All Hail Internal Conflict - A Long Muddled Post In My Usual Rambling Way

Am I mad? Quite possibly. You see, the thing is, *whispers* I love internal conflict.

There, I've said it. I know, I know, it's something that's terribly difficult to get right and is the bugbear of many a wannabe writer, me included, but I. Love. It. Which is partly why writing for M&B is something I particularly want to do because their stories are driven by internal conflict. Not car chases and guns. Not bombs. Not even star-crossed lovers kept apart by their families. Just two people who are perfect for each other but have to change themsevles in order to get their HEA. And what could be more emotional than that? What could be more difficult than changing yourself?

Anyway, I fully admit that for all my love of internal conflict, I have yet to get this sucker right. Now the main problem (for me) is that the conflict required for M&B needs to be simple and yet deep. Kate Walker has lots of really good advice about this so get along to her site to read about it but I have to confess it's this simplicity that has been eluding me for a while now.

Why? Well, my history of writing romance is twenty years of writing for my own pleasure. The last romance I wrote that wasn't for M&B was 300k. Yes, you heard that right, 300k. I didn't plot, I pantsed the whole thing, just chucking in whatever was going to make my characters suffer the most. Especially the hero because a tortured hero is my favourite thing in the world. So of course there wasn't just one simple conflict, there were many, many conflicts. It was awesome. But nowhere, on this planet, would this book have been published, least of all by M&B. However, it was ALL internally conflict driven which was great training, but was it simple? Give you three guesses...;-)

I do not do simplicity. I tend to chuck in lots of conflict strands to up the tension and the angst. So, say my hero's internal conflict is that his parents had a messy divorce and he was used as a pawn by both of them to hurt each other. As a consequence he might feel like he's not good enough for love, guilt at letting himself be used, betrayed by people who are supposed to love him, etc, etc. All good stuff but I find myself trying to explore ALL of those emotions at once. Which complicates it. Because guilt might make you act in a certain way, anger might make you act in another, betrayal a third. Now, because you only have 50k in an M&B romance, you just can't explore ALL of them and the consequences (hear that Jackie??). You have to choose ONE.

*gets out the flow chart*

He feels guilty for letting himself be used ----> which leads to him vow that no one will ever use him like that again ----> which makes him decide that he needs to stay in control of his life and himself ----> He MUST have control in order to feel good about himself.

There you go. Pretty clear what kind of thing his character needs to learn eh? Now, say this is a Jackie ms.

He feels guilty for letting himself be used. Also that's he's unworthy. And also betrayed. ---> which leads him to vow that he won't be used again (adds girl who used his bad boy image to annoy her parents), no one will make him feel unworthy again (adds teacher who told him he was useless), and people who are supposed to love you suck (add divorce) ---> which makes him decide he needs to stay in control, he IS the best, and he won't fall in love ---> He MUST have control, he MUST be successful and love is for suckers.

Not so clear right? He has to learn not just to give up his control, but also that success isn't everything and people who love you won't betray you. All okay but not in 50k (there are also layers in which case anger might be a layer but I won't mention that since it's complicated enough as it is!).

So, how do I keep it simple? I make sure I decide my conflict first and then settle on ONE way that conflict might make my character feel, how that ONE way impacts on the way he lives his life and what he needs to do in order to resolve it. And I write that at the top of each ms to help me keep on track and to stop myself adding any more conflict strands.

Easy, peasy, lemon-squeezy.

BTW, there is a movie that is great for considering the layers of conflict - Inception. It's kind of like internal conflict made external. Awesome.

Anyway, how do you feel about internal conflict? Hard? Easy? Put it up against the wall and shoot it?

Jackie Is In the House

Back again from the hell that was the beach with no internet access.... Okay, so it wasn't entirely hell but being separated from my lovely net was definitely no picnic. At least I had the iPad. You do know how much I love this thing right? I'm calling it Brad on Twitter since every time I actually mention the word, 'iPad' on Twitter I get inundated with spam. So, Brad and me...well, we go together like toast and jam. I extolled his virtues to all who would listen and indeed, I even got a sale. I should work for Apple really.

But anyway, the really good thing is that Brad is a joy to write on. I have a special keyboard I plug Brad into and Robert's your father's brother. You just write, you don't even have to save because it saves automatically. No worries about stupid technology crashing. It's awesome. And the games...

Ahem, sorry, I didn't want my first blog post to be about Brad. What I meant to say was that the Hammer Pants ms is now a complete ms should I have a request for more. I probably shouldn't have written it because the Voice of Doom keeps telling me they won't want any more but hey, the OTT optimist told the VoD to stuff it. And I wrote it because I was having fun writing it. Which leads me to the point of this terribly rambly post.

New Year's Resolutions. I have decided, since I am an ornery, contrary beast, that I am not going to have any, at least not to do with writing. I don't need to write more since I'm obssessed enough with it as it is so that's not it. A contract would be nice but that's something I can't control so I can't have that either. Though, that being said, I guess there's one thing I could do for 2011 and that would be to enjoy my writing more. I hated 2010 to be honest. It was sucky from a writing perspective (except for the end) and I felt that I'd lost all the pleasure I got from writing. I worried about everything, whether I had the romance, the right turning points, whether I'd over complicated the conflict, made the characters too self aware, whether it was too much about sex, were my characters active enough....blergh!!!

Enough I say. This year I want to enjoy what I write and stick all that craft stuff in a big box and only open it when necessary. So, my dear blog friends, if it looks as if I'm in any danger of worrying too much about the crafty stuff, feel free to kick my butt and remind me that I was supposed to be enjoying my writing this year! :-)

Right, so, anyone else with some resolutions for 2011 that I am jealous of and wish I'd thought of first? ;-)

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas everyone!

The above is an image of the Pohutakawa Tree - NZ's very own Christmas Tree. Now, I hate to be smug but Christmas in NZ means summer and sand and the beach so think of me while you're shivering beside your fires...

Actually, I'm quite jealous in some ways. I'd love to have a white Christmas. But sadly unless an Ice Age comes to NZ in the next couple of days, that won't be happening (and just as well really since we're going to be in a tent).

Anyway, I will be on holiday for the next 10 days (with no web access! Argh!) so I hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas and lovely New Year. The ed has told me she'll get to my partial in the New Year so at least there won't be an R in my Christmas stocking (but there better be a present, okay, husband?). :-)

Here's hoping for a great 2011 with lots of sales!

*passes round mulled wine for Northern Hemisphere visitors and a nice cold lager for those in the Southern Hemisphere*

Oh and super congrats to my lovely CP Maisey Yates who just sold her sixth (yes?) book! This is a fabulous story that Maisey worked incredibly hard on and it's going to be so exciting to see it in print! Big yays for the Frenchman!

The Closet and Some News

This is just a quickie post to say I'm over on the Sister's blog talking about coming out of the closet. And no, not that particular closet in case you were wondering. :-) Just a small post about being loud and proud of your work.

And now for the news - I've been handed on to another editor following my High Five win. Weirdly I am left in the same position I was in when I came runner-up in the Feel the Heat contest. Then I was handed over to another editor who then looked at the two subs I had in and picked the one with most potential. That sub got to the second revisions on a full stage. So here I am again with two subs in and yet another editor looking to see which has most potential. Dejavu!

I'm hoping at least one of them does actually have potential and I finally do one poor editor proud. It's amazing I haven't been ditched yet really. To lose one editor may be regarded as a mistfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness....:-)

I shall endeavour not to be careless this time.

Here Endeth the Year of Suck

I thought I'd take a leaf out of my dear sister Chelsea's book and do a post about what I've accomplished for 2010 since, it being a sucky year, it might be a good perspectiviser (no, I know, it's not a word) and not as depressing as it seems.

So, anyway, on with the perspectivising...

I have only had one sub out this year and it took a full year to have it rejected (yes, at partial stage). While I was waiting for that sub, I wrote four books, not including a second rewrite of the eventually rejected sub.

I've had two rejections. One for the above sub, and one for a pitch of a book I wrote a year or two ago.

I entered three contests. One I got nowhere. One I got lots of wonderful reader comments. And one I won. Two out of three ain't bad. :-)

I have had two requests. One from the editor for another story after the other two were rejected and one for the contest I won.

I have had about 30 thousands meltdowns (and that's just in the last six months), given up writing for good at least as much, thrown myself on the couch and torn my hair about 100 times, sulked in my bed, ate chocolate and whined on 50 separate occasions, whined generally about writing and about how other people are doing waaaay better than me and why can't I catch a break pretty much every week for the past year, and actively grumped at the family when the writing wasn't going well every day.

