Jackie Lays the Blame

So there I was, nursing my disappointments, holding on to them really tightly. And feeling tired and burned out and like it was all too hard. And I was doing really well, had my 'giving up' speech all prepared, the towel fully ready to be thrown in.

And then some wretched people decided to write me some lovely messages. Write some lovely supportive comments on this sorry excuse for a blog. Encouraging, horribly motivating messages. So imagine my surprise when I found myself deleting my 'giving up speech'. Picking up my towel. And more than, that, sitting down at my useless computer (it is useless, believe me, I hate the damn thing) and finishing the stupid story I've been slaving over for weeks.

You're all to blame. It's completely your fault. I would have given up. Truly.
But I'm afraid you guys talked me out of it. 

So if you're sick of my moanings, my general carrying on about the vile hardships of being an unpublished writer searching for that lucky ten percent, my complaints about my characters, my tearings of hair and sackcloth and ashes when I get a rejection, then that's too bad. You've got only yourselves to blame.

And when - if! - I ever get that magic Call, you can fully blame yourselves for that too. God knows I will. Because you guys are pretty much the only reason I'm still here.

Well, okay, perhaps not that only reason. :-)  I quite like writing too. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep writing because I love it. Because, basically, no matter what I decide, even when I'm languishing on the couch vowing and declaring that I'll Never Write Again,  my brain decides to churn out another couple of story ideas. And if those couple of stories happen to turn up on editors desks then hey, nothing to do with me. I'm only writing because I like writing. Nothing to do with being published. Nothing at all. (okay, so it's a nice idea but I fear the execution may be harder than it looks).

Anyway, that's me. I'll be writing though perhaps not subbing. Still unpublished. But still here.

The Ten Percent

This was meant to be a fabulous motivational post for but since this week has been disappointing writing-wise, I've kind of lost any motivational type attitude. Not that I had much to start with.

This year has been a hell of a year. Lots of very, very hard stuff to deal with. Lots of hard work put in. Don't get me wrong, I've learned a lot and the few successes I've had have been wonderful. But the sad fact is that there aren't enough successes to balance out all the crap.

It all comes down to that ten percent. If getting published is 30% talent, 30% hard work, 30% persistence, then that last 10% is luck. And you might have all the above but if you don't strike that last 10% you may as well not bother. Now, I don't think I'm a bad writer. I have some lovely contest successes as testament to the fact that people like what I write. And also lovely comments on the chapters I've written for New Voices. I know people would like to read what I write. This year I've also put in a lot of hard work to make my stories better. Learning craft has been difficult for me, applying it even harder. But I think I've made progress. And I've been pretty persistent. I've written over 10 books in the past couple of years - some twice!

But no one will get to read them if you don't get the 10%. Luck. The right editor, the right story, the right time. Some people hit it straight away. Some people don't. Guess which group I fit into? I don't set out to write bad stories. Every time I write a story I'm wanting to blow someone's socks off. But sadly, for me, the socks have stayed firmly on. I just haven't hit that 10% yet. And the sad truth of the matter is this:  I may NEVER hit it. Because that's the beauty of luck.  

At the moment, I feel like I'm going into a casino and playing the slots. I have had a few wins to keep me going - small returns to give the illusion you're succeeding - but no jackpot. Sometimes I don't get any in a row. Sometimes three. Once, I had four. Yet I keep missing out. And I'm getting to the bottom of the change in my cup. I could go get some more of course, but my bank account is on zero. I'm a gambling addict, betting what little confidence I have in my writing on a change in luck that may never happen.

Okay, so it might change. You never know. You might give up right before it happens for you! Well, I can safely say that is not the case now. It will not be happening for me in the near future. So I could actually give up now, safe in the knowledge that for the next year at least, I wouldn't have missed out on anything.

And you know what? I just don't know if I can do another year. My change cup is empty and so is my bank account. I've written books I was so confident in I was all but writing out my sale story, only to end in rejection. I've written books that I thought would never get anywhere that have won contests. So now I can't tell what's good anymore and what isn't. My instinct has gone. The vacuum of being unpublished has sucked it all away.

I've always been an emotional girl. Up and down, that's me. Writing just makes the downs more intense because I actually care too much about this thing. And as for the ups...well, there haven't been many. I wish I could detach myself. I wish I had a hard skin and could shrug off the downs. Maybe if I'd built up to it I would have. But I started off really well so that when the downs came, my skin wasn't thick enough to cope. Still isn't.

Anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that at the end of the year, I'm going to have to sit down and reconsider whether I want to continue doing this. True, I haven't been doing this as long as many and if you've been doing this for years, I salute you.You are incredible people and I wish I had your staying power. But I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure I can keep gambling on the ten percent.

I was so hoping that my journey would end happily. That I would have a sale story to tell. But life doesn't happen that way. No matter how much we want something, no matter how much we think we deserve it, it doesn't mean we'll get it. Sometimes - unfortunately - there is no HEA.

In Which Jackie Waves a Big Stick

It's always the way. You come back from holiday and life kind of descends on you like the 1000 tonne ACME weight descends on the coyote from Roadrunner. Actually, I shouldn't complain (though I am, obviously), because spending four days down in Queenstown, in a beautiful hotel, isn't something to complain about. It's just the coming back that sucks. Especially when motivation to write is thin on the ground.

