance, though sometimes I feel like a baby bird in a nest with its mouth constantly open... ;-) How do the rest of you deal with it? Do you whine like me? Go shopping? Or is it stiff upper lip all the way?

Happy Hoo-ness

I'm talking about Hoo, knee high stockings and not giving up at the Sisters blog. Check it out if you're interested. If not then as you were. ;-)

Forty

Okay, so it looks like a particular dream I had will not be realised. I wanted to be published by the time I turned forty, and as that day is on Saturday, short of a miracle, looks like I'll have to accept that I won't be. However, I'm hoping that as I will be forty for a whole year (age tends to happen like that eh?) I might have a shot at being published when I'm forty. Always good to have goals when one is staring a significant birthday in the face.

I guess the thing I should keep in mind that although I haven't reached my goal yet, I am doing something I never thought I'd actually do. I am writing full time for a start. And I am lucky enough to be working with a fabulous editor who likes what I write. Never thought I'd be doing that when I was younger! And actually, now I think about it, I'm not sure I would have had the tenacity to do what I'm doing now when I was younger either. I might have given up after that first rejection. Certainly I didn't have the time or the discipline like I do now.

Anyway, am inching towards my goal, albeit slowly, and so my new goal is to be published by the time I'm fifty. Ten years should be plenty of time. :-)

In the meantime, for all those of you who have reached this significant milestone already, quick, give me the good stuff about how great it is being forty. And if there's nothing great about it, lie!

BTW, am also blogging at Seven Sassy Sisters on Thursday. It's a random post and I'm not sure what I'm doing yet so if you're interested check it out.