I have gained an iPad, an octopus and the numbers 4 and 0 after my age.

I have also learned a whole lot about my process, about how to keep teh sexxay emotional, how to make sure conflict is there from the first page, and how to keep my conflicts simple! I am still learning and no doubt in the next year will learn even more.

And last but definitley not least, I have made so many wonderful friends through this blog, through conferences, through CPs and through writing in general and that made the Year of Suck infinitely more bearable.

So, thanks guys. For listening to my moanings and general crapola, for being supportive and patient with me. And for all your lovely encouraging comments this year.

Oh yes and ending on a hopeful note, I have three subs out there (sending my third tonight) now so am hoping one of them hits the target to make 2011 the Year of Win!

Any major revelations for 2010 that anyone wants to share? Writing ones not things like llamas are bigger than frogs or anything (which they are, oddly enough).

Patience is a Virtue

The above picture is the sound of silence. Both in my house just now and also from the mighty offices in Richmond. I was actually feeling quite good about the silence (in both places) for a while but it's been 8 weeks since I sent in my chapter and synopsis and...well, getting a bit impatient now.

I know, I know. They're inundated with NV subs and no doubt with all the SYTYCW subs too, not to mention being snowed in - literally - so it's no wonder I haven't heard really. And what with polishing up the Hammer Pants and my SYTYCW sub too, hearing about my other sub is not really what I want right now...

Oh, okay, I tell a lie. I DO want to hear about it. I want them to ask for the next two chapters please. The timing would be terrible but hey, I could manage it! Unless it's a flat out R of course. But OTOH, at least I'd know.

So, how about it M&B? Can I find out before Xmas please? Pretty please?

......*more tumblweed rolls by*.........

Sigh.

Aaaaanyway, I am having a lovely weekend of writing provided for me by the wonderful Dr Jax. He's taking the kids out so I can polish up my subs and get them away next week before we head away for a few days up north (where I have NO internet. Sniff). Hence the lovely sound of silence in my house.

So, anyone else waiting right now? How long as it been for you?

Hammer Pants Shoots! Hammer Pants Scores!

Ah, my Hammer Pants. How I love thee. Let me count the ways...

Okay, okay, enough waxing lyrical. What's the news? Well, I got a nice early Christmas present in the shape of:

WINNING THE HIGH FIVE CONTEST!!!

But that is not all, no, that is not all.

I GOT A REQUEST!!!

Ahem.

Sorry for the shouting but 2010 has been, quite frankly, a b*tch writing-wise so this is a very nice way to end it. Yep, it was for the Hammer Pants ms (for which I will now have to reinstate the beginning that I cut!), the very same one wherein I emasculated my bad boy hero in a bid to make him likeable. Grrr. Naughy Jackie. *slaps wrist*

Anyway, the request is for three chapters and a synopsis and once I send that off, plus my SYTYCW chapter, I will have THREE subs in.

Yes, I am a greedy woman. :-) It could, of course, all come tumbling down and I shall be once more buried under a pile of rejections, but just for now, for this week, I am going to do an MC Hammer dance in celebration.

And in fact, if you look closely at the video below, I'm sure you'll see me somewhere in there. I'm the one in the gold pants. ;-)





I also would like to say big congrats to Rach and Jo for finalling too. You both rock!

One last thing. I want you all to go along immediately to check out brand new Riva author Aimee Carson's blog. She's awesome! :-)

First Drafts Suck

Why? Well, here are some reasons my draft sucks:

1. The story is boring.
2. The conflict is confused.
3. The characters are irritating.

As you can tell, I'm at the 'they're never going to want any more of this story so what's the point in writing it' stage. Sigh.

I always get to this point in every story I write and mostly when it's the first draft, which is why I hate first drafts so much. I usually try and get them down as quickly as possible since I much prefer editing. I don't know why I find them so tough. I think it's probably because I'm a pantser by nature and so the plot kind of reveals itself as I go along. Oh, I know the character arcs and the emotional development of the story, but it's the how that happens. The 'what do the characters DO' that gets me. She needs to learn that he isn't like her father so what does he do to show her that? He needs to learn she won't leave like his mother so what does she do? etc, etc.

I know, I know, just sit down a write without the internal editor going blah, blah, blah in the background. And believe me, I do that. But I still get the I can't be bothered with this anymore thing happening.

Anyway, my usual approach to first draft suckage is to start a bright, shiny new idea which, of course, does not help because to get past the first draft stage, you've actually got to finish the first draft!

Grrr.

So far my best option has been to write ahead to a scene I particularly want to write and this is usually the black moment. Because I love writing black moments, doing this can be a really good way of getting things flowing and it's fantastic for figuring out whether your conflict is going to work or not. In fact, skipping forward to writing the black moment for the Hammer Pants ms enabled me to see that my poor old bad boy wasn't all that bad. He kept insisting that he was a b*stard and that he wasn't good enough for the heroine and I kept wondering why that was since he actually didn't have a past that would make him ashamed. Same with the Frenchman. In the story, there's a choice that as an alpha male in control of his life, he probably would have made, except in my story, he doesn't want to even make the choice. And I kind of thought I knew why, but it wasn't till I'd written the black moment that I went 'Ooooh, so THAT'S why!'.

So, anyway, that's my tip for getting past the 'bogged down' stage in first drafts. Anyone else got any ideas? I'd be glad to hear 'em!

How Dorothy Dunnett Ruined Me for Writing Category Romance

**Spoiler Alert! If you plan on reading these books and like surprises then stop reading now. Right now. This instant! **

**I mean it.***

**Well, okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.***

I like subtlety. My very favourite historical romance in all the world - The Lymond Chronicles by Dorothy Dunnett, that I first read at the tender age of 15 - was chock full of it. I liked the way nothing was ever semaphored in large, friendly letters, merely hinted at. Whispered. I liked the way that sometimes I had to go and re-read parts just to see if what I thought happened, actually did happen. Or that I'd missed something that I should have picked up on. I liked how you had to pay attention to the most seemingly innocuous conversation because it might contain some clue to a character's emotional state or to their past. Or how even the way they were standing was some hint as to their deeper emotions. I liked the way there was ALWAYS a subtext going on and how half the fun was guessing what exactly the subtext was. And I liked the way you hardly ever got the hero's POV because it kept him mysterious.
But most of all, I really liked how my best friend and I used to argue for hours about questions the answers to which were never clearly answered - what really happened to his father? What was it with his mother? Was the boy who died really his son or the son of his enemy? Was he really in love with the woman in book 2? And what exactly was the nature of his relationship with the Turkish prince in book 4?
In fact, those questions and many others, kept a whole web discussion forum going for years and probably still does. But that's beside the point. I loved the subtlety of it and I read and re-read those books over and over again, just to see if could pick up any more bits and pieces of information that I'd missed the first ten times I read it.

I loved that subtlety SO much that I swore, as a writer, I would never hit my readers over the head with conflict (actually, I didn't really know what conflict was back then but you know what I mean), that I'd dole out little bits of information like cheese before mice, leading the reader into the story but perhaps never revealing anything too much till later. If at all. I'd give them little puzzles so they would be fascinated about my characters motivations and perhaps go and re-read bits so they could maybe pick up on something they'd missed. And I'd also keep my hero very mysterious and not give him a lot of POV so no one would know quite what he was doing or why until right at the end. Oh yes and I'd torture him lots too because there's nothing like a tortured hero.

And I bet you can guess how well that worked out when it came to writing category romance.

It didn't.

I blame Dorothy Dunnett and Francis Crawford of Lymond completely for my inability to get to grips with category romance. And I have to repeat to myself daily what worked for six 500 page books published in the 60s will not work for one 50k book published in 2010.

So, no to subtlety. No to little reader puzzles. No to carefully hinted at emotional states. No to mysterious motivations. No to limited hero POV. No to roundabout dialogue where the characters talk about everything but the thing they actually need to talk about. Oh and BIG nos to torturing your hero with opium addiction (seriously!).
Yes to have that conflict in the first chapter. Yes to being absolutely clear as to the motivations of your characters. Yes to the reader knowing more than the characters do NOT the other way around.

Still, I suppose if Dorothy Dunnett had actually written on the first page 'Francis Crawford had always secretly feared he was the secret lovechild of his mother's affair with her husband's father' then I'm sure there would not have been six books to write.*

Anyway, that's my excuse as to why this category romance lark is so damn difficult for me and I'm sticking to it. :-) And you'll be pleased to know that I have actually broken the habit of a lifetime and in the latest couple of WIPS, got out my conflict stick to beat the reader over the head with it. :-)

So, question for the day - have there been any particular book/books that have had an influence on you as a writer?