It's not that I'm not liking my story. I am. I'm loving writing it. I'm just having a 'what's the freaking point?' moment. The moment all unpublished authors get when there is no prospect of your story being accepted today, or tommorrow, or even at any point in the near future. When, in all probability, it will be rejected just like all the rest of your submissions. When no one cares if you finish it or not because you have no deadlines. No slavering readers desperate for your next title. You have no one except your CPs (if you have CPS) and though you love them dearly some days even they are not enough. 

Depressing.



So, any of you having the same problem as me? Are you feeling like there's no point finishing your story? Because if you are, if you need some motivation, if you need Jackie to wave a big stick and tell you to get off your butt and finish the damn book, let me know. Give me a deadline. And I'll write a blog post expressly designed to make you get those words down.

Why? Because I care. Because I want you to finish your book. I want you to edit it. I want you to submit it. Because after all, I am you. And if you don't, why the hell should I? :-)

The Joy of Rewrites

It should come as no surprise to any of you that my approach to writing is rather emotional (I approach the rest of life rather emotionally as well, not just writing but that's an entirely different story).
So when something is wrong with a story, EVERYTHING else is wrong too. The kids are a nuisance, the husband is a git, the house is a tip. Life itself becomes one giant pain.
But, on the other side of the coin, when the story is going right, EVERYTHING else is just fabulous. The kids are well behaved, the husband is a doll, the house is spotless. Nothing is a problem.

Anyway, as you can imagine from my last couple of posts, I have encompassed the full emotional spectrum due to my wretched stories and I'm sure my family would now like to lock me away if only for a bit of peace and quiet.

However, I'm sure they'll be relieved to know that - for the moment - I'm okay. Because I've just spent the entire weekend rewriting the beginning of the story that gave me such a wonderful 'aha' moment about the heroine. I knew it needed to be done because although the beginning I had was okay - my CPs liked it - I still felt funny about it. Couldn't put my finger on why. Couldn't really even articulate the specific problem. Perhaps there was too much setup. Too much going  on. Too busy. Whatever it was, I just had a funny feeling about it (cue the 'I hate the rest of my life too' moans).

Now, when it comes to rewriting, there are two schools of thought (or possibly more but I can't think of any others right now). You either don't need to rewrite as much as you think. Or you should rewrite entirely. Although the former can be very attractive after you've spent months crafting the perfect ms, the latter, for me at least, can be exactly what you need.

Maisey Yates gave me the best advice - rewriting entirely can help you break out of the cage you've written yourself into. It's hard but it feels like you're starting over and that can give you a lot of freedom. It was certainly the best thing for this particular ms. I rewrote chapters 2 and 3 completely. Different things happened.  They didn't go out, they stayed in. The kiss I had happening at the end of chapter 3 didn't occur. It was like writing a whole new reality for them. But the best thing was allowing myself the freedom to let the characters be who they were, not me trying to impose what I thought they should do on them (which, I figure, was the problem with the original iteration) or what was good for the plot I had planned.

Anyway, the sum total of this is that now, having rewritten, I no longer have that funny feeling about the beginning. It's not perfect and it may not be at all what the editors want. But it feels more true to the characters than the earlier one. In fact, it's a beginning I'm not sure I could rewrite again since what I've already got is IT.

In Chez Ashenden, all is now right with the world. At least until I run into the next story problem. :-)

So, when you run into a writing problem, what do you do? Pull your hair? Scream at the kids? Throw the computer through the window? Or rewrite?

Crash

It was inevitable. What goes up must, at some stage, go down. Yeah, the drug that was the character high has now worn off. Big time. Everything is as it was - crap. Oh, not entire crap because I still have had that great character revelation and I still feel good about it. I just need to rewrite the rest of the story. Completely.

So. Awesome.

I guess that's the 'wonderful' thing about writing. One minute you cannot believe the power of your fantastic brain. The next you cannot believe the power of your own ability to convince yourself anything you write is actually good.

And it doesn't help that - for the unpublisheds among us - we are essentially writing in a vacuum. Oh, we have critique partners and other people to read our work and give feedback but once we send that baby away, we're looking at months and months of waiting without any clue about whether we headed down the right track or whether once again, we've been gullible about what we've been writing.

We have no reason to keep going in other words. No reason to keep writing. Certainly no reason to keep rewriting. With no deadlines, no rabid fans clamouring to read your next book, nothing to keep you motivated, it's extremely hard to think of reasons why you should even finish the book you're currently writing (cos no one will EVER read it right??).

Sometimes loving writing just isn't enough.

So how do you keep yourself going when you're in the vacuum?  When you're doing nothing but waiting? When you're not sure if the stories you're writing are complete crap or genius? How do you keep the faith?
Any tips gratefully received!

Epic Moments - The Joys of Pantsing

Do you ever have moments when the scene you're writing suddenly becomes epic? When you know absolutely that THIS scene is a pivotal moment in your book? A scene that totally makes the rest of the story? A scene that is so powerful that you just know you're gonna have to rewrite the rest of the book because you didn't really understand the conflict of either character until that point?  

