I'm going to do a flat-out amazing and thought provoking post on mother guilt today, because you know, I haz it. Summer holidays here and I have edits I have to get in to the editor in the next two weeks. Then I have to write the third book in my Entangled series which is due April. And in between those two things I'll have edits for the second Entangled book - which I predict will be major because man, I found that book a struggle. And then I'll have further line edits for my first Entangled book because that's still set for a May release and they have to be done by March. And probably in March/April I'll get edits for my July Samhain release. Oh and I'll be releasing Finn in Feburary so there's that too...
I'm going to be busy in other words. I'm going to have to take work away for our holiday at the end of January too because when the kids are home from school, I can't get much done and have to write when Dr Jax is around. Ergo taking work away on holiday.
I feel guilty for doing that. Guilty because you're not supposed to work on a family holiday. And I feel doubly guilty because actually, I love what I do so it's not really work for me.
This is where having a job that is also a passion can be difficult because people don't understand that working makes you happy. Yeah, I take time off, of course I do, but working also keeps me sane. I'm also at the beginning of my career, where I'm making a name for myself, and that takes time and it takes work. Like when you set up a new business, you have to channel a lot of time and energy in it to get it up and running, so too with writing.
You see what I did there? I justified myself. Because I feel guilty about it.
I feel guilty for feeding my kids ready-made food because I hate cooking and want to write instead.
I feel guilty about my house being a tip because writing is more important than cleaning.
I feel guilty about writing during the holidays instead of doing lots and lots of stuff with the kids.
And I feel guilty about enjoying what I do.
Really, there is no end to the guilt.
Being a mother working from home, is hard because, well, you're at home.And being a writer makes it even harder because isn't it just a hobby? I can ring you anytime during the day or drop round for coffee because hey, you're at home and you're only writing. And man, it's just romance, right? It's not like that's even important.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd get these guilts if I was a man. I know some men would and that father guilt can be just as awful as mother guilt. But you know, people judge mothers way more harshly than they judge fathers. And I can't help wondering how people would view a man working on 'serious' literature, or hey, even just a man working hard to feed his family. Maybe they'd find that just as egregious or maybe they'd be okay with that because that's what men are allowed to do.
I don't know. People are weird and I don't have any solutions to my guilt.
All I do know is that writing makes me happy. And I shouldn't have to justify doing something that makes me happy to anyone. Happy mother, happy family right?
12 comments:
Dump the guilt!
Kids can earn an awful lot from seeing a parent working hard and achieve stuff. A lot of kids (especially teenagers) actually like ready made meals. Most kids don't care about living in a tip either because the mess is mainly theirs anyway.
I tell mine I love them every day and make sure I kiss them at the beginning and the end of each day too. No guilt. :0)
Jackie
This post resonates completely with me.
I swim in an endless sea of guilt especially in the holidays and maybe even more so because I'm not even published so why can't I just step away from the computer in the holidays?
Well I know the answer to that. I have a dream and I want to pursue it and I need to write to do that.
AND I suspect my children are ecstatic at the extra hours they manage to swing on Mine craft, computer, IPods and television. AND I tell myself that pasta is a versatile food and as long as its served WITH vegetables and a glass of shop bought smoothie its OK. As for the house clutter and dust are part of family life.
Justification? Me?
Sigh. I have no solutions either.
Nina xx
Ugh. Mom guilt. You feel it when you work, when you go on vacation, when you're with the kids, and then you feel it if you DON'T feel it enough. At least I do. This sort of vague gnawing sensation that I'm somehow letting people down.
I will say, this HAS decreased the more important my writing income has gotten to the family (hey kids, do you like having your house? Mommy has to work.) But time spent away? That's rough. I feel guilty most especially when I'm HAPPY to go away on a trip. So...when I don't feel guilty enough. Traveling is the really hard one for me still...
This is a very thought provoking post, Jackie!! Totally agree that society, and inside, we judge ourselves harsher than fathers...I think we have to define how much guilt we can handle w/o crumbling under it, right? Because it's really never going to go away..
I'm having a diff problem because I work a day job-32 hrs a work so any writing I do is in evenings and weekends and it's beginning to make my 4 yo and me unhappy...
Because I know she misses spending time with me and I miss spending time with her too...
And it sucks the joy out of writing for me because I don't want to wake up 1 day and realize I've missed stuff with my kids...
So yeah I've been thinking of reducing my dayjob hours a little more or quitting...Will make a decision by the end of the year...
And then YAY! :-)
I hope you find the balance that works for you...
Rachel - Oh, I know. This is true. And I think it's especially true for daughters to see their mothers following their passion. And VERY true re the tip! Lol! Yep, I do that. I make sure I spend some part of the day with them and they know I love them. :-)
Nina - Yes, you do. And your dream is important. Lol re the Minecraft and TV! Well you know, I think it helps knowing other people feel this same thing. And they go ahead with their dream anyway.