*Note: okay, so that's kind of a spoiler. Sorry. But it's only part of the conflict not all of it. Or is it? You'll have read it to find out. And you may come to an entirely different conclusion. :-)

Neutering the Bad Boy

It's funny the things you find out about your characters that you don't realise until you've written The End. Have done the HEA for the Hammer Pants ms (actually they're Hammer Capris since I've come up short on the word count) and figured I've been pulling back on my hero. I wanted him to be a bad boy - hey he knows it and has been trying to tell me so it's not his fault - but actually, he's not all that bad. In my efforts to make him sympathetic, I've neutered the poor man. Which kind of defeats the purpose of his conflict and may be one of the reasons I was struggling with the ms. Never a good thing to do with an alpha. So one of the many pieces of tailoring I have to do to the Hammer Pants to get them looking like Chanel is to give my poor bad boy back his cojones. He's not a happy lad, let me tell you, and he did not appreciate my efforts to contain him.

Such are the joys of the alpha male.

Anyway to give myself a bit of alpha practice, I've been redoing my Frenchman to suit Presents/Modern. Yes, it's quite different to writing MH but to be honest, I'm quite enjoying releasing my inner emo. As you know, I LOVE teh angst. Bring on the drama, the torture, the sexy darkness! You can't go too dark with MH - at least not as dark as I want - so letting it all hang out with a bit of Presents is actually quite liberating. Anyway, I always had a sneaking suspicion that the Frenchman erred on the Modern side of the Modern Heat line so it's not been too much work to pull him completely over it. And I have to say, he's happier as a Modern hero. His voice in my head wasn't ever MH and so the rest of the ms is not all that MH is tone either. In fact I'm secretly thinking of sending the first chapter to SYTYCW, just to see what happens. Hehe.

So what's everyone else doing? Neutered any bad boys lately?

Hammer Pants Get a Prize

The rollercoaster has been up and down this year, mostly down it has to be said, so I was pretty pleased to be told last night that the MC Hammer Pants ms finalled in the RWAus High Five contest. Apart from Feel the Heat two years ago, I've done poorly in most contests I've entered. Often I get a couple of judges who loved the entry but also one who HATED it. So this time I appear to have lucked in. Very happy about it but also extremely surprised because I was sure the ms wouldn't get anywhere at all.

Anyway, the High Five consists of the first five pages of an ms (no synopsis - guess why I entered??) so I'm not sure if that's enough to warrant a request but I would be very happy if so. There is one problem with a request however. I have changed the beginning of the story completely since I sent off the entry! Argh!! Not sure whether to continue with it the way it is now or not.

Oh well, will wait and see what happens. In the meantime there's my SYTYCW submission which I'm tearing my hair over since it's a little something different, plus the wait on my MH chapter and synopsis. Crossing fingers that perhaps the rollercoaster will continue its upward climb...

How's the rollercoaster doing for everyone else?

PS. Big congrats also to my lovely CP Rach and my lovely blog friend Jo Dixon who also finalled.

Pants!

You know that 13k? Best. Deletion. Ever. Yes, indeed, sometimes starting the whole thing again is the best thing to do. Because now I am at 25k and thinking it's not total pants. Okay, so that's a lie, it IS pants, just not saggy, baggy, smelly, held-up-with-string pants. More like dodgy tracksuit pants. Or gold, sparkly MC Hammer Pants. Yep, I think I'll go with the MC Hammer Pants ms, because hey, there is the requisite touch of luxury in that it is set in a VERY nice hotel. That's probably the only good thing about it in many ways but you'll all be pleased to know that I am not going back and editing. I am doubting nearly everything about it but I shall press on. At least the tone is right and the conflict is okay. Probably. Maybe. Who knows?

What I do know is that after Nano is over, I shall be left with a pair of gold MC Hammer pants that I will need to tailor into a Chanel couture ball gown. Which is easy right?

So how's everyone else's Nano looking? Do you have Hammer pants too?

The 17 Step Method

Why is it that the more you know, the harder it is to write? A couple of years ago, my process was this:

1. Have an idea.
2. Write it.

Excellent huh? But then came along this pesky thing called craft and things changed, and so did my process. It became something like this:

1. Have an idea
2. Work out the conflict.
3. Sit down and write it.

Nowadays though, I know more. So at the present time it's like this:

1. Have an idea.
2.Work out the conflict.
3. Figure out the backstory.
4. Figure out the characters.
5. Determine character arcs.
6. Think about a vague synopsis.
7. Sit down and write it.
8. Stop. Realise you haven't thought about the backstory deeply enough. Repeat Step 3.
9. Continue writing.
10. Stop. Realise you haven't really got a handle on the conflict. Go back to step 2.
11. Keep writing.
12. Stop. Realise that your beginning sucks and you've started in the wrong place.
13. Start again.
14. Stop. Realise that your conflict actually sucks.
15. Try to keep going despite it, hoping it'll all work out in the end.
16. Stop. Realise that it's not going to work out and your whole story sucks.
17. Give up, go get a martini and watch Spartacus instead.

No doubt, in another year or two it'll go something like this:

1. Have an idea.
2. Decide to bypass all the crap by proceeding directly to step 17.

Does anyone else have this problem or is it just me?

Delete, Delete, Delete

Did you hear that?

*screams*

That folks is the sound of thirteen thousand words being deleted. Such a great start to Nano huh? Writing this reunion story has been like pushing the proverbial excrement up the proverbial hill and yesterday I was going to give up the whole story in complete disgust and wander around wailing and rending my garments. But in a last ditch effort, I followed a bit of advice handed out by CPs and a few lovely blog readers, and wrote a scene that occured in the past - the black moment where my couple's earlier relationship broke up.

Now this, my friends, is a most excellent way to go and if you are having conflict issues and can't work out a character's history, writing it out is extremely helpful. Of course, in writing out this particular scene, it has resulted in the loss of 13k. So perhaps helpful isn't quite the right word. Still, better to know the problem now than in another 40k or so when I would have to rewrite the entire story.

Anyway, the problem was I had started the story in the wrong place and made the hero do something he wouldn't, thereby creating a lot of complex backstory, with lots of offstage revelations, just to get him to do what I wanted him to do. I thought he realised breaking up with the heroine the first time round was a mistake but it wasn't until I wrote out some of his past that I realised that he didn't think it was a mistake. He thought he did the right thing. And it's not until he meets her again that he realises he didn't.

And so I'm having to start the entire story again. It sounds horrendous to get rid of all those words and it is, but the start I had won't work with the conflict now, and if I keep going with it in its current form, the entire story will probably fall to pieces. Probably. I don't actually know of course until I start writing it but one thing I am certain of, if the story feels too hard to write then there is a problem with it.

Still, depressing start to the month I have to say. Anyone have other depressing deletion stories?

On a happier note, big congrats to Leah, winner of the New Voices comp! Fabulous news, m'dear. We'll have lots to celebrate next RWAus huh?

Dealing with the Whataboutmes

Trying to haul myself out of the blahs with a post over at the Sisters about how to deal with a bad case of the 'whataboutmes'. And if you want to know what they are, here's the link:

What about me?

If you don't, here's a picture of Andy Whitfield from Spartacus instead. Are you not entertained? ;-)

The Joy of Reunion Stories. Not.

Still suffering from the 'mehs'. With a sprinkling of 'blahs' and some 'whatever' sauce. This is not good. It does not help that my current wip is a reunion story. This is the first one I've attempted and I gotta say it's hard! Now, back in the mists of time (a year ago), I used to find beginnings easy. Got my hook and it all came together nicely. It was the rest of the book that was the hard part. But things are different now and quite frankly, I am finding beginnings to be a pain in the butt!

So why now? I think it's the old craft thing kicking in. I know more about craft now that I ever did and that has made me aware of the things I need to know before I can start the book - before I used to dive right in and never worry about it. Conflict being the main one. For example, the couple I'm writing now have a painful past and I thought I knew what that past was but as I was writing chapter 2, I realised that in fact I didn't. Nor did I know what their most basic conflict was, the one that made their relationship fail the first time round. Or at least, I had an idea but then realised I hadn't thought about it deeply enough. Oh, yes, and of course I'd made it unnecessarily complicated again so I had to simplify it. Simple but deep.