Well, I had a moment like that over the weekend. There I was, writing a love scene, and it suddenly began to evolve in a way I hadn't really considered before. An incredibly powerful way. It became a scene where conflict, character and romance all met and melded together perfectly. Where the love scene and the way it happened became so absolutely pivotal that if you took it out of the story, if had happened in another way, there would be no HEA (yeah, I know, ALL love scenes are supposed to do that but we won't go there). I don't think I've ever written a scene quite like it. And you know what? When I was writing it I thought 'man, this scene could sell the book'.

Now some of the plotters among you may be thinking, 'Jackie, seriously? You did not not see this coming??' And the answer to that is no, I did not. I guess it's a pantser thing. I mean, I knew the characters conflict before I started but I did not know the details and I did not know 'how' the characters would help each other resolve it. It's like breeding two distinct species of animal then putting them in a cage together and standing back to see what happens. 

Anyway, I gotta tell you, it's a rush. It's the kind of moment I live for when I write, and I haven't had too many of those lately. Especially good seeing as how the rest of the story has been a b*tch to write. It kind of made all the crap I was writing beforehand all worthwhile just to get to this particular scene. I may not sell the book of course but if not, it still would have been worth the experience of writing it just for this scene alone. Because if I can do it once, I can do it again. 

So, does this ever happen to you? Have you written scenes you can't believe you actually wrote? Or had a scene turn out so differently from what you expected that you're left sitting dumbstruck by the awesome brilliance of your own brain?? :-)

Nothing to Say So Here's a Picture of a Man Instead

Iam feeling generally unenthused about everything at the moment, most especially writing. Oh, don't get me wrong, I always write. Every day, mostly. But the writing has become a bit of a battle lately and nothing's going right.

So to save you all from a fantastic vent, I am posting a nice pic of a nice man instead. I've posted him before but I think he's worth a second glance. He is my inspiration for my chessplayer hero, which I am now in the process of rewriting from Riva to Presents. And considering how much easier it is to write as a Presents, it probably means I've been aiming this story at the wrong line.

Bah.

A Post About Rugby (No, Really)

If you had told me two weeks ago I would be writing a blog post about rugby I would have told you you were mad. I am not a ruby fan. I never watch it. I know the ball is oval, that you need to score a try to earn points and that you can earn more points by kicking a goal. I know that the big huddle of men on the field is called a scrum. But that's it. Up until yesterday, I didn't even know that the first five eight is a position, not the first man who's over 5'8. :-)

This is unheard of for a NZ'er. Especially during the World Cup. What world cup you ask? Well, the Rugby World Cup. It's kind of a big deal here because we've been hosting it (no, not me personally though I could use the $100 million or so revenue that's apparently been generated). Plus the fact that we are a really tiny country and rugby is just about the only team sport we can compete on the world stage and stand a good chance of actually winning. Which we did on Sunday night.

Now, as I said, I never watch rugby but it was difficult to get away from the final game since we were in it and we were supposed to walk all over poor, old France. In actual fact, France nearly walked all over us. I could not watch the game. Jackie, who actively dislikes rugby, could not watch it because I was too damn nervous. In fact, it was ridiculous how invested I was in this game. I played computer games while trying to ignore the howls from the living room, my little heart leaping every time there was a cheer.

What's this got to do with writing? Hang on, I'm getting there. Anyway, we finally won. By one point. And I was watching the commentary afterwards and hearing what they were saying and thinking, wow, this game is a little like writing for publication. The same nervousness (as you wait on a submission), the same grim determination to hang on when everything looks like another big rejection, the same sense of helplessness when the other team score....
And then the commentary started talking about this one, particular All Black. Two weeks earlier, Stephen Donald had been watching the cup on TV, having a beer and doing a spot of whitebaiting (fish, if you don't know what whitebait are). He wasn't in the Cup squad and had been told pretty firmly he wouldn't be either. And yet two weeks before the big final, due to injuries concerning other players, he got a couple of calls on his mobile - which he didn't answer because he was too busy with his whitebait. Eventually when he did, the news was that he had been called up onto the squad. Then on the night, after more injuries, and he was called onto the field. Then he kicked the goal that earned us the Cup. From zero to hero in two weeks.

The commentary afterwards talked a lot about Stephen Donald. About how, when you think it's all over, when the country has forgotten you, opportunities can come along and you can suddenly find yourself right in the middle of it again. That these opportunities come when you least expect them to. Apparently sport is full of these moments, but, from what I hear from other writers, writing is like this too. That right when you least expect it, when you've got your hundredth rejection, something comes round the corner that you never thought would happen.