I'm sure your kids would rather having a happy mother right?
Maisey -Oh, yeah, the NOT FEELING GUILTY ENOUGH! No, I must feel MORE guilty!! You must LOATHE your work!! Insidious eh? I feel less guilty now I'm published and this is a job. And since Dr Jax goes off many times to do his work stuff, I don't feel guilty about the couple of conferences I attend each year. Then again the family usually comes with me. But maybe not this year...
Sri - yeah, I think part of the problem is ourselves. We do judge ourselves so harshly. Awww, big hugs to you on your day job. That makes it even harder, right? Best thing I ever did was leave my day job. But that's not an option for some people, I know.
Yeah, it's finding the balance that can be difficult. It's got to be there somewhere! :-)
Rachel - Oh, I know. This is true. And I think it's especially true for daughters to see their mothers following their passion. And VERY true re the tip! Lol! Yep, I do that. I make sure I spend some part of the day with them and they know I love them. :-)
Nina - Yes, you do. And your dream is important. Lol re the Minecraft and TV! Well you know, I think it helps knowing other people feel this same thing. And they go ahead with their dream anyway.
I'm sure your kids would rather having a happy mother right?
Maisey -Oh, yeah, the NOT FEELING GUILTY ENOUGH! No, I must feel MORE guilty!! You must LOATHE your work!! Insidious eh? I feel less guilty now I'm published and this is a job. And since Dr Jax goes off many times to do his work stuff, I don't feel guilty about the couple of conferences I attend each year. Then again the family usually comes with me. But maybe not this year...
Sri - yeah, I think part of the problem is ourselves. We do judge ourselves so harshly. Awww, big hugs to you on your day job. That makes it even harder, right? Best thing I ever did was leave my day job. But that's not an option for some people, I know.
Yeah, it's finding the balance that can be difficult. It's got to be there somewhere! :-)
great post Jackie!
I haven't come across that yet, because writing is a hobby right now.
Seeing it from the outside - kids don't care about dust and mess - they create most of it! Maybe tell them they have to help, then some of that guilt is on them?!
As to the guilt of being an at home mum, working from home - those who don't understand don't know you.
You are wonderful, giving your children a person to live up to - to follow their dreams!
I'd get the kids (age dependent) to help cooking on a Sunday or something. Do a bulk cook and freeze meals for the week. They are then helping, and have a say in what they will eat for the week - the job is just then to defrost the heat!
Take care and don't feel guilty!
Ugh. The mom guilts! I've been dealing with that a lot lately and trying to kick it to the curb.
This past October and November, I was in the middle of a fast draft class where you write as much as you can for two weeks. I thought I was handling it all well when I got an odd call from my son's teacher. She asked very seriously I was if I was having emotional or financial problems.
I was sitting on the other end of the line thinking "what in the world?" when she mentioned that I had sent my son to school with a dirty uniform. A light dawned.
I explained to her that he had slept in his Halloween costume (we're Americans and this was the day after Halloween) and I had to bribe him out of it and into his uniform by using a mini chocolate bar as a treat. When the bus came, he hadn't finished it, so I sent him off to school with it rather than cause a scene. I had already explained all this in my daily note to her (since my son is autistic and primarily non verbal), but she saw a stain on his shirt and assumed the worst before she even read it.
I'm not saying this was my most shining moment as a parent, but I do think it falls well within the "just trying to make the best of it."
From her tone, it was clear this explanation was not good enough for her and I got off the phone slightly terrified the next time my son went to school with so much as a smudge on him she would call children's services.
I'm embarrassed to say I let this bother me far more and for far too long than I should have. I really thought long and hard if I should be writing at all.
Ugh. Thanks for sharing that you struggle with it.
Kerrin - yeah, I know the kids don't care. Just as well eh? And thanks re the Mum stuff. We just do the best we can huh? Oldest girl is 11 so I reckon she can do some cooking. Hey, she made me pancakes for breakfast..:-)
Jill - huge hugs. It makes you feel crap eh? If it makes you feel any better, my daughter's school uniform has stains on it that will NEVER come out. But I'm not buying another one (too expensive) so she just has to wear it. Oh and my youngest daughter goes to school with holes in her leggings. Never had a call from the school and I'd be shocked if they did quite frankly! We're a lot more laid back here in NZ I think. :-)
Don't worry in other words.
I had to pop back in because...ugh, Jill! That's awful. My son is autistic too and it seems like he's always got something sticky on him. And he always wants to eat right before school, so I cringe at how often he gets sent off with sticky hands. He is on his own time, and he doesn't care about mine! :)
Parenting is hard. Parenting a child with autism is really hard. We deserve a break, by golly.
Jackie and Maisey,
Thanks! Your words mean a lot. Nice to feel I am not the only one with a child that is sometimes less than pristine. ; =)
Jackie and Maisey,
Thanks! Your words mean a lot. Nice to feel I am not the only one with a child that is sometimes less than pristine. ; =)
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