And then there's the question about how to get across all that past, that sense of what their initial relationship was like, when they meet up again. It's tricky because the conflict that they have must happen in the present, not the past, so you can't put too much past in there. Argh!!

So, here I am, stuck in chapter 3, having rewritten the past couple of chapters 2 or 3 times and I'm still not sure I've got it right. Groan.

Anyone have any handy hints or tips for reunion stories??

Like, Whatever

Oooh, I've been a bit of a bad blogger. A week with no post! Well, the truth is I've been staying offline a bit over the past week. A case of the 'what's the point of anything?'s. Maybe it's time of the month (don't get me started about dealing with hormones and writing!) or maybe it's due to the tail end of winter hanging around here but definitely it's been a bit of a can't be bothered couple of weeks.

I suppose I should be writing more of the ms that has the first chapter with the ed, but the truth to tell is that I can't face it. After having the last one rejected at partial stage after I'd rewritten the full twice, I'm not sure I want to put in the work of writing the whole thing only to not even be asked for chapters 2 and 3. Now, this actually flies in the face of accepted advice. You should finish the ms before you sub right? This is true. However, in my defence, I will say that the ed specifically asked me for something I'd only just started. And now, having got her synopsis for something that isn't written yet, I am a little afraid of writing the rest of it because - of course - once you start writing the story, the synopsis might change! And so might the conflicts! So I don't want to have written chapters 2 and 3 and suddenly find out that the synopsis I wrote two weeks ago is suddenly not right. Sigh. Hence me leaving this story until I hear back from the ed.

In the meantime I am working on another MH idea (three actually) and - big announcement! - SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Yes folks, after two years of concentrating on MH, I am trying my hand at something else. Bout time huh? :-) It's an idea I've had floating around in my brain for years. What is it? Steampunk romance with magic! Yep, that's pretty much as removed from MH as you can get eh? I've actually started it but it's hard. In fact, it's really hard. I have to get back into external conflict, figure out world-building, put a historical spin on it... Not sure it'll be successful at all to be honest. But hey, it's a challenge and that's always a good thing, right?

Still doesn't help with me with my dose of the 'whatevers' though. Just another thing I'm 'meh' about. What about everyone else? What do you do when you just can't be bothered?

How Badly Do You Want It?

Okay, so I'm a sad case, but this is something I ask myself quite regularly. Especially this weekend as I wandered around feeling sick as a dog with submission doubt. Is my heroine acting out of character or over the top again? Is my hero way too nice? Did I keep my conflict simple enough? Is there enough of it the first chapter? Are their motivations clear?

It's kind of exhausting feeling like that. As is the rollercoaster of hope and despair that the writer's journey seems to consist of. And sometimes I think that perhaps I care TOO much about it.

I've never had a blinding ambition to be anything. I was librarian for 15 years because a) I liked books and b) I could never get into publishing. And being a librarian suited me very well because it wasn't too stressful and at the end of the day it meant I could come home and write.
Actually, when I say I never had a blinding ambition to be anything, that's a small lie. I have always wanted to be a writer. But it wasn't ever something I thought I would be. It was just one of those nice dreams.
But in the last few years, I've realised that perhaps I could be one after all. That perhaps it doesn't just have to be a nice dream. And whaddya know? It turns out I have ambition after all. And boy does my ambition want this. It wants it SO bad! It cares so deeply about it, that some days I have difficulty switching it off.

The downside of this means that I am a writing bore. I write every day and get grumpy when I don't. I think about writing obsessively. When it's not going well, nothing goes well and it's all bad. I have a love/hate relationship with my inbox and I feel like throwing up every time I get an email from the ed. When I get an R it's DEVASTATING. When I get a 'you'll have to rewrite it from the top', I'm ECSTATIC. It's exhausting.
On the upside wanting it badly, caring too much means that I channel all that drama back into my writing. Which does make for lovely, emotional scenes. It also means that giving up is much harder. And....I'm sure there was another upside but maybe not!

So I don't know, admitting how badly you want something isn't fashionable these days. You've got be 'well, whatever, I'll give it a go and if it doesn't work out, so what' kind of thing. Some days I wish I did have that attitude. It would be so much easier. But the thing is, that kind of attitude would mean that I probably wouldn't still be here on sub number 6. I'd have stopped after sub number 1.

Anyway, I've tried not to care, believe me. To make this whole process easier on myself and my family. I've tried to think, 'oh well, if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, it doesn't'. But you know what? That doesn't work. No amount of trying will make me care any less about it. So I think I'll just have to accept that I want this badly. That I care about it very much. That I'll never be a 'meh, whatever' kind of person. And that I'll just have to live with the hope and despair that comes along with caring far too much for my own good.

Lucky Dr Jax. Ah well, he always knew he was getting a drama queen for a wife. :-)

So what about all the rest of you? How badly do you want it?

Three Little Problems

Yep, have sent a chapter and synopsis to the ed. No, not the NV entry as yet. This is my soldier story (though I'm thinking of losing the soldier part since it only adds to his character and doesn't directly relate to the story). I feel paranoid and sick about it naturally. The previous two ideas haven't gone down well so I have no idea whether this will fare any better. I have tried really hard to take what the ed's been saying to me on board so whether I've managed it will be anyone's guess.

You see, here are my problems:

1. I have been writing romances since I was 12. Now these were only for myself, not for publication. So I have had over 20 years of writing stories where I could do whatever the hell I wanted and that seemed to mostly be concerned with piling as much angst as I could into it. Hey, I didn't have to please anyone but myself so why not? Flashforward 28 years and I'm still trying to stop myself from piling on the angst. Fear of failure? Sure. Why not add fear of being vulnerable too? Oh yes, and also fear of not being wanted, hating to be protected and stick an unplanned pregnancy in there too. Enough conflict for ya?

2. I HATE being hit over the head with the obvious as a reader. QED, as a writer I am not obvious enough. This combined with a fear of my characters being too self aware, means sometimes the conflict isn't obvious in the first chapter. And neither is their motivation.

3. I came late to reading romance. I only started reading a lot of it 3 years ago. Up till then, the only romance I read was an M&B binge every 6 months or so. I've been trying to catch up on the genre but up until 3 years ago, I didn't even know a romance had to have an HEA, let alone heroic, aspirational, sympathetic characters.

So these three little problems of mine have all conspired against me. Not only do I over complicate my conflicts so it's not clear, I am also not obvious about them so readers (and editors!) don't know what motivates them. Ergo this makes them unsympathetic because if you don't know what motivates them, you can't relate to them. Add to that a tendency to want to break the 'romance' mould with my characters because I want to do something different (and not knowing what's 'acceptable' and what's not), and you have a recipe for disaster. And rejection.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it's taking me a VERY long time to both be aware of these problems and to overcome them. My latest sub I have tried hard to stick to one conflict for both my characters, made sure it's clear and have tried to follow it to its conclusion in the synop. I have also tried to make it more obvious in the first chapter. The thing I'm most worried about is my heroine. I've - again! - tried to make her different. I hope I haven't overstepped the mark. She's spiky and prickly, and kind of rude. There is a reason for this and I'd really like to think I got it across in that first chapter but...

Who knows? Only time will tell I guess. Anyway, it's back to NTAI for me! Where's everyone else at?

The Importance of Being Earnest (and Honest)

Sometimes this blog is a difficult thing. When I started it, I thought I'd just do random posts about how the writing was going and also - because I spent 10 years as a librarian and I'm firmly of the belief that knowledge is power - I wanted to share what I'd learned from the editor. From the blogs I'd already seen, not many people shared the info they got on their rejection letters so I thought I would, since the information in them was so helpful. I didn't quote the letters direct since I'm not in the business of quoting others without their permission, but I did post the gist of it.

At first this was easy. When I started submitting, I knew I would make mistakes and get rejected, and I had no problem admitting my mistakes and sharing them with people so that others might find it useful. Of course, that was then. Sharing the rejection on my revised full was pretty hard. And sharing the rejections subsequent to that has been harder still. Mainly because with all this editorial support, aren't I supposed to be getting better? Am I not learning anything?

Anyway, this is just to say that it's a very public journey I've chosen to take. And yes, it's my choice. And you should know that sometimes I hate posting my failures or mistakes up here. But I do because that's how I started and that's how I should continue. I have learned a lot and I know I still have a lot to learn, and I'm still a librarian inside, I still want to share my knowledge with those who might find it useful.