I hope that's the case. Because right now, I'm feeling a little like Stephen Donald. I'm sitting on my couch with my beer (no whitebait though cos I hate fish. Okay and replace the beer with a martini, cos I don't like that either!). I'm watching the Cup on telly and cheering everyone else on, wishing I was there too and wondering if I've missed my chance. I hope not cos unlike Stephen Donald, I have been training really, really hard. And one thing's for certain - if the call ever comes, I won't be too busy fishing to answer it. :-)

Calm the $%* Down - Tips for the Over-Optimistic Writer

I am an optimist. No, really, I am. "But you run your subs down ALL the time!'' I hear my CPs shout. It's true, I do that. But that's just a cunning front. Because deep inside, I am an honest to God, genuine, over-the-top optimist. And not in a 'I think my sub isn't too bad and perhaps I might get a request for more this time' way. In a 'OMG, what if the editor loves this SO MUCH she calls me before she's even finished the first page and offers me a million dollar contract right there and then???' way.

It's giant pain in the butt. Every single time I send out a sub or enter a contest, this little piping voice is going "Hey hey hey! What if...???" And no matter how I try to ignore it, some part of me is nodding and thinking, 'yeah...wouldn't that be awesome?' So when I actually get the 'This submission is so bad, my dog could write it better than you'* letter it is GUTTING. Because although I tell myself it's fine, deep down I'm envisaging movie rights and Angelina Jolie in the title role. It sucks and so I have to stomp on this little voice because all the things its telling me are Never. Going. To. Happen.

However, the problem with this is that then you start sounding negative about everything due to the fact that you're constantly talking yourself down. And you don't really want to be doing that either. So what can you do about it? How to deal with the disappointment?

Well, I have taken the liberty of compiling a little list (warning, use at your own risk):

1. Knock your head repeatedly against a wall until a) the voice shuts up or b) you knock yourself unconscious.
2. Compromise. If it will stop telling you the editors are SO going to ring you at 3am to tell you how much they love it and are going to publish it RIGHT NOW, then you'll stop trying to tell it that in fact the editors will be sending YOU a request letter requesting that you never submit to them again.
3. Let it have its fun. Listen to its siren songs. Then go off and have as martinis as you need to forget you ever listened to it in the first place.
4. Stick your fingers in your ears, sing 'lalalala' loudly until you can't hear it anymore.
5. Book yourself into a nice little hospital for a nice little 'rest'.
6. Give into it. Believe everything it says. Then write rejection letters to publishers rejecting their rejections.
7. Pack it up in a box labelled 'Satan', push it to the back of your mind, and get lost in writing your next book.

Okay, so is this sounding as mad as I think it does? Or does anyone else out there have OTT Optimists that need settling down too?

*Not an actual quote from an actual rejection in case you were wondering.

The Dog Ate My Blog Post

Because school holidays have ruined my career as a wanna-be romance novelist, not to mention keeping this blog up to date, I'm taking the easy way out post-wise and directing your attention to the Sisters' site where I have a post about emotion up there. It's one I was going to do for here but since I forgot it was my turn to do a post and considering that dogs can't really eat blog posts (I don't have a dog anyway), I had no excuse but to sacrifice it to my Sisters. It's on emotion in conflict and also has a totally gratuitous picture of Magnum PI.

If that doesn't float your boat and music is more your bag, then go here where, for your veiwing pleasure the lovely Maisey Yates covers an Adele song. She can write, she can sing...Is there anything this woman can't do?? :-)

A Budgie Called Doris - The Perils of Backstory

I am consistently amazed by how little backstory you need in a first chapter. I know! Who'd have thunk it? But it's true. The reader does not need to know as much you think they do.

The reason I'm concerned with backstory is that I've been wrestling with the beginning of this chess ms and as I was reading over the last few iterations, I realised something. I've fallen into the old backstory trap too. As in detailing EVERYTHING that has led up to the moment my hero and heroine meet. Oh, I tried to kind of feed it in all subtle-like but there were still paragraphs of explanation. Paragraphs, people! And fundamentally none of those paragraphs needed to be there.

As a friend of mine shared with me last week, a bit of advice she had from somone else - you need to start the story when the water boils. You do not need to start with the heroine choosing the pot. Deciding whether to use hot or cold water. Finding the right top for the pot. Turning on the element. Putting it on the stove. Setting the timer....etc, etc. Get the idea?

It's very tempting to put everything in that first chapter. Because you know all about your characters and they're so interesting, you want the reader to be interested too. Plus you think it's vital that the reader knows the set-up otherwise how will they understand what's going on? Actually, readers (and I say this completely as a reader) are very forgiving with setup. If the story grips them immediately, they're not going to worry about why the bad guy is chasing the hero. Or why the heroine's company is going down the tubes. They'll trust you to explain it eventually. All they need to know is that the bad is chasing the hero and that the heroine's company is going down. What they want to know is what does the hero/heroine do about it? At least, that's what I want to know.