But the other thing is that I also share about how I feel about my mistakes and rejections. I know some people don't like this. It's uncomfortable. Hey, it's uncomfortable for me too. But I do it because I want people to know it's normal to feel angry, to feel sad, to feel disappointed when you get rejected or when you don't place in a contest. It's normal to cry. It's normal to want to give up. It's normal to feel jealous of those who have made it. It's normal to yell 'it's not fair'.
I have felt all of those things and probably will continue to do so. But you're allowed to feel that way, don't let anyone tell you can't. If you care about something, then you will feel crap when it doesn't happen.

I have had some lovely emails lately from people, telling me how much they appreciate my honesty on this blog. So I thought I should say that I shall continue as I have started, posting my failures and mistakes. And I'll continue to whine when I feel I'm not getting anywhere. And no doubt, I'll continue to say 'I give up' at least once a month. And if you find this uncomfortable, that's okay. You don't have to read. I'm doing it for those who feel they can't say it publically, or don't want to share, who think they're alone when they get that rejection and they feel like someone's cut out their heart with a spoon. Well, you're not alone. We ALL feel that way, no matter how many people pretend otherwise.

The truth? This blog, the people who read it, the commenters and the lurkers, and my CPs are the reason I'm still here. Yes, last week I wanted to give up. I was angry. I was disappointed. I felt ignored and I indulged myself with all those feelings. But I thought of all the people who have followed me on this journey and who are on their own roads, and I know I can't give up. I've got to keep going. So, having indulged my feelings thoroughly because that's how I deal with it, I'm putting them aside and getting on with it.

This may sound like a wah-wah, whatever post for all the battle hardened submitters and authors who have been doing this for years. Fair enough. Maybe after another few years I'll have developed the same attitude and got my hard shell. But until then, this post is really for the people who haven't been at this long and are struggling.

I pledge to you that I will continue to be honest with how I'm getting on. This will be hard for me but I'll do it. I won't criticise people or organisations, this is all about me, the drama queen writer. It's a hard, hard journey but I am not a hard person and sometimes, it's okay to admit that.

Sale Congratulations

Just interrupting the pity party to offer congrats to:

Amy Strnad for her sale to MH!! Yay, go Amy! She will now have to get herself a blog so we can all go comment. Hint, hint... :-)

Wendy Marcus for her sale to Medicals!! Go Wendy!

Well done ladies.

The whine will continue anon.

Dark Night of the Soul

Hey everyone, back again from holiday. But unfortunately coming back to a bit of a downer so excuse the ranty post. Heard from the ed while I was away and although it was a very nice, long email, it was full of all the things I'm doing wrong and not much about what I'm doing right. And actually, not sure there's anything I'm doing right at the moment. My major problem seems to be characters that aren't instantly understandable and relateable, and thus are unsympathetic. Big yays for me.

I seem to like characters that act too much like real people, with all their sad, stupid flaws, rather than aspirational characters that are flawed but ultimately act in more sympathetic ways than real people ever do. This is not bad, by the way, simply one of the requirements of the genre. Because, really, when you read romance, you do not want to read about everyday people being dumb. You want to read about fundatmentally good people who come to see the error of their ways and do the right thing in the end. Not that my characters don't do that, it's just they're not as instantly understandable as the category requires.

So, here I am, working on my synopsis for my next sub, wondering if I've made my characters too complicated again, whether they're instantly understandable, whether they're acting in extreme ways, is there too much sexual tension, is there not enough, is this even worth submitting because it's obviously a huge load of crap... Should I give up this stupid writing thing and take up macrame instead.

Sigh. I should add that in fact, there was one thing I'm okay at and that seems to be emotional scenes. Though since they don't tend to come along until a bit later in the story and as I've had two partials rejected, I haven't even had a chance to show those off of late either.

So there you have it. Welcome home, Jackie.

And no, there was no mention of my NV entry. Everyone else seemed to like it so I'm not sure what the problem with it was. No doubt something I haven't even scratched the surface of yet, that will lead to undiscovered new territories of rejection potential...

It's Not Over Yet

Thanks to the lovely Jo Dixon, I see that there are more chances to get a critique of your New Voices chapter. To enter the draw go here.

Also it looks as if the eds will be posting the names of authors they want to see more from in the next week. I'm hopeful IT Girl will be asked for though I haven't heard anything from the editor I'm working with so far. I do have another alternative to submit and - while I've been away - I've had another idea for a new story. Hehe.

Decided I'm also going to try something a bit different. My Frenchman, which was initially Modern Heat, I'm going to rewrite for Modern. It was always more Modern than MH anyway but think it might be good discipline to try a different line. I know, it's not that different but hey, baby steps.

So, what's everyone going to do with their NV chapters then?

Best Use of Neil Diamond In An Opening Chapter

Firstly, thanks all for your fantastic support of my New Voices chapter. The response to it has been unbelievably amazing and I'm so happy that so many people seemed to like it. Truly, I had no idea it would be so popular or that it would stay being so popular throughout the competition. That has been the best thing about this competition - having that wonderful reader feeback.

But, of course, I did not final. And can I tell you now that I am NOT surprised in the slightest. I am not a new voice for them. I've already been a runner-up in one contest and I have been working with an editor for a while now so in many ways, I already have the prize (and the iPad!). So why did they encourage me to enter? Probably so they could see what readers thought of my voice. And the response has been yes, people like my voice so - as the wonderful Dr Jax told me - why would they choose me as a finalist? Better to give that place to someone totally new since they already have me. :-)

All that is supposition though. I am disappointed, yep, no denying it. But I do hope that I get some editorial response to It Girl. Because I do have story behind that first chapter, with actual, honest to God conflict and everything. Will keep you posted anyway. :-)

Big congrats to the finalists, especially Leah whom I met at RWAus. Great going girl! Hope it leads to big things for you.

As for me, I am awarding myself the prize for Best Use of Neil Diamond in an Opening Chapter. Because man, I earned it! :-)

Sexy Octopus

Yes, you heard. I said sexy octopus. Right now Hoo is over on the Sisters' site being Peek of the Week. So go say hello - if you can stop drooling over his knitted blue hotness long enough. ;-)

BTW, re New Voices, can I just send out a huge woohoo to the wonderful Lacey Devlin who has been a fabulous cheerleader for all NV entrants. She's got the Wall of Fame, the badges, the cheese. People, that lady's got everything. So big round of applause for her!
Oh and you can go check out her rocking chapter because I'm not sure that lovely lady is going to put herself on her own wall (though she should 'cause she rocks!).
Misbehaving with the Retail Magnate.

Three cheers for Lacey!

Stuck

Stuck in the mire of self doubt at the moment. Working on polishing up my next sub but am doubting basically everything about it. At least the thing I'm pretty sure I've got right is the emotional connection between my characters - at least, I think I have. Famous last words huh? And if that's not bad enough, I now have to write the suckopsis and that is filling me with gloom. The ed takes my synopses very seriously so it has to be right. Another reason to stress.

I think my process is not helping me sadly. I am a pantser. Yes, I do have a vague idea about plot and characters but often the characters don't settle for me until I'm halfway through the ms. Sometimes I'll write a quick and dirty draft, realise it's utter pants while I'm editing it and then figure out a better way for the plot to go. Sometimes this takes me through several drafts before I get it right. The problem with this of course is that if I am editing a ms I've already subbed the partial of, I can't go back and change those first three chapters, which is often the part of the ms that changes the most. This happened with the last sub. In the process of editing the story, I realised what was missing from those first three chapters and hoped I'd be asked for the rest so I could go back and change it to match the rest of the story. Sadly not.

Clearly, with a process like mine, I need to finish and edit the ms completely before I send a partial. Which makes it difficult because if you're asked to revise, revisions are much more easily incorporated into a draft than a finished, polished ms. Plus there's the whole worry about expending a lot of effort on an idea that won't work at all for the editor.

Of course, the ideal for me - since I find that I can't treat a partial in isolation from the rest of the ms - would be just to sub the full straight off. Cue hollow laughter. Yeah like that will happen. :-)

Anyway, how about the NV competition? So many great entries! Going to press ahead with IT Girl at least. It would be fabulous if she got through to the next round but if not, I'll sub her anyway. But first I have to write the whole thing so I can get to know her better. :-)

Extra Special Treat for Lovers of Modern Heat

Very excited to say that Natalie Anderson, Modern Heat writer extraordinaire and USA Today bestselling author, is guesting on the Sister's site, like, RIGHT NOW!

So if you want to hear about her favourite hero, her upcoming release, plus some hot writing tips, trot along to the Sisters site. And if that isn't enough to get you there, she's also going to be doing a giveaway for one lucky punter.

Go Natalie!

Putting the E Back Into S*x

Okay, so, I've got over my rejection. Actually I'm well over it. Much more so than the previous one. Odd considering how much time and effort I put into this story. And maybe that's part of it. I've learned SO much just in the writing of it that I didn't feel any of that effort was wasted. Certainly if I hadn't put my all into getting that submission right, I would not have been able to write IT Girl.

Bottom line though is that I didn't get it right. And I know why. To be honest, I suspected that I might not have pulled it off about a month after I'd sent it. Such a horrible feeling. But I really hoped I'd be given the opportunity to correct it...Sadly not. Oh well. I still think the story holds up and I do plan to rewrite it at some stage. You will not have seen the last of it!

Anyway, at least I now know the problem with one night stand stories. How to get that balance between sex and emotion. The partial was rejected because there was no emotional connection between the two characters, which made their romance unbelievable. This approach is okay for something like Blaze, but not so for MH (or any of the M&B lines probably). There HAS to be an emotional connection between the characters first. My thought was 'but if these two felt an emotional connection, they'd run a mile. And they weren't looking for one anyway'.
That is true. But here's the thing - only the reader needs to get a hint of it. The characters themselves don't need to know. Subconsciously they might feel 'something' is different about this person they've met, something that is totally unlike anything they've ever experienced but do you think they will admit it to themselves? No way. They'll explain away the feeling by saying to themselves 'it's just physical' or 'it's just that he's unbelievably arrogant' or that 'I don't like people who don't do what I want' or some other excuse to explain this weird intensity.
But the reader - who likes to know things the characters don't - will be going 'aha!'
And there you have that vital emotion. And that's what was missing from my partial.

Interestingly, none of the other mss I've got suffer from that so at least I don't have to go back and rewrite all of them!

Actually, now I think about it, that's why this R doesn't suck too badly. Because I know what the problem was and I can see it what I wrote. Which means I can fix it for next time.

And speaking of next time, yes, I have my next sub ready to go. Will get the eds thoughts on the premise first and if she's interested, it's gone!

Onwards and upwards, my friends. Gotta keep climbing that mountain. :-)

From High to Low

Lucky me, I got an R for the Never Ending Story this morning. And I'm really annoyed about it. I've worked for 11 months on that story with the editor. Got the synopsis reworked, the character bios, the partial rewritten twice, and to not even get a request for a full is just so disheartening. Makes me question whether I know what I'm doing at all. Whether what they want from me is impossible to do.

The response was lovely, don't get me wrong. Very encouraging. But the reason for the R was because it was too much about the sex. At least the partial was. Now, I can see what the ed means and while I was editing the story, I thought I would have to go back and layer in some more emotional stuff. But lowering the emphasis on the sex is easy, it's the conflict that matters. At least I thought that was the most important part. And it wasn't the conflict it was rejected for.

Problem is, in this story my characters don't want an emotional connection and will fight it. So for them, sex IS all it's about initially. In fact, they're determined to think it's just physical for as long as possible. Perhaps it's that approach that makes it not suitable. Then again, I've read lots of other one night stand stories in MH where it's all about the physical initially, and it seems to work for others.

Sigh. Anyway, the ed told me to put it aside for a while and come back to it later so I guess it's not a complete waste of time. But I am going to email her and ask her for clarification on the issue.

Right at the moment though, I feel as if I have to write an absolutely perfect, no revisions necessary kind of partial to even warrant being asked for more. Which is beyond irritating when the last requested full had no conflict, lots of stereotypes, pacing issues and all sorts of other problems that this one didn't have.

Okay, so thanks for letting me vent. Funnily enough I'm not as gutted as I thought I'd be. I'm just frustrated as to what it is they want from me. Oh well, good thing I have sub number eight waiting to go. :-)

Thank You Lovely Blog Friends

Today I am sending out HUGE thank yous to all of you who read my chapter in the New Voices comp. I know, there's still two weeks to go till we hear about the finalists but honestly, I'm so grateful that I almost don't care if I place or not (almost!). ;-)

To say I'm thrilled with how many people like it would be a massive understatement. Really, it doesn't get any better than having a whole bunch of people say 'yeah, we like what you've written'. Having had polarising comments in other competitions, I truly didn't expect so many people to enjoy it. I feel a bit like like Sally Field - 'You like me! You really like me!' :-)

I also wanted to say big kudos to all my fellow entrants. It's harsh out there and putting your work on the public stage for everyone to comment on is never easy. But if you've hit that submit button, shout it out with pride. Or if you're not the shouty kind of person, be quietly pleased with yourself. It takes guts to put yourself out there.

This year has been horribly frustrating for my writing. I've felt like I've been standing still and not going anywhere for a large proportion of it. And I have to say, if not for my lovely CPs and blog friends, I would have given this whole thing away. Truly, without your support, I probably wouldn't have written that chapter. So I've instructed Hoo to whip up a bunch of chocolate martinis to show my appreciation (there are a couple of virgin ones in there for those of you who prefer your chocolate unadulterated. Please help yourselves, you deserve it. :-)

Feeling Sick

You know that person who handles stress well? Who is always calm in a crisis? The one who everyone turns to when the pressure is on? I am not that person. I am the person running around like a decapitated chicken trying to squawk through its neck. Or the one quietly throwing up in the corner.
As you may have guessed, I have accidentally pushed the 'submit' button on my chapter. I swear I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. So now IT girl is out there all by herself. Luckily she has her hero to keep her company though, hehe.

I'm not much of a 'everyone go and read my wonderful chapter, and vote, rah, rah!' type of person and I didn't want to even do an announcement that I'd entered but I suppose I kind of have to now since silence on it is pointless, not to mention telling. So by all means, if you like a contemporary, Modern Heat type of story then go and read, you may like it (though it's not up on the site yet as of 12pm NZ time). In a vague attempt at anonymity (and because I don't want to jinx my prospective pen name) I haven't subbed under Jackie Ashenden. Yeah, I'm probably the only person to sub their entry under their own name because they want to protect their pen name. Duh!

Right, so I'm now feeling sick as to what people will think, just like everyone else who entered. It required a bit of fiddling and I hope I pulled it off. It won't be to everyone's tastes but that's something I can do nothing about. I also had some formatting issues that would have made it easier to read but the site wouldn't let me use another font. Hope the stop-gap I used works! Anyway, I know it's not perfect and I'm not going to read it EVER again because if I do, I'll spot a million things wrong with it. But that's the way of writing huh?

Wow, Jackie, excuses much?? I will say that I really enjoyed writing it and as a writer, that's the best you can get (apart from a sale of course!).

This morning I told my daughter what I was doing and then, in my overly dramatic way, I said, "Everyone will probably leave comments telling me how much it stank!"
"No mummy," says my daughter, "everyone will probably leave comments telling you how much it stinks."

Moral of the story? Never fish for compliments from a nine year old no matter how desperate you are. :-)

So c'mon, anyone else enter?

PS: The chapter is called Talking Dirty with the CEO. I am a title dunce so don't hold that against it. :-)

New Voices!

I have a short post over on the Sister's blog about the New Voices competition. Think I actually may have talked myself out of it! Anyway, there's cyber drinks for all those entering and hand holding if required. Hoo is buying the drinks and offering tentacles if you need something to squeeze while you hit that send button.

Meanwhile, I'll just sit here and contemplate my chapter a while longer....sure is looking shiny....

I Swear....

Was really hoping I'd at least get some sort of verdict before the NV competition starts but, well, whaddya know, still no verdict. I have to say I've kind of given up on this story. It's dragged on so long that I've already said goodbye to it in my mind. Oh, I'll be gutted if I get another rejection on a partial (though personally, if I do, I'll be really annoyed because I think the synopsis is the best I've ever done and there is a story worth looking at there) but maybe it will be for the best. I worked really hard on this, perhaps too hard. After so many rewrites and rejigs, perhaps the freshness is gone and it's better to let it go.

On the up side, I have decided to give myself some goals with all the unfinished stories, with the aim of finishing them so I can try my hand at something a bit different. So, lovely blog friends, I hereby solemnly swear, upon my honour, to God and the Queen, that I will finish my soldier story by the end of September. I will also endeavour to have a polished partial and synopsis of IT Girl, just in case I get a request from the NV competition. Because yes, I am throwing caution to the winds and will be entering. If nothing else, it'll at least feel like I'm doing something positive instead of just waiting around.

Okay, so those are my goals for this month and by putting them on the blog, I must achieve them or - sob - lose face. ;-)

What goals do other people have for the new month? Other than world domination and/or selling your first book for millions?