Say, for example, you have a hero whose major conflict is that he had a budgie called Doris who died in a tragic birdbath accident because he left her cage open once when he was a boy. He never got over it and now he refuses to love anything for fear of losing them and also has a terrible fear of water. Now, say your opening chapter starts with his goal of wanting to buy the heroine's bird sanctuary. But she doesn't want to sell for reasons of her own. Now, you could start this with the hero talking to a colleague about how he's tried to buy up all the bird sanctuaries in the area but hasn't managed to land this one. Or you could start it with the hero musing moodily out the window about how this tricky heroine has manage to elude him yet again. Or you could start it with him looking in the mirror and reflecting on how handsome everyone tells him he is but he doesn't think so but he kind of likes the way the light shines on the artfully messy spikes of his blue-black hair ( do NOT do this one btw).
Or you could start it with the hero having to row a boat over a lake to get to the heroine's house so he can talk to her in person.
Hint: three of these starts are detailing putting the pot on to boil. One of them is the pot boiling.
In the fourth, in one fell swoop, you have the hero trying to overcome a fear (conflict) to get the sanctuary (goal) because he's a perfectionist and he has all the sanctuaries in the area and this is the last one on his list (motivation). You don't need to go into the reasons why this is. All the reader needs to know is the above. Of course they'll be thinking 'why is he rowing?' 'Why can't he just call her?' 'Why does this matter to him?' But that's all stuff that will become clear in the story as you go on.

Anyway, that's probably a very bad example, but I reckon a good excercise to do is to take out ALL the backstory in your first chapter, then read it as if you don't know these characters or their story. Then put back only what you need in order to make sense of it. Nothing else. The rest you can feed in as and when you need it later.

Easy eh?

*Jackie rubs hands as another writing problem is easily solved* * contemplates rejections*
*gives up and tries macrame instead*

That Ole Emotional Connection Type Thing Again

When I was a baby author, I really liked my characters to fight ALL THE TIME. Why? Because I liked the angst and conflict and the torment and the anguish. It was awesome, plus I got to write hot, angsty love scenes which is always a bonus. Unfortunately there was also a problem with this approach. Like, where is the freaking romance here???

Angry, fighty scenes are all yummy and angsty and delicious but if there's too many of them, you start to wonder why these two people are together if they hate each other so much and/or you just know their HEA is going to last all of five seconds. That, people, is not a romance. That is a soap opera.

Now, I'm not dissing soap operas here but if you want to write a good romance, you can't have fights and angst all the time. You have to have some moments where the characters love being together. When they make that all important emotional connection that tells the reader that these two are made for each other and when they sort out their issues, they will be together forever. And not in a 'eat every meal in total silence cos they can't think of anything to say to each other' kind of way, but a 'still having lots of nookie way into their 80s' kind of way. :-)

Anyway, the reason I've been thinking about this is because I've hauled out my chess ms with the idea of submitting in a contest and am wrestling with the beginning of it. I've rewritten the first three chapters of this wretched thing 50 million times already and it still isn't right. Why? Because it's a one night stand story and I just have NOT been able to nail down the emotional connection. When you find yourself writing paragraphs of justification and reasons for the heroine to sleep with the hero, you know something isn't going right. In fact, I figured that if couldn't write down her motivation in one sentence then I needed to stop writing until I could!

Now, I reckon emotional ONS stories are very difficult to get right. It's easy to get them to have the sex but to get two complete strangers to connect on an emotional level? Nup. Because what has to happen, in order to get that emotional connection going, is that both your characters have to drop - at least momentarily - their armour and be who they truly are with each other. You know that Michael Hauge thing about essence and identity? That essentially characters hide who they truly are behind a mask? What I mean is that in order for them to connect, each of them has to drop that mask. But because a ONS happens usually at the beginning of the book, it's actually very difficult for them to do that because as far they're concerned, they don't wear a mask. Their identity IS their true self (and I'm not talking dropping it all the way, I'm talking glimpses here. Flashes that intrigue and fascinate the other character enough that their emotions are engaged). Grrrr!

The other thing you have to get right in order to get that emotional connection is motivation. There is debate about whether guys need less motivation - it probably depends on the hero - but like it or not, the heroine has to have it (I know, I know, double standards). And it has to stem from something emotional, something to do with her conflict, because otherwise it'll end up being 'woohoo, sex!' which isn't bad if you're writing for Blaze. But it is if you're writing for some of the other categories (and hey, I know, I've got the Rs to prove it).

The reason this particular story has been difficult is partly because of the type of people my hero and heroine are, and partly because earlier, I didn't actually know them well enough. I knew their identities, but not the people they were inside. And without knowing that, I couldn't get them to connect on a deeper level. It was a bit like I'd taken two random strangers, put them in a room together and told them that they were hot for each other and could they make love now please. So not happening in other words.
It didn't help that my hero is not wanting sex at this particular time in his life and he's also EXTREMELY guarded so getting him to drop his mask for a bit (not to mention his trousers) was very, very difficult. Weird, I know. I eventually had to change the setup so he met the heroine at a moment in his life where those guards were perhaps lower than they would be normally. And then, because he wasn't into casual sex at that particular moment, I had to figure out what it was about the heroine in particular that affected him because mere sexual attraction was not enough for him (yes, he's a pain in the butt). But in order to know those things, I had to know him.

All in all, it was a very tricky business and no wonder I had difficulties at the start. Because what I was trying to do was make two people who would walk through boiling lava rather than admit to an emotional connection, have a bloody emotional connection!

But then isn't that what makes writing fun? Making our characters worst nightmares come true in the nicest possible way. :-)

So, what's the hardest thing you've ever made your characters do? And when I mean, 'you made' I mean that they did it themselves because of course you would never, ever, make your characters do anything... :-)

The 'I Hate My Story' Syndrome

I've got a general theme this week - first my stupid process and now I'm hating my stupid story. First draft blues in other words. I should know by now that at a certain point in the first draft - usually about 3/4s of the way through - I start to doubt everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. The characters, the conflict, the plot. Everything sucks. Sucks in a 'I can't stand this stupid thing, what's the point even writing it?' way.

I don't know why this happens but without fail it happens to every single story.

And I'm at that point now with the WIP. It feels like there's vital bits of conflict still to put in and I'm at 35k already. Vital bits of backstory. Conversations the hero and heroine still haven't had. I'm worried that the character arcs won't be clear enough. Have I put in enough 'romance'. Are the motivations clear. Does my plot actually work....

Basically it just sucks. Inevitably, once I've finished, I read back over it and I realise it's actually not as bad as all that but having to go through this particular doubting process is SUCH a drag. It's at times like this where I wish I was a first-time right kind of writer. Where your first draft, with a once over lightly edit, is pretty much the finished product. But I'm not, I'm a 'spew all your words down first, then edit the crap out of it later' kind of writer. And right now I'm thinking that there's way too much crap to edit out.

Maybe it's just the mood I'm in. Maybe my story really actually does suck bigtime. Maybe I need to bin the whole thing and start again.

So does anyone else have this syndrome? What do you do to keep yourself writing? Any hot tips???

Stupid Process

Yeah, well, sometimes my process is stupid. Why? Well, I've been doing again what I swore never to do - moving my characters to suit my plot. Gah! It's so insidious. You have a great idea for a scene perhaps mid-way through the book and because you love the idea of this scene so much, you start moving your characters towards it instead of letting it evolve naturally. At least that's what I've been doing. You'd think I know by now that when suddenly all the scenes get very hard to write and I feel like I'm wading through wet cement, it's a sign I'm pushing my characters not the other way round. But no, it's like 'Why is this scene so hard to write? Why aren't they doing what they're told? Why can't I get that lovely, flowy thing going? Argh!' *chucks keyboard across the room*

Sigh.

This is what happens when a die-hard pantser has to plot. Or when an impatient writer is desperate to write the 'good bits'.

I think for a lot of the past year, I've been trying to get back to the way I used to write. Which was having no idea for plot etc, just writing as it comes, finding out what was going to happen when my characters did. Which was fine. Until it came to revising something and then I realised that actually, craft wasn't there just to confuse me and make me feel annoyed. It was there because if you want to work with an editor and possibly get published, you kind of have to know the nuts and bolts of how to put a story together. Certainly you have to if you want to stay published. The problem with learning craft is that it can get in the way of how you write. You're so worried about conflict/character arc/structure etc, etc, that it can act as a barrier and totally kill your spark.

The mss I wrote last year were a case in point. It's like weaving a tapestry that you used to do totally by instinct and now you actually have to look at what you're doing. Make sure you've got enough blue threads, not too many reds, put in a bit of green, but watch out for too much yellow. Oh and not forgetting that you need a little bit of purple because ahead there's a design you want to do that has LOTs of purple in it so you have to put it in now. And because you're worrying so much about all the different threads, before you know it, your lovely weaving is just a paint by numbers job, not a fabulous, organic, creative bit of art.

Anyway, the point of this is that I need to get to a point where I can incorporate the craft I've learned, with my instinct. And that means not pushing your characters forward because you want to write a really good argument/love scene/black moment. Or because you need to get them to this point so you can have this particular scene (you would not believe the problems I had trying to incorporate a strip chess scene in my Chessman ms. It was SO hard. In the end I took it out because I realised my characters were trying to tell me something - they didn't want to play bloody strip chess!). For me I need to be with them in the moment, not think about what more I have to do for their characters arcs or how I'm going to work out their conflict etc etc. If I know my characters well enough, it'll work out. I have to trust my instinct more. Oh and probably stopping being so damn impatient would help too!

So, anyone else learned anything interesting about their process?

FOMO

Okay, confession time. I have been avoiding New Voices. Yep, totally and completely avoiding it. Why? Weeeeelllll, long story and one I'm not going to share on this blog but it was part of why last year was the Annus Horribilis of my writing career (can I call it a career when I'm not actually being paid for it??). Anyway, the problem with avoiding something this big is that...well....you actually can't avoid it. Especially when you have a bad case of FOMO. Not heard of FOMO? It's Fear Of Missing Out. :-)

So, I've got this FOMO thing going on and there are so many great writers out there who have entered and I am feeling so bad for not going and reading the entries...

I think I probably need to man up and at least go have a look. I'll never be able to read all the entries but I should go and read those of the people I know (sorry guys, I am a BAD friend).

As for entering myself... Well, last year people really liked my chapter and I was beyond thrilled at the feedback. But the sad fact of the matter was that it didn't get anywhere. And I have an inkling as to why after several people let me know - in the nicest possible way - what the problem with it was.

No conflict.