Bad Habits

September already and, hey, whaddya know, I STILL have had no word on my sub. First subbed the synopsis of this story in October last year so if I don't hear this month, it will mean a year's wait for a verdict on a partial. So all those of you who guessed dates for the Very Soon Sweepstake are all out except Susan - who guessed September the 12th. I suppose my update nearly two weeks ago was kind of a response but I think I'll hold out for a final answer. Whenever that will be.

So what else am I doing? Falling into bad habits actually. I'm a serial starter - fall in love with a new story, write like crazy, get to chapter 4/5 and then, when the going gets tough, I stop. It's weird. I know what the conflict is, I know how it should be resolved, I know what the characters need to learn and I know how they're going to change, so what's stopping me? It's the how all of the above happens, I think. They have that lovely first meeting, that first attraction, the acting (or not) on the attraction and the consequences of that, and then I sigh and stop and think 'so what do they do now?'. Either one of the characters has to do something in order to drive the story along. Something that is based on their conflict, that isn't external, and it's always this action that stumps me. Or at least, I have to go for a long walk or have a long shower to think about where to go from there. I tend to get overwhelmed by craft at this point, worrying about how I'm going to make it worse for him, and then how that will make him change, or what that teaches him about the heroine, etc, etc.

Which is why at this point the lure of the new story calls. I have five books all in various stages of 'done-ness' and I have not finished any of them. Definitely falling into bad habits again. Need to find some discipline from somewhere and finish at least one of them. There is probably the element of the VoD in here, telling me that they're all crap and none of them are worth working on. Stupid VoD.

Alright, so what do you guys reckon? Here are your choices: the soldier's story, the eco-warrior story (conflict STILL not sorted), my computer developer (actually she might be on hold), my geologist/reunion story, and lastly my new story which I'll call IT girl. My soldier is closest to being done with 27k on the clock. Any suggestions?

Extra special PS:
Maisey's second book, A Mistake, A Prince and a Pregnancy is out today! Big woots! Go read it, it's fab!

Angry Birds

Okay so no, haven't had any news since that email from the ed last week. And am feeling frustrated today. The progress of this story feels somewhat akin to Chinese Water Torture and I'm wondering whether in April, when they told me the story needed to be rewritten, I should have just accepted the story wasn't right and subbed something fresh. But no, I had to go and prove that I could rewrite if they wanted me to. Just to show them I could. And what did I do? I wrote a good first chapter - yeah, they liked it - but somehow, in chapters 2 and 3 I broke it. I really, really thought that whatever failings there might be with the partial, at least it would warrant a request for the rest of it. But not even that is forthcoming.

Eight months on since I first subbed the synopsis to this story and I really wish I hadn't bothered rewriting it. But because I did, I've just prolonged the agony by another four months. The VoD is, of course, telling me it's an R. The VoD is telling me I can't rewrite, and not only can I not write a story they'll want to buy, I'll NEVER write a story they'll want to buy.

Honestly, today is a 'why on earth am I bothering with this sh*t?' kind of day.

Anyway, why the Angry Birds? Okay, well, this morning as I checked the email on the iPad and realised that there was no email from the ed (again), in my frustration and in a desperate bid to NTAI, I started up a little app called Angry Birds. It's a game where you have to fire a little bird from a catapult at an edifice that protects a little pig. Your aim is to crumble the edifice and pop the pig. It's horribly addictive and quite ridiculous. Sometimes the edifices are complicated and it takes forever to pop all the pigs and complete the level. Very frustrating. You see where I'm going with this? Yes, this stupid publishing journey of mine is a lot like playing Angry Birds. No matter how complicated the edifice you have to collapse, no matter if you've popped all the pigs but one, no matter how close you are, you still fail the level. And so you have to try again if you want to complete the game.

So here I am, still trying to complete the game. And I'm going to pop all those pigs if it's the last thing I do.

The Terrified Optimist

I always thought I was a glass half empty kind of person. But just over the past couple of days, I've realised that in fact, I'm not. I'm not even a glass half full kind of person. I'm actually a glass overflowing with the sparkling Waters of Immortality kind of person. I am, deep down, an over the top, complete and utter instinctive optimist. Except the problem with my optimism is that I'm terrified of it. Why?

Because I've always been a person who has very high expectations and the problem with high expectations is that you are inevitably destined for disappointment. And I've had a lot of disappointments. So to help cope with my over the top optimism, I have developed the Voice of Doom (hmmm, could be a good conflict here. I could put this in a story. Can't switch the writer off eh?). So when I send off a sub, the over the top, incurable optimist inside me is going 'what if they like this so much, they ring me tomorrow and offer to buy it??'. But this is bad because this will never happen, so up pops the Voice of Doom with, 'Idiot. Don't even think that. You'll be lucky if they don't reject it.'. And experience has backed up the Voice of Doom so I listen to it. I'm afraid of thinking good things about my submissions in case I'll be disappointed. Because if you expect the worst, then when it comes it won't hurt, right?

Which is why, when my CPs happen to tell me my latest chapter is great or that my idea for a new story is good, I go 'Thanks. I kind of like it. But I don't know whether the eds will like it or not'. That's the Voice of Doom talking down my OTT optimist who is bouncing around going, 'Yeah! I love it too! It's instant sale time!'. The VoD also fits in quite nicely with the Kiwi way of talking ourselves down all the time, so really, I can't win. The VoD wins every time.

Anyway, long way of saying the VoD was not helpful on Friday night when I received an email update from the ed about my partial. It wasn't a bad email but it wasn't a good email either. It was a 'something's not quite working with your partial and I'm getting a second opinion' email. The VoD immediately told me it was a rejection because the last time a second opinion was had, it was a rejection. And this time the OTT optimist is in the corner, lip wobbling, going 'what? How can something so brilliant not be working?'

Yeah, well, I don't know either. I thought I had done better than that but clearly not. Of course, since I subbed the partial, I've realised that there are pacing issues that need to be addressed and probably a bit more layering in needs to be done, but surely it's not that bad that it's another rejection? Does it have to be absolutely perfect and revision free in order to get a request for a full? And what about the synopsis? The last time I was asked for the full, I had a crap synopsis and a story with no internal conflict so does this mean my current sub is worse than that? Why is the ed being so hard on me?? Wahhh!!

*small violin plays tragic music*

You can hear the VoD assuming it's an R can't you? Fact is, it's an update, nothing more. It could mean an eventual R or it may be revisions. I won't know until I hear back. But I know I shouldn't compare this ms with ones that I've subbed before, or what happens with other people, but human nature being what it is, I do. And I wonder if I've really got what it takes after all.

I should probably stop before the VoD takes over completely but you should know that the OTT optimist hasn't been squashed utterly. As I went to the conference on Saturday morning wondering what on earth I was doing there since I clearly didn't have what it takes to be a proper author, a little voice inside of me was going 'oh well, better polish up Three Days in case it's an R. That has got to be the one'.

PS: in terms of the Very Soon Sweepstake, does this mean I've 'heard'? Or should it be in the final decision, whatever that may be?

Remembering the Affair to Remember - NZ Conference

Back from my conference marathon - the NZ conference has just finished and I'm now, officially, shattered. Think this conference was harder mainly due to the fact that I was the Registrar and was running around stressing that I had everything right. Was not helped by the fact that my useless spreadsheet skills had mucked up some of the pitch times... Argh!! Anyway, highlights...

Jane Porter gave a workshop on using your own experiences in your writing and also spoke on the importance of emotion in your stories. Weren't we lucky?? She is one fabulous woman, not to mention incredibly honest about her own life. I don't know if I'd be comfortable talking about my divorce with a bunch of strangers but she made everyone choke up when she did. I overcame my shyness to say hello (oh, okay, Maisey made me) but not enough to get her to hold Hoo while I took a photo. :-)

Another big highlight was the wonderful Natalie Anderson's workshop on writing great love scenes. Now, I like writing love scenes, I've been told I do them moderately well, and I thought I probably didn't need to learn anything about them. Oh the arrogance! Natalie gives great workshop and boy did I learn some things that although I kind of knew intellectually already, I suddenly 'got' in a way I hadn't before! Does that make sense? There was a particular piece of advice that clicked for me and that was about trying to think of one word that sums up the whole love scene. I over complicate things terribly so thinking of one word made it suddenly seem a whole lot simpler. And that word is the emotional underpinning for the scene itself. Your characters don't just involve their bodies in the scene, it's thinking of how they feel during it. It's not just about desire. Are they scared? Are they anxious? Are they relieved? And if so, how does this affect the way they make love? I've been struggling with my current WIP, wanting the love scene to go in a certain way and it's been difficult because I suddenly realised during Natalie's workshop that I'm forcing them to make love in a way they wouldn't because emotionally they're not ready for it. Woohoo! Of course, it means more rewriting but that's fine. Hehe.