Oh, I had conflict. I had bags of it. But did I put it in that first chapter? No I did not. Neither did I give either character any discernable, obvious goal. They had nothing to fight for, nothing to make what they were doing matter either for them or the reader. And without a goal there is no momentum. The characters are just standing around talking. Sigh. I guess, if nothing else, I can be proud of the fact that even with that dreadful faux pas, everyone STILL really liked it. :-)

It's not a mistake I'll make again. I still don't know whether I'm entering this year or not. I have a chapter I'm working on that is NOTHING like my last year's chapter . But one thing it WILL have is conflict.

So here's my avoidant New Voices advice to you for what it's worth:

Make sure your conflict is there in the first chapter. Give your characters a goal, something to fight for. Make it matter. Make it simple and make it obvious.

Easy, right?

The Rules

I've got some Rules to follow over at the Sassy's site if you're interested. All about how to include alien motherships in Presents. (not really).

Synopsis Love

I know, you wondering how that's even possible. Because there is NO FREAKING WAY to love writing a synopsis. And actually, it's not that I love writing synopses (I don't, I hate 'em) or that I'm any good at writing them (Nup, not that either) it's just the past two synopses I've written have been the easiest ever. They weren't even two pages!

So what's my secret? Well, I kind of don't want to say in case it proves that I am wrong, wrong, wrong. And also there really isn't a secret (except some good advice from Maisey Yates). It's a case of learning to let go the details of the story and focus on what is really important - the development of the romance and the character arc. I know, it's hard to figure out what are 'details' and what aren't. If you include this bit, then that means you have to include that and before you know it, you've got one page just on the first chapter! (my hint is if you think it's a detail, it probably is. So leave it out!).

In fact, in many ways, for me it's easier to write a synopsis for a story I haven't written yet. Because that way, there are no details to bog me down, plus it's great for figuring out whether your conflict works or not. Nothing like getting halfway through a synopsis and realising that your characters don't have enough conflict. Or that what you thought was the conflict, isn't what they thought.

But anyway, why were these ones so easy to write? Because I did totally leave out any extraneous details apart from the external conflict that brings them together. The rest is just how broadly the romance develops - their first impressions of each other. How that makes it worse for them. How they find connection. How that connection makes it worse. What they do about that. Why that doesn't work. And then the change they have to make in order to be together (the resolution of the conflict). The turning points of the story, etc, etc.

Now this could all be entirely wrong of course and in fact my synopses are crap! But at this point, taking an hour or two to write one instead of the usual three days, with another two for hair pulling and complaining, is AOK with me.

And just to show you I'm not all about how wonderful my synopses are (not), I am also going to include this little linky thing here (Sonny Bill Williams and his ripped shirt). I am not a rugby fan but since the Rugby World Cup is happening in my neck of the woods (American visitors, please visit this link hehe), I thought it pertinent to gift to the world a small incident that actually made me watch part of a game. I think the person behind the camera must have been a woman...:-)

Distracting Myself From Pressing Send

It's subbing eve. Soon I will have two stories out there. Soon I'll be back on that big 'ole rollercoaster, viewing my inbox with trepidation, nay with horror. But what's a girl to do?

I had two really great pieces of advice when I confessed my subbing fear at the Auckland chapter group meeting last week. The first from the lovely Nalini Singh (namedrop, namedrop) who suggested getting out all the lovely things people have told me about my writing from contests etc and re-reading them. The second was from the also very lovely Yvonne Lindsay (more namedropping) who asked me whether I thought people deserved to read my stories. And my gut feeling was....hell yes!

Anyway, to distract myself from subbing fear, I am reading a book called One Day by David Nicholls. Not only is it a romance it is also awesome. At least so far - I haven't finished it yet. It charts the relationship of two people over the space of twenty years by concentrating on one day every year. So far the two protagonists are best friends (they start off as lovers) and as friends-to-lovers is my favourite trope in the whole wide world, I am loving it!

In fact, it's the story I wanted to write back when I was still a baby writer. In fact, I did kind of write it. Before I decided to concentrate on publication, the last story I wrote was a friends to lovers story over the space of twenty years. Coincidence? I think not!
However sadly the twist of writing one day every year didn't occur to me. And I suck at literary writing. And although I loved writing it and still adore the characters, there was SO much wrong with it it's not funny. For a start it's over 300k long. Then there's the fact that the heroine had no conflict. The hero did though I didn't explore it. There's also infidelity (hero/heroine), mountain climbing, a threesome (hero), drug taking (hero), lots of cussing, almost rape (heroine), overdoses (heroine plus others), ectopic pregnancy (heroine) and death by pulmonary embolism.

It was awesome.

Perhaps I should get it out, polish it up and send that out too. :-)

When You're Afraid of Your Own Story

Alrighty, I have now finished the partial requested by Mills and Boon, and also the full I need to send to to Carina. All I need to do is a final polish on both and then a synopses each. Easy.

Well, okay apart from actually writing the synopses.

And the HUGE subbing fear that is currently lurking around in my brain.

Yep, easy all right.