What else? I met the very generous and lovely Rachel Bailey who gave me lots of fabulous encouragement and advice - can't wait to read her book! I also pitched to Dianne Moggy who told me to enter the story into the New Voices comp and was very encouraging about working with an editor.

There was heaps more but my brain has reached overload point and I probably need to go somewhere quiet and have a wee lie down (not to mention unpack my goodie bag!). :-)

More on Sydney

So, did I have any goss from the Aussie conference? Not as far as hot M&B goss goes and believe me, my ears did a lot of flapping. :-) Dianne Moggy, the Harlequin VP, gave a great talk about how well Harlequin was doing and did mention a new line that had a 'broader editorial direction' but there was no further info about that. I wondered if it was Riva she was talking about. Certainly the news I heard about Riva is that no one knows quite which direction it'll head in. Which, like I said in my previous post, is actually quite exciting. As far as I can tell, the same editorial guidelines remain in place but I reckon if you make sure your hero is alpha, your conflict is internal, and your story is character rather than plot driven, that does leave you with a lot to play with.

So what else? Editors were all saying 'we don't know quite what we want but we'll know it when we see it' which is - as always - very helpful! :-) The agents there made a good case for getting one. I wasn't thinking about an agent as Harlequin's contracts are all boilerplate but then again, an agent can help a little with nudging when you've been waiting a while. Very tempting to me at this particular point in time but from what I've heard, getting an agent is even harder than getting published so I don't know.

Went to a great discussion panel with lots of Blaze/Presents/Desire authors who were just a bunch of fabulous ladies. I asked a question about settings for Blaze and whether locations other than North America were acceptable and this seems to be okay, with the proviso that Blaze sells to a primarily North American market so nothing that's way too different. I also asked another question about acceptable language when it came to - ahem - love scenes. Seems to be what one author can get away with, another can't. All up to the editor I think. Best quote about that came from Sarah Mayberry who said that if you're going to use an expensive word then make it count!
Interesting since, in my opinion, MH heroes are supposed to be younger and I don't know about you, but all the young guys I know do not say, 'oh bother' when something isn't going their way. Even damn is waaaay too wussy. ;-)

I did get to speak to some other authors though, who were all without fail very, very lovely. One newly sold author had been writing and submitting for eleven years before she made her first sale this year. Each step on the request/revise process took six months. So I stopped whining pretty quickly. ;-) But her advice? Same advice as Hoo gives out and what I tell myself the times I'm not throwing myself on the ground in a tantrum - never, ever give up.
On that happy note, I leave you with a few more piccies:

Here we are in our finery for the cocktail evening. Becca, Rach and Janette are at the back while Miss Thing (moi) there is lolling at the front.


On the right is the Leah, Janette, Rach looking very glam, and some old biddy who decided to get in on the act. ;-)




And lastly, just in case you were thinking of giving up, here is Hoo. He's got a whip and he's not afraid to use it!

PS: No, no news!

Seednee!

Or Sudnuy (if you're a Kiwi). But, anyway, main thing is, after a fabulous week away in Australia, I'm back! Was hoping to post while I was away but was seriously hampered by the lack of decent wireless. What's up Australia? It's as bad as Kiwi-land and that's saying something. ;-)

Did lots of sightseeing stuff with the family (and that was very cool) but definitely the highlight was the RWAus conference in Sydney. And the best part of that was meeting up with two of my CPs, the wonderful and very talented Rachel Johns and Janette Radevski. Honestly, these are two fabulous women and meeting in real life was just such a wonderful thing. I also got to know some other extremely talented ladies such as Becca Heath and Leah Ashton, plus a whole lot of other wonderful women who write and love category. As you can see from the rather blurry photo of Janette, Rach and myself, many martinis were drunk... ;-)

The conference was also a fabulous opportunity to meet some truly wonderful authors. I got to speak to say hello to Kelly Hunter who is one of my favourite Modern Heats authors. I asked her what she thought about the changes coming up with the new Riva line and she thought it was exciting, a chance to do something really different. Scary, yes, for those of us who have followed the guidelines faithfully but personally I really like the thought of doing something different. It's certainly a challenge - one of the big things that most people at the conference agreed was that writing category was an artform.

And if course Hoo came too - he wouldn't miss it for the world. Here he is at the dinner with Oppo, who is a great friend of Becca's. Hoo and Oppo spent all night talking to each other - couldn't drag them away.

Lastly, because there is more but I'm tired and need to go to bed, I'll leave you with a wee pic of myself in my hastily pulled together cocktail evening costume. I'd heard the Aussies go all out and since Kiwis don't really do the dress-up thing much, I thought I'd better make an effort. So after a dash around Paddy's market, I threw together a look that was supposed to reflect Fantasy Island or your own private fantasy. I don't know quite what I was trying to achieve here - Debbie Harry crossed with Jackie Collins I think - but all were agreed that the wig was a hit. :-)
Anyway, more anon...

Very Soon Sweepstakes Update

The 'Very Soon' sweepstake is nearing the end of its first week and....sorry Janet who picked the 6th. No word for me this morning. :-( So, we'll be entering the second week on Monday so fingers crossed that one of you who picked this coming week will be right.

It's not the best week to be hearing to be honest. I leave for Sydney on Monday and I'm not sure I want to know while I'm on holiday/conference. Especially if I get an R. I kind of like to lick my wounds in private and I can see it putting a huge damper on my holiday. Wahhh, poor me. Dr Jax has promised to vet my email for me just in case and I will be complaining loudly and long to Rach and Janette (be warned guys!) so that helps too.

Anyway, I have no idea what the ed will actually say, but I have come to the conclusion that Modern Heat is one of the harder categories to break into. It's not a clear cut line like some of the others and I suspect, once the line changes to Riva and they see how its selling, the editorial direction may change. Not that I know or anything, just a suspicion. They have said they want 'different'. But what is 'different'? I think the New Voices comp is an indication that they themselves don't really know until they see it. They want public input from readers about people's chapters which I guess means that they want to see what kind of stories resonate with people and which won't. Scary huh?

Well, if there's one thing that I think matters with category as it is now, it's voice. There's not much in the way of originality in plotlines in romance but the way you CAN make it original is the way you write. And of course, including what the eds have recommended like new spins on old conflicts, 21st century issues, etc , etc. The trick is to do all that within the category guidelines. Who said writing category was easy again??

POTW - Angry Young Man

Marlon Brando. At Seven Sassy Sisters. Nuff said.

How Soon Is Now (Including Hot Love Scenes)

Getting a real theme going here with song titles as blog posts. And today's is courtesy of one of my fave late 80s, early 90s bands, The Smiths. Thanks Morrissey. It occurred to me because now is not soon. And 'very soon' is not now. So sadly Lacey, you're out of the running. :-)

But the rest of you are still in there. Better think of a prize!

Alrighty, so, what's happening writing-wise? I'm still writing my soldier story and liking it very much. Though I have to say, the love scene is in its second iteration which is a bit weird for me. Usually I try and get down that first draft as fast as possible because if I fiddle with it too much, I never finish it. So if something's not going right, I skip it and go onto the next scene. But I simply couldn't go any further until I'd got this at least semi-right because it does set the emotional tone for the rest of the book. And, yes, okay, I confess, I really, really like writing love scenes. There's something delicious (not to mention hot) about making your characters vulnerable to each other and seeing how each of them deals with that vulnerability.

And speaking of love scenes, here's something to make you jealous. I'm lucky enough to be going to a session at the RWNZ Conference,taken by the fabulously talented Natalie Anderson with tips on writing hot. Now if you've ever read any of Natalie's Modern Heat, then you'll understand why this woman knows what she's talking about. She can write hot like damn and woah. Can't wait to try out some tips on my characters! Hehe.

Anyway, the thing about love scenes is that they are relative. One woman's phwoar is another's ewww. I know this is a terribly personal question but what do you like in a love scene? No, not the details, but in general. Does lots of talking turn you off? Or do you prefer joking around? Do you even like reading them or skip them entirely? Me, I like lots and lots of sexual tension initially, then a really hot scene - not too short please! Oh and it must be sensual. Can't get into it at all if all five senses are not being utilised... ;-)