I think this might be a good time to remind myself of the speech Jane Porter gave at the close of the Romance Writers of Australia conference. She was incredibly inspirational and what she said really struck home to me at the time. She spoke about how long it too her to get published and the ups and downs of the industry. Then she then went on to describe a little incident with her son about how he was learning how to play baseball and how his coach was talking to him as he prepared to hit the ball, how the coach was telling him he owned the ball, this one was his, this one had his name written all over it, he could do it. The kid struck out about three times but the coach was constantly telling him how he could do it. How he could hit this one out of the park. And on the third time he did it.
She mentioned this in the context of how wonderful it is to have support when you're doing something hard, but I got something out of it that was a little different. Because it gelled with something else that someone had told me earlier on in the conference - that we are the experts in our stories. No one else knows our stories like we do. No one else knows our characters like we do.

And I thought to myself that yep, I'm that kid. I'm standing there with a bat in my hand. And that ball? That ball is my story and I've been afraid of it. Afraid I'll get it wrong somehow, that my characters will be wrong, that my conflict will be wrong, that my plot will be wrong. And for the past year, I've been kind of taking punts at the balls that keep being thrown at me, but I'm so afraid of them, I don't even try swinging. Because deep down, I'm not sure I can hit them.

I am not owning my stories. They are owning me.

Well, at the end of her speech, Jane spoke about not giving in to despair. That your journey is your own, it's not anyone else's. That all you've got is you - but that's the biggest strength there is.

And I thought 'yeah, she's bloody right'. I need to stop giving in to despair. Stop being afraid of my own stupid stories. Stop letting them own me. Because I am the expert here, not them. I write them, they don't write me. I own them. They're mine. And the more I own them, the greater the chance will be that I'll hit one of them out of the ballpark.

It may not be the ones I've just written. But one day, one of those stories will, literally, have my name written all over it.

So there, inspirational speech/pep talk/coach for the week. Just remind me of it when the time comes to hit send! :-)

RWNZ Conference - The Musical

Okay, so no, I'm not going to sing (you lucky people!) But after the conference I certainly feel like it. The passing of Sandra Hyatt cast a pall - how could it not? - but I'm sure she won't mind if I pass on some of the good things that came out of the conference. And there were some extremely good things.

1. My pitch to Lucy Gilmour. I'd won the First Impressions Contest #2 and my prize was the pitch. And since she'd already read and judged the first 1k of my story, we didn't really talk about it much. In fact we ended up about me and my writing (poor Lucy)! Anyway, she was lovely and so encouraging that I felt like getting down on my knees and paying homage. :-) Rather OTT I know but she laid to rest a great many fears I had. The end result anyway is that they're extremely excited about my Modern partial and are impatient to see it. Only hope I don't break it the way I broke the Hammer Pants ms.

2. My pitch to Angela James. Who loved it and asked if I had the ms with me. She was just joking of course but she was really keen which makes me really keen too. Now I just have to finish rewriting the end so I can send it to her.

3. Dinner where I got to sit beside the fabulous Natalie Anderson (Hoo took rather a shine to her as you can see), who wore her Adidas tracksuit (theme was the Rugby World Cup) complete with sparkly heels, and who had the best hair. She was wonderful company and made me swear that I would enter my next five - yes, you heard right - manuscripts into NZ's Clendon Award. I promised one. ;-) Anyway, go buy her new book because she's a fab author and lovely lady. Yes, buy it I tell you!

4. Molly O'Keefe. Who liked my hair. And gave one of the best ever workshops on conflict. It was so inspiring she even had a few lightbulbs herself and had to go off to jot them down. :-) Seriously, she was wonderful. A few highlights were having at least three facets to your character's life in your plot, and at least three scenes scenes for every facet. The first establishes it, the second raises the stakes, the third resolves it. She also gave a great run down on hooks and how to tweak them for that all important 'unpredictability factor'. Basically the way to do that is to think about why people love to read, say, a 'secret baby' story. Think about what people expect to have happen, then think about how you can tweak it so that it's different to what people expect.

5. Bob Mayer gave an awesome talk on how to write a great synopsis and also marketing of your book. The possibilities given social media are pretty endless and repetition seems to be key. The main points really are that only you can sell your book. No one else is going to do it for you.

6. Wearing my contest rosettes. In NZ, if you final or place in a contest, you get to wear rosettes and after a few conferences of a sadly bare chest, it was finally my turn. I had two! I had to be careful of their placement. ;-)

7. Collecting my certificates for my contest placings from Lucy Gilmour on the stage. Yeah, I know, but hey, I'm celebrating my successes here, no matter how small.

8. Spending time with the lovely Amanda Wilson and Cody Young.

9. Meeting more fellow writers who are also riding the roller-coaster with me.

10. Going home and finally being able to sleep without a million things scrambling around in my brain!

Anyway, I haven't really done justice to some of these things and that's mainly because when I got home and read through my notes, I realised they were hopeless. It's been a long time since my university days and clearly I suck at note-taking.

I haven't finished up my spiel about the Aussie conference either but since Jane Porter gave the most inspiring closing speech ever, I might save that for a seperate blog post. And besides, I'm pretty damn tired - two conferences back to back, especially when circumstances are tragic, are pretty full on.

Hope everyone else has been doing okay. Thanks also for your lovely comments re my last post on Sandra. It's going to take a while to sink in, let alone get past (not that you ever